remembering the good things

[bertie]

My AB died by suicide a year ago in April. People seem to not understand when they say things like 'Just remember the good times.' Do any of you have advice on how to do that? Is it even possible to see it that way? It's all so intertwined: every sweet moment has a looming dark shadow, the few good moments seem to be swallowed up by the numerous bad ones. It's such a mess of love, pain, grief, and anger. Made worse by the fact that I'll forever be unsure about which moments were true or just manipulation.

[Tako]

Bertie............welcome.

The addict in my life drowned while high and partying. I spent many years being angry and ashamed. Nar-Anon helped bring compassion back into my life and now I truly understand that addiction is a disease and that the addict was in his disease when he passed. It took years of regular attendance to come to terms with my role in the relationship and his devastating behaviors and choices. I now remember him with fondness and leave the dark side of his life on the side of the road I travel.

I wish you peace and serenity and can tell you that Nar-Anon has brought it into my life.

Keep coming back, it works IF you work it!

Tako

[dtosh]

I am sorry to hear of your loss and your continued pain. My daughter died over two years ago and it is still hard to "just remember the good things". Twelve years of dealing with her full addiction were full of terror, chaos, frustration, and family dysfunction. Those years still dominate much of my thoughts of my daughter, but I see them very slowly beginning to fade into less painful thoughts and I am beginning to appreciate the earlier years more. It helps to be able to talk to others in similar situations and there are groups around where you can do this. Don't try to suffer alone. There is no need. You are not alone.

[lynnieb4]

At times I feel that death will bring peace........to my addict.....and then to me.

[kpearl]

I think for me I try to remember that all things about my loved one were good. The disease that took his life was bad and he did bad things because of it. But he WAS good and precious and loved and missed. I am devastated by his loss. I am sad, I am grieving but I remember him as good. ANd I still feel sad, Your feeling are not based on the good or bad actions of the one you loved. Your feeling are based on the love ...the love of the good and the bad choices he made. It was a package deal. He was who he was for reasons we will never understand but choose to accept. Just say Oh, I do remenber the good times. I remember everything. I loved him and I will miss him. Then come to a meeting, call one of us or get on the forum.

[Texasnative]

You know sometimes people say things that they think are well-meaning, but unless you've been there you can't begin to understand.

My 25 year old AS died 3 months ago. I am having a hard time remembering the good times because the last 7 years were so painful.

I created a slide show of my son for his memorial and that was healing for me at the time but also very hard. Photos from his birth until this past Christmas. I force myself to watch it every week. Although I cry every time, I am reminded of the wonderful, sweet, loving, happy child and teen he was before addiction changed him. He had the brightest smile and big beautiful blue eyes. That seems to help me right now when those negative thoughts about the addict (not my real son) creep in, eventhough my emotions are still so raw.

It helps me let go of some of the anger and resentment I have towards my AS for not being here, but yess it is painful too. I miss him and love him and wish he was still here. The entire family has a copy of the video on both sides as well as some of his good friends. I hope that it allows them to remember the wonderful child he was and the wonderful man he could have been. I know I have a long way to go as well. Hang in there. I feel your pain.

Love,

Gale