Lonely-

[snow23]

I'm sorry, you guys are probably getting sick of my posts, it's just that I have no one to talk to about the pain I am in dealing with AH.

I am so lonely. I wanted so much more from marriage than this insanity. I wanted someone who was thrilled about me, rather than being constantly annoyed with me. I wanted someone to be responsible and a good provider. I wanted someone who told the TRUTH at all times, not just sometimes. I wanted someone who cherished me and would do anything (including working their program) so they wouldn't lose me. I wanted someone who would fight their demons, so there wasn't so much negativity in their life. I wanted someone that wouldn't trash me to others to get the attention off their failures. I wanted someone better than what I chose- this sucks.

I'm sorry to bother you all with this, I'm just so lonely tonight and wishing for so much more, than I probably will never get.

[marthamay]

Snow23, my heart goes out to you. I understand the loneliness, at times it is agonizing. I too wanted and expected a real marriage, not the insanity of living with an addict and the endless lies. But I know my HP loves me and I am never truly alone. I keep working on improving myself, and will be out of this situation by the end of the year if all goes according to plan. I have 2 classes till I get my degree and start looking for a job, then I can end this sham of a marriage and will be able to take care of myself and my kids financially.

Please don't beat yourself up for the choices you made in the past. I did that, beating myself up for making such a poor choice of husband. It doesn't help anything or change anything. So in working step 8 I have to make amends to myself and forgive myself for choosing poorly. Please be gentle with yourself. You are loved.

[mike]

Good morning Snow,

I can relate to this, my AW,has really changed my view on my marriage, Because my belief is that i married for life ( made a vow in front of God), i am trying all i can do to stay in my marriage. My AW is doing much better, clean 90 days, going to meetings, etc... But she has changed alot, some changes i dont like. Its odd to say but we got along better when she was high. But I am willing to work thru this, keep trying and going to meetings. We can get thru this together !!!


peace
Mike

[judyg]

I understand the pain. I understand the wants. I understand the disappointments. Somewhere along the line I had to accept reality and either align my needs and wants with that reality or make changes that would change my reality to better align with my needs and wants. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That's it in a nutshell.

Meetings, sponsor, steps, literature.

Judy

[DianeB]

It is what it is.

WOW, those words sound so cold don't they? No warm fuzzies there.

But it became one of my favorite slogans when I am faced with
looking at a situation I just don't like being in.

It is what it is means simply that this is the truth of the situation
I am in. It is exactly what it is. I can't magically wish it away or
live in fantasies of how it "will be" different. It is the reality of
the situation. Once I accept that this is the reality....then I have
choices.

I can stay in the situation and remain miserable, unhappy and lonely

I can stay in the situation because there may be no alternative, thus
I have to accept that it is what it is and change the things I can - ME
until I am able to find the solution that works for me

I can get out of the situation

Lonely is a byproduct of this family disease of addiction. It caused me to
be withdrawn, obsessed in things I could not change, isolated by mistaken
sense of guilt and shame, misunderstood, judged, etc., etc.,

I can change my loneliness. I change it by reaching out to my fellowship,
as you have done. I can change it my going to meetings...as many as I
can get to...both f2f and online. I can change it by focusing on myself
and changing my own unhealthy behaviors. You see, while it is what it is,
I can change me. I am not helpless. I am simply powerless over others.

Hugs....

[rxgirl]

Hi love.. i have such a warm hug for you. I spent many years trying to achieve the perfect relationship, molding my alo into what i thought a partner should be. I so wanted the house the children the partner that would love and do anything for me. What i got was an alo who spent many years battling his demons,. As my dreams died i got very depressed. I came to naranon and it took me a long time but i realized i must accept things as they are so i can make decisions about MY life and what is right for me. Remember with naranon you are never alone!!! Love vickie

[kathyf]

Loneliness. I am lonely, too. Feeling alone with nobody who understands is an ugly place to be. I know. One of the first things I heard on here time and time again is "You are not alone. Ever again. We are here for you." I soaked up those words like a sponge. When someone said "love you" it was nearly more than I could bear. I felt so alone and unloved.

This disease banks on isolation, loneliness, guilt, obsession, mass confusion and victims. I think it's safe to say that all of us here have experienced all of them.

