Don't want to watch

[Angelgirly2]

I miss my AH when he is gone, but when he is home and high it is so, so hard to witness. He isn't here. The physical body is present, but his mind is not. It is difficult to watch his body waste away. The distant look in his eyes. His mind fall short. His reasoning, faulty. All the responsibility I have to carry and I just want to throw it on him, I want to fight!!! To have some response from him. Well this program and my prayers are helping. I am learning not to engage in the "talk"... my talk, not his.
I have had the "serious" talks: the "things are starting to snowball" , the "the drug use is really escalating" , "I feel so alone", "I feel like you don't love me, that we aren't doing anything as a family" , "the money is being squanered", "I am afraid you are going to get sick and it will be financially devastating" .... my talks have done no good.
He is high all the time, and I haven't seen my clean husband in months. I am physically tired because he is up all night. I have tried to stay awake, I have tried to sleep but I am exhausted.
I know it is not about me, or love. I need to stay focused on being busy. To accept what I cannot change. To keep moving forward through this fog. To accept my dreams are dying. To try and figure out another plan. Not to be caught up in worry. In regret. In sadness. To detatch from a spouse seems almost impossible. It is like a strain of saddness winding through my life.....
I do have a lot to be thankful for: I live in the most beautiful place. My basic needs are met. I am happy a lot of the time. I must focus on the good.

[hope4today]

Hi Angelgirl...what a beautiful screen name I am so sorry you are feeling such raw and deep pain. I think It is completely natural to miss our ALO's when they are gone, afterall, we do love them even through all of the pains of addiction. I have felt all of your emotions as well. For me, I had to go through, what I considered, a mourning process. I had to let go of the one I knew and look at the one in front of me now in order to move forward with my recovery. Unforntunately, when our ALO's are in active addiction nothing we say or do matters. With the help of your HP and all the caring people and shares here and at meetings, your fog will lift. You ended your post on such a positive note...keep looking up...nothing is impossible...Love and Prayers, Kimberly

[Cheryl]

Dear Angel,

Detachment is never easy, be it a spouse or a child. But detachment does not mean that you stop loving a person, that you walk away, ot that your dreams have to die. For me, I was able to detach my son from the addict by accepting that addiction is a disease, that it does not define the person, that my son is a good person with a bad problem. Living with active addiction in the home is chaotic, life is unpredictable. But as I focused more on myself and less on my son, I found recovery. And today, JFT, my son also is in recovery and working it. Although there are no guarantees, recovery can happen and dreams can be realized. Take care of you because you are worth it.

Cheryl