Co-Dependence

[Wifey]

OMG! You have me wondering if there's a handbook for abusers and active addicts "When You Get Back In That Door". I saw that my AH was out to change me probaby either to punish me or make me a person that wouldn't put him out again. I learned that anger management is just a class that's pass/fail depending on the act one puts on for the instructor. It sure did my AH no good at all.
I did change. I wasn't putting up with the bs any more and he didn't change at all....Still a liar and ony pretending to work on himself. I guess I should feel sorry for him being homeless but it's better than me being crazy or pushed around ever again. After dealing with him, I believe only in actions and words have little meaning without them.
My AH helped a lot of people too. He tried to buy friends and to be seen as a great guy. Always showing people the right way to do things? Sounds like my AH and his over blown ego. Mr Control may be your husband's twin?
Being his first marriage and after being on my own for a long time, I felt I had to work at making it work out. Surprise! I couldn't do it alone and the cost to me was wayyyyy to much.
He actually told you that nobody would hire you due to your age? I'm old enough to be your mother but found a job in a field I never worked in before and on the bus line. I'm manageing to slowly pay down the huge debt he ran up. Yep I'm an old grannie but I have the power to do what needs done. Don't let anyone put you down. After the long years and what you've been through, you are a strong woman and a survivor.
Don't let any man, woman or beast (or any combination) drive you to pills, unhappyness or low self esteem. God bless ya Momma.

[mom2seven]

Yes, like there is some secret class they go to and learn all the nasty things to say, how to beat one down until they feel like a pile of garbage, how to make them wonder if they are the crazy one.

Oh my, I will tell you one thing that gets me. My daughter, now 15, used to mimic the negative characters on shows. It still bothers me. She can be so mean, and I do worry about her, yet at the same time she is my most driven, acheiving, smart, and drop dead georgeous of all my kids, but she still is the oldest girl. Anyway, as I said, I worry, I am concerned for her, she has this little chip on her shoulder, coniving mind, etc. She has gotten into the liqiur cabinet a few times, and we use it so seldom that it is hard to notice.

Now, as I mentioned the shows, and her mimicing the negative characters, (it began with that damn angelica from rugrats ) and then you consider the rehab my husband was sent to by his mom when he was a teenager. He has taken all the negative things, the way the programs teaches you NOT to act, and has used that to control people. We would fight for years, and I never gave a care about what he said, I went on with life as usual.

Now I feel cripled by Rheumatoid Arthritis, my seven kids will make it almost impossible to hold down a job, and I feel desperate for him to quit this stuff so we can have our thriving business back. WAKE UP GIRLFRIEND!!! Time to find a way, time to find the will, watch out world, here I come. I don't feel like that, but I am going to have to force myself to fake it til I make it.

[kathyf]

My mind can take me all kinds of crazy places when I'm depressed, frustrated, scared, worried and hurt. I understand the pain of an unfaithful husband - I suspect many of us do. When my exhusband left following his affair with the wife of our dear friends, I spent days and days, weeks, months, years filled with depression and anger. I tried anti-depressants but they were not effective for me. They left me feeling drugged and in la-la land.

There is no secret to addiction. I know how hard it is to understand the part of addiction that changes the personality and behavior of someone we once grew to love.

If you haven't already, I highy recommend purchasing as much Nar-Anon literature as possible. I have found it to be extremely beneficia. The little blue book says this about addiction:

We have learned that addiction is an illness. It is a physical, mental and spiritual disease that affects every area of life. It can be arrested but never cured. We have found that compulsive use of drugs does not indicate a lack of affection for the family. It is not a matter of love, but of illness. The addicts' inability to control their use of drugs is a symptom of the disease of addiction. Even when they know what will happen when they take the first drink, pill or fix, they will do so. This is the "insanity" we speak of in regard to this disease. Only complete abstinence from the use of drugs, including alcohol, can arrest this disease. No one can prevent the addicts' use of drugs. When we accept that addiction is a disease, and that we are powerless over it, we become ready to learn a better way to live.

My son and my exhusband were addicts just waiting to happen. Their inability to deal with life on life's terms, to deal with their feelings and emotions, and to manage their anger, all led to medicating themselves to cope. The same could be said of me, sans the drugs. To cope I kept trying to fix, and soon I found myself as sick as them.

That's why I need this program so badly. To heal from the insanity of addiction.

Meetings, sponsor, steps, literature and communication with others walking the same path is the only thing that has saved me from going over the edge.

Love,
Kathy

[Debness]

Fake it till you make it is practically my mantra. I just sucked up the whole Nar-Anon program and acted like I believed it all, whether I did or not.

I had also heard, "Look where your own best thinking got you," and decided maybe I should try something else. That's where the fake it till you make it part came in.

Somehow, two years later, I am faking a lot less and doing a lot better.

Debbie