Thanks for all the comments guys I am working on this with my sponsor and thinking about things. I wrote a "dear john" type letter which was really to get my thoughts clear but I didnt email it to him. Explaining myself in an email isn't necessary. We already had a short conversation about this on the phone last night. He knows things cant go on like this and I told him I might not be in touch this weekend since our interactions lately have been painful to both of us-he says that he feels bad about the situation himself and that hearing how bad I feel makes him feel worse (and I know for a fact that does NOT make him want to stop using, instead that leads him to use more to drown out the feelings). And as you all know, I have had some bad days lately feeling alot of pain. I have also told him that I cant go on trips with him right now because it hurts too much when we get back home and he runs off to use.
I realized thanks to my sponsor that whats really tripping me up is that I was trying to cling onto this relationship and with that, expectations that he would act like he was actually in a relationship with me and fulfill the responsibilities and roles that I see that involving. So, since Im not about to compromise to a great extent on what things I expect from a partner, he clearly isn't my partner anymore except in name. And for me from now on I am not going to consider him that because its thinking of him that way which is messing me up-once I think of him as a boyfriend or partner then along with that come expectations that he will do certain things, be there for me, etc etc. These are completely normal expectations. But not for an active crack addict. So. Time to revise his relationship label. He is still my ALO. I do love him. But for now, as long as he is in active addiction, I cannot consider him my partner. I cannot think of him as my boyfriend, even. Because to do so will bring up that list of expectations, which of course will not be fulfilled, which will then lead to resentment and pain.
I am not going to make a big announcement about how we are done right now. I mean, that has pretty much already happened on its own as a natural result of his drug addiction progressing as he continues to use. Talk is cheap actions where its at. Now that I recognize the problem hopefully I will be able to let go of these expectations and that combined with spending less time with him may help me feel more stable and return the focus more firmly to me. I am not ready to cut off all contact, which would be very difficult to do in our small community anyways, but this time around Im going to do things a bit at a time. Since last time when I tried to enforce my boundary of "no relationship if in active addiction", I failed to hold to it. Im not going that far this time, but in MY head I can no longer think of him as my partner. I have to learn to let go of the expectations. And take this time to work on me as I said I would. I need a fulfilling life without him to be my default, not the plan B, JFT.
I have been ok today. I have not yet contacted my ALO. I might send him a goodnight text tonight, I might not, Ill figure that out later. For now I am in another town, visiting people, doing research, buying a ticket for the wine and chocolate tasting tonight, checking out a lecture on the Maya. Its been a pretty decent day despite the sad reality of my relationship being substantially over for now. My heart is sad but I'm keeping moving and I've had plenty of positive moments today.
Thanks for your support guys. I dont know if this is more painful than the decision to leave my ExRAH or about the same but man the last 12 months have just been packed with difficult situations. I know I am going to come out of all of this stronger and better and happier in myself thanks to NarAnon-which I probably never would have found if it werent for my ALO's addiction AND his seeking recovery-since it was his sponsor that turned me onto the program. All clouds have a silver lining. Thanks for being my silver lining!