Living life on life's terms is another slogan heard in these rooms. I didn't like to hear that, nope, not one bit. I had a plan for my life and it certainly did not include the monster of addiction. I've been coming here for 5 months and only until recently did I understand the exact meaning of that statement. It's a choice. I can be a victim or I can be a survivor. I choose survival. Learning how to create my life despite addiction and all it's wreckage has been challenging but I can say without a shadow of a doubt, it's better than the alternative.

Meetings, sponsor, literature, steps ... these are what is helping me live my life.

Love,
Kathy

[snow23]

I think one of the things that really furthers my loneliness is the absolute denial from AH family about what a wreck he is. They,in fact, think I am such a bitch for harping on him and not trusting him. He has a huge family, whom I have to deal with regularly because of our child, and they support him and believe his lies. His parents are the first thing he runs to the minute he is "frustrated" with life, on life's terms. He lies to them, manipulates them, and trashes me if it serves his agenda. Can you believe that? His own wife.

But guess what? I don't trust him. He will have to earn that. When we first started dating he told me that he had been off meth for a year and it wasn't an issue-- he'd been off of it for two to three weeks. He made himself out to be so much more together than he was. He was not together. He also told me that he would never cheat on anyone, nor had he, not one person. A year into the marriage I find out that he cheated on every single girlfriend he ever had an as adult. He tells me that he's not going to buy porno magazines on the road (he travels for work), but he almost did. I found his stash of magazines last night in his brief case. He lies to me about stupid things. About why he didn't go to the store, why he did something, or not. He lied to me about about writing a thank you note to someone, told me what he said in it, and I find the card which is blank inside, no writing. He recently relapsed on pot (which makes him act like a monster) and lied, lied, lied about it, until I found proof,and then he lied some more. He was contrite and sweet for one day and then back to normal. While he goes to meetings, they don't seem to effect him in a positive way like they used to. He still comes home hating me.

But, yet, I am the problem. He made that very clear to me last night. He looks at me, sometimes, like the devil and smiles, like you would at something SO stupid, that it's almost funny. Sometimes he even laughs.

I was a COOL chick, cute, funny, tons of friends. I am now a shell of who I was. I am on here finding the NEW ME, but it will take time. He has put us in a huge financial mess, but according to his family, that's mostly my fault. Can you believe that? As if I was the one who relapsed and can't go back to work. (On a side note- you would never believe this about us, if you saw us. He is very handsome and outgoing, but the problems on the inside are not so fabulous to look at)

Still lonely, but I am feeling stronger reading your support. Thank you! (As soon as he goes back to work and there is money I will buy the literature- I want that very much so I can move on and cope with this terrible thing I find myself in)

[snow23]

Today I asked him if he would be sad or relieved if we were to divorce. He, in short, told me that "what would he be losing?" I asked him to clarify and he said, "You figure it out." Unreal, when I am the one suffering through his garbage, constantly. He has somehow turned this around as if I am the problem and he is constantly dealing with me.

Such a loss of a dream. We had such a love story and he is pissing it away. Heartbreaking to me.I wonder if he will care, or just quickly move on to the type of girl he was with before me. I guess I know my answer.

[Aggie]

Snow
I am so sorry you are hurting. I truly understand. It has been a 2 1/2 year process for me but gradually it has gotten better. There are still hard days but saying the Serenity Prayer helps me. This is not what I planned for my life but until I accepted the reality I was unable to move forward. My home must be sold per divorce decree. Then I must make decision where to live. I must admit I am afraid of making such an important decision. I'm tired of having to make decisions from choices I don't like. Giving the circumstances my previous choices have landed me in makes me somewhat insecure to make more decisions. But I must. "it is what it is.".
Aggie

[Lyra]

Snow that sucks big time. I hate feeling trapped and hurt and angry and lonely. Unfortunately I think all of us have been there at one point or another when dealing with addiction. But as some others said, we do have choices and I am glad you are choosing to come join us here. I dont know if you have any source of funds outside of your husband hopefully going back to work, but the NarAnon little blue book is only 2 or 3 dollars, the SESH reader is 14 I think. I personally would not want to have to wait on my ALO to start working that part of my recovery. Keep coming back-hope to see you at meetings:) Hugs.

