I am not married to my ALO. July 9 we will have been in a relationship for 2 years. But we were/are in a serious relationship. Before his latest relapse, we had made it clear to each other that we wanted to spend our lives together. That eventually we wanted to get married. I love my ALO very much. When he relapsed (for the second time since I found out about his addiction) I was very upset. I felt like all the things he had said about wanting to be with me forever, etc were a lie. That he had chosen crack over me. That he had decided to end our relationship because he knew that it wouldnt work if he was using.
Then I joined NarAnon and over time I came not just to read but to understand and feel the truth of that little blue book statement, that it is not a matter of love but of illness and that the compulsive using of drugs by my ALO does not mean he does not love me. Mind you, the drug causes attitudes and behaviors which make it feel like I do not exist in a relationship. I realized that as long as he is using actively, I am not "really" in a real partnership anymore. That the drug drives such a wedge between us that we cannot have a life partnership while he is on it.
But I also realized that telling him he didnt care about me and that he had "chosen" crack over me, that he didnt love me or he would stay in recovery, that this wasnt true. Saying those things or doing things to punish him for his relapse just made our relationship worse, did not change anything, hurt him and hurt me. Now I set boundaries for ME about his behaviors: I wont tolerate certain behaviors towards me-if he is rude or threatening or cussing I walk away. I will not tolerate drugs in my home. I will not be around him while he is high or coming down off of crack. I will not lend him or front him money.
I treat my ALO with respect but I know I cannot trust him as I would like to, because he is in active addiction and part of the side effects of that is that he will lie and manipulate to get money, to get drugs, to get time to go use drugs, to hide his drug use even when I already know, etc.
But I have found that any action I take I need to think about what I am trying to do. Am I trying to MAKE my alo do something? If so, thats attempting to control the uncontrollable. I need to focus on controlling, changing, and caring for ME because I cant change him. The more I pressured him the worse it went. When I finally stepped away and started focusing on my recovery and not on my ALO, the better I got at doing this, the happier I was and now, suddenly, he is cutting down on his drug use and wanting to spend sober time with me which is lovely. I dont think that would have happened if I had continued to try to control him by telling him things and by taking actions meant to punish him for relapsing. And I know I wasnt able to understand, let go, and focus on ME until I started working this program. Its great that you are here-and I guarantee you, it works if you work it. Meetings, sponsor, steps. It really does work. It just takes time, and you arent required to make any decisions right now, so be gentle with yourself, take it a day at a time, read the literature, come to meetings, baby steps:). I know this hurts. I have had my ALO say some very hurtful things to me too. Hugs to you Snow!