Lonely-

[cyndyava]

Hi there Snow,
I can totally relate to what you've shared here. After our daughter was born and still an infant, her father (my most recent qualifier) treated me in a very similar way. All of his demons seemed to emerge at once after her birth: excessive drinking, pot smoking, pornography addiction...and the LIES...oh, the lies that have actually never stopped.
He treated me with complete disregard eventually. Stopped calling to check in or say he was late, lied like crazy, and began cheating on me and continuing to lie about it. He then started physically abusing me on top of all the emotional abuse.
In hindsight, I see now...how all of his actions...well, I used them to just verify all of the bad feelings I had about myself. It was as if with each new act of mistreatment, he was proving me right: I was worthless. This is how I felt at the time...

Eventually, I did end up leaving. I grew very depressed. I knew that real love...the love we had once shared, no longer existed. I mourned a lot. And after leaving, I still hung on to false hope because I didn't have a program.

In the year and change I have been in program now, focusing on my recovery...I have had many lonely moments. But I have felt supported and empowerd in a way I never, ever knew was possible. I am growing stronger each day. And yes, I have come to believe we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Our HP is at the control. We have to do our part...but when we do...our HP gives us that much more strength.

It can happen. I was right where you are...and it is still possible to slide back into old, unhealthy thought and behavior. But I am forever grateful for this program, everyone here, my sponsor...and these twelve steps that have given me a life...with all the ups, downs, and everything in between. I can say I am learning to love myself...and know that I deserve a lot better than what I was dealing with when living with the exabf. This will be something I need to work on daily, but again...I am learning I am worth it.
So are you.

You are not alone. "Never alone, never again." Post as much as you need to. We are here for you. Love, Cyndy

[Melissa]

Dr Phil has something to say about this topic...I'm passing on his words of wisdom!

It is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else

and

You're only lonely if you're not there for you.

Points to ponder.....


(((hugs)))

[wheretoturn]

((((( hugs )))))) to you. We do feel your pain.

Vicki

[TooShyToScream]

I hear you...even the part about trashing you to others to take the attention off his own failures. It hurts...but like people said, we have choices. Continue waiting for him to recover and focus on ourselves in the meantime to make us happy rather than the addict, or move on with our lives. The latter only really happens when WE reach our bottom though. When we're sick and tired of being sick and tired and ready to make a decision and follow through.

[snow23]

I hear you...even the part about trashing you to others to take the attention off his own failures. It hurts...but like people said, we have choices. Continue waiting for him to recover and focus on ourselves in the meantime to make us happy rather than the addict, or move on with our lives. The latter only really happens when WE reach our bottom though. When we're sick and tired of being sick and tired and ready to make a decision and follow through.

Because of our (his) financial mess, it will take months before I can leave. He has threatened me a few times that he will try & get custody, so I must be able to hire a lawyer first. His siblings have money and will back him a hundred percent. I am trapped.

[TooShyToScream]

You are never trapped. I don't know whether you work or not, but if not, perhaps it's worth considering as a means to gain financial security. However, if you already do work but just don't make enough, I would try to find a better job and in the meantime stay with a family member or friend, or take out a loan from someone or somewhere. You have choices, but I don't know your personal situation, so that's something you have to figure out on your own. When you mentioned him saying "what would I be losing", 2 things came to mind. Either he's trying to scare you into thinking he doesn't need you as a means of trying to get you to hang on tighter, or he's really not ready at all to try to recover and sees you as standing in the way of his using. Either way, it sounds really disrespectful and unhealthy to me the way he treats you, and I totally get why you're upset. But again, in order to get something better out of life you have to first, make a conscious decision that you will follow through with no matter what, and second, make sure you have a plan of some sort to gain financial security so that you can be independent from him.

[snow23]

I agree with you on all points. I take care (solely) of my terminally ill father and I have a small child (less than 2 years old), so I can't work outside of the home; really because of my Dad. But... I am applying to graduate school that will start in August. If I get in and can get financial aid, I will get living money. This will mean the WORLD to me! This will enable me to save and get out if things don't get better. This relapse (he nows says he's clean again) is way worse. He somewhere along the line acts like he has NO respect for me. He used to. It's like his drug/his old lifestyle is his lover and I am a thorn in his side, UNLESS I am being nice to him. He likes me a lot when I'm nice, but if I question any behavior, or any action he is pissed. He's tired of me and it shows. My Mom (passed away 10 years ago) would be soooo upset at how he treats me. My Dad, never, ever would have treated her like that. He loved her. I do not feel loved, except for when I don't rock the boat, if that makes sense.