[carpediem]

Hey Snow,
First of all, this is exactly where you need to be right now, believe it or not. Posting away? Go for it. Feeling lonely? Hit that hard, too.
When I came here, I was posting my little fingers off, every day, sometimes two or three posts a day. It was such a relief, finding people who got it and understood so much of what I had been living through. My own private slice of hell didn't feel so lonely anymore. Of course, having to face the fact that I'd been lied to since day 1 by my addict, and I mean from our first date on, was very hard for me to accept.

How did I not see? How could I be so stupid? How could I be taken in by such an obvious liar? How could my life go on knowing that I had screwed up so badly? I had a really hard time with all of that - and I still do, sometimes. I beat myself up constantly. Sometimes I still do.

Here's what helped:
Step 1 -- I am powerless over addiction. I am powerless over my addicted loved ones -- I had to admit my life had become unmanageable. Addicts are pretty good liars. They get over on lots of people -- friends, family, lovers, employers, police officers, etc. I am a good, trusting person. I want to believe there's good in everyone. But was I too trusting? Yes. Does that make me a bad person? No. But did I have to face reality about my ex? Was he a liar? Yup. That wasn't about me. That was about HIM.

Being powerless over his part of the equation, and recognizing that only a Higher Power (for me, my face-to-face group and Nar-anon friends) could restore me to sanity, came as a relief. That's step 2. I liked the idea of getting my sanity back.

Step 3: Turning my will and my life over to the care of that same Higher Power was very freeing for me, too. I had to let go of the rope and not try to control my ex-AH anymore. I had to take care of me and trust that my HP was going to guide me out of this mess. I certainly had proof that my HP was speaking to me through the voices of my fellowship here. I was getting some solid guidance and understanding that I had really lacked. I had plenty of proof that my own attempts to control things hadn't worked. I totally sucked at it. Letting go WORKED. It actually changed things for the better for me.

Of course, I hated all of it. I was suffering my little hiney off -- as I struggled to really let go of my ex-AH. Someone here said, "Pain is required but suffering is optional." I realized that I signed up and "volunteered" for a lot of the suffering. And, as I did that over and over, I was right where I needed to be in order to move forward in my life. Sometimes, I needed a lot of pain to motivate me to let go and move forward.

Sometimes, I needed to reach out and ask for help. Sometimes I had to listen and wait for answers. And sometimes, to learn how to get quiet and patient and listen, I needed to be lonely. I needed to be able to sit there with that loneliness, which was something I had never done before. Getting lonely was VERY scary to me. In the past, my fear of being alone had always scared me into doing things I shouldn't do, things that compromised me as a person, just to avoid loneliness.

My sponsor challenged me to be lonely - and true to form, it scared the daylights out of me. But -- surprise!-- it didn't kill me. It came, and then it went. Each time I let it come and sat with it, it came and went. And each time, it hurt a little less. Facing my fear has never killed me. It has taught me things, it made me stronger and it ultimately is something I have learned to enjoy.

Get the Blue Book and do a little reading. The whole program is right there, and a very smart man told me to read it every day when I first came here. He was so right. Here's my favorite part:

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I
will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world, so
the world will give to me.

[snow23]

I will reply soon to everyone, but I wanted to say that I'm waiting for AH to get home from a meeting. He is late. Usually he would call because he cared, to say he would be late. He no longer cares. I don't know if this is his addiction in action, or if it's the new him. I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess he is giving me his message of how he feels about me.

My Dad, who is terminally ill, told me that my AH should leave. He makes me cry so much that I know my Dad is so sad to see this and be powerless over his little girl's life. So sad, on so many levels.

[river rock]

Im sorry you are lonely. Ive been there many times, for many
reasons, and its not fun. These things he does and says are
addict behavior. He is under the influence of drugs. so with
'that we have a slogan Q-TIP , quit taking it personally, its
nothing you have done. What follows will be your decision. We can
be bitter or we can be better. My new favorite slogan is, we have
choices too, and we do. Just because things didnt go the way we
thought they would, doesnt mean we have to live in misery forever.
Im sure there is happiness out there for you. Only you can make'that choice.
River rock

[snow23]

Im sure there is happiness out there for you. Only you can make'that choice.
River rock

That made me cry. Thanks for your reply. I can't even imagine being able to relax and knowing, 100%, that I would be treated well.