Thank you sooo much, this helps me!

You are never trapped. I don't know whether you work or not, but if not, perhaps it's worth considering as a means to gain financial security. However, if you already do work but just don't make enough, I would try to find a better job and in the meantime stay with a family member or friend, or take out a loan from someone or somewhere. You have choices, but I don't know your personal situation, so that's something you have to figure out on your own. When you mentioned him saying "what would I be losing", 2 things came to mind. Either he's trying to scare you into thinking he doesn't need you as a means of trying to get you to hang on tighter, or he's really not ready at all to try to recover and sees you as standing in the way of his using. Either way, it sounds really disrespectful and unhealthy to me the way he treats you, and I totally get why you're upset. But again, in order to get something better out of life you have to first, make a conscious decision that you will follow through with no matter what, and second, make sure you have a plan of some sort to gain financial security so that you can be independent from him.

[Freedom]

My heart so goes out 2u.
I cried when I read your post for I so know how u r feeling & feel the same in regards to my AB & our relationship.

I think u could be grieving the loss of your marriage. My counsellor explained to me that I was so sad & upset because I was grieving the loss of our relationship &the way it had been. But it is the way it is & I must focus on keeping me happy &healthy.

Thank u also for replying to my post. it was helpful for I need to start focusing on me &attending NA meetings & maybe I could get him to come with me for support like we did when we both got clean. & it might help him also with giving up when baby is born like he said he will. Will believe that when I see it!
Hope that u feel better and that u r able to let go of your worries and let God & that u can trust that u r capable of getting through this & r able to come out stronger in the end.
*Hugz*

[TooShyToScream]

I agree with you on all points. I take care (solely) of my terminally ill father and I have a small child (less than 2 years old), so I can't work outside of the home; really because of my Dad. But... I am applying to graduate school that will start in August. If I get in and can get financial aid, I will get living money. This will mean the WORLD to me! This will enable me to save and get out if things don't get better. This relapse (he nows says he's clean again) is way worse. He somewhere along the line acts like he has NO respect for me. He used to. It's like his drug/his old lifestyle is his lover and I am a thorn in his side, UNLESS I am being nice to him. He likes me a lot when I'm nice, but if I question any behavior, or any action he is pissed. He's tired of me and it shows. My Mom (passed away 10 years ago) would be soooo upset at how he treats me. My Dad, never, ever would have treated her like that. He loved her. I do not feel loved, except for when I don't rock the boat, if that makes sense.

Thank you sooo much, this helps me!

You are never trapped. I don't know whether you work or not, but if not, perhaps it's worth considering as a means to gain financial security. However, if you already do work but just don't make enough, I would try to find a better job and in the meantime stay with a family member or friend, or take out a loan from someone or somewhere. You have choices, but I don't know your personal situation, so that's something you have to figure out on your own. When you mentioned him saying "what would I be losing", 2 things came to mind. Either he's trying to scare you into thinking he doesn't need you as a means of trying to get you to hang on tighter, or he's really not ready at all to try to recover and sees you as standing in the way of his using. Either way, it sounds really disrespectful and unhealthy to me the way he treats you, and I totally get why you're upset. But again, in order to get something better out of life you have to first, make a conscious decision that you will follow through with no matter what, and second, make sure you have a plan of some sort to gain financial security so that you can be independent from him.

About the finanial aid bit, I hope you mean that you're actually planning on attending the university and getting the aid for housing on campus. When people try to get financial aid as free money and don't actually attend school, their aid is discontinued and they end up owing that money back to the government.

[Rocksy0118]

If there is a lonely , or isolated feeling that no one understands than that is what groups are for ,
and sharing feelings of this , which is common

I feel lonely that I expereince this , yet , I know that if I share my feelings , than there will be someone who can relate
but in the long run , a need of being lonely wihtout someone , who let you down , is someting different

Addiction is a disease and the people we love have a disease ,what if our loved ones had cancer or another disease

I feel that it is important to share what and who we are , yet to realize , we can all have choices of being healthy, and well , also;
that is what nar-anon is about

Addiction is a family disease so it affects alot of people, places and things in our lives and theirs that is why it is very important to get support , counseling and seek alot of health and wellness for ourselves

As far as thinking that we can change anyone or anything , please let go of that limiting belief , if someone is well or unwell , there can never be change unless the person chooses change , and living a life dependent upon someone changing is , a life without any action or hope or faith or love for oneself.