Relapse,Lies & Blame

[Hope4sanity]

One thing that is so frustrating is how my AH lies about everything...and when I confront him he lies some more or changes the subject. I know it's the drugs control on him. Many people have noticed that he was not himself before he left to stay with his mom. He is trying to get help by going to counseling and NA meetings. He has been to rehab before and knows what he needs to do. He was sober for a year or so after the last relapse..then he was in an accident, totalling his truck and it all went down hill from there. His dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. Sometimes I wonder what he has done while he is out getting high. Has he slept around? Who did he borrow money from? Is a dealer going to come knocking at my door because he owes them something. What has he sold that I don't know about. Right before he left I was trying to tell him how I felt about things and he said he didnt understand half of what I said and that I was just venting...he had used a couple of days before. And of course he said I have anger issues, which is where the blame comes in...Of course I am angry. I tried changing myself, walking on those eggshells not to trigger him. But I know now that wasn't what I needed to do. I even looked at his phone records And noticed he was looking for crack one day( recognizing #'s from the last relapse). So I called him. He actually answered the phone. I thought I had caught him in time and went right home. He waited we talked and then he said he was going to do some work but of course that is not where he went. I know he loves me and I love him. He cried the day he left here saying he was sorry and that he needed to leave because he didn't want to do this to me and my son anymore. He went and used before he went to his moms. She is an enabler, along with his grandparents. He actually called them and said I kicked him out and he needed money, also before he left. They sent it to him as usual, he bought crack. I feel like giving up on him. I do not enable and he knows I won't, so of course that makes me the bad guy while he's using. But when he has time to sober up he tells me it's not my fault. I thank god he doesn't know anyone where he is. It's not the type of town that you can just get it on a street corner like you can here in the town where I live. He talked about coming back to finish some work he had to do.I said no. It's too soon for him to come back. He will have to stay sober for a considerable amount of time before he does. He was put on an anti depressant. He started it yesterday. I hope it helps him. He has gotten to the point that he uses a large amount that makes him feel sick afterwards. I'm afraid I'm going to get that horrifying call one day. I'm afraid heis going to die if he doesn't get sober. Before he left I would vomit every morning because of the stress..chest pain was an everyday occurance. It is going to kill me one day too...

[evergrowing]

I was physically ill too from being so enmeshed in my husband's addiction. I didn't sleep, I ate so poorly. I started having chest pains. I had to learn how to take better care of myself. At first I didn't understand how self care had anything to do with fixing my husband. That's all I wanted to do. I thought that if I could get him to stop, then all of our problems would go away.

What I didn't realize was that I had become sick too. I needed my own recovery program and that is why I was so grateful to find Nar Anon. By the time I came here, I had tried everything -- screaming, pleading, crying, begging, manipulating -- nothing worked. I couldn't get my husband to stop using. I was making myself sick trying.

It took time for some of the concepts of this program to sink in but eventually they did. The Serenity Prayer is something I started to say each day. Sometimes over and over again.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

My prayers were answered. I began to see what I couldn't change: my husband and what I could change: myself.

I started with a self care list. I wrote down activities that relieved my stress, brought me joy, were acts of love towards myself. Some were taking a bath, going for a walk in the woods with my dog, reading in a hammock, getting a mani & pedi or even a massage, yoga, meditation, playing guitar etc. They were things that soothe my soul. Each day I chose one thing on that list and did it. I slowly nursed myself back to physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health.

We have lots of slogans around here. One day at a time is a good one. It's all we can do. Baby steps in direction of sanity.

(((Hugs))))

[DianeB]

I know he loves me and I love him.

It isn't about love. It is a disease.

It is going to kill me one day too...

Yes it is. Stress kills.

Now...what are you doing about yourself? Meetings,
Sponsor, Steps?

Taking the focus off of the addict and putting it on me
was a giant leap for me into recovery. Refocusing.

Hugs...

[Hope4sanity]

I had a hard time realizing that it is a disease..for so long I looked at it as a choice...I found a meeting in my area. I will be attending meetings and am so happy I found it. I had looked before but this meeting is new. So glad there is one locally now.

[Christina]

I was where Melinda was at before I came here. I made myself emotionally, mentally and yes...even physcially ill because of my husband's addiction. I loved him...and I knew he loved me. There was never any blame on his part...when he cleaned up he was always so apologetic and open regarding his feelings for me and his family. I would get so frustrated thinking "Then why don't you just stop???"

Once I realized that it was an addiction, a disease...he couldn't "just stop" because I asked him to...that made me look at things differently. And then once I found Nar-Anon and "met" so many strong people and learned that I had my own recovery to deal with...things changed.

I won't say the "old" me is back...but the "me" that I am now becoming is better than ever...stronger than ever. Boundaries have been laid out. I work on getting ME better...not him.

Funny though...once I started gaining my own strength and stopped worrying about how I was going to "fix" him...he started changing. He started going to NA on a regular basis. He has been clean for 13 days now and has used one night out of the last 33. Yes, that one night sucked...but that is actually a REALLY big accomplishment for him. I honestly think that once he realized I was not going to enable him anymore...that I was going to go ahead with my own life, regardless of whether he was clean or not...it made something "click" with him.

[Angelgirly2]

Addicts lie. They blame. It is craziness at it's finest. Some of the things your AH said, I have heard the exact from mine. I was encouraged to go to Al-anon 6 months ago, from someone who worked closely with recovering drug addicts. I went, mainly to support my husband, in trying to stay clean. And I am thankful, because I really needed it! We all blame, when we feel like we have fallen short, it is just an instinct. And sometimes I have to catch myself and clarify what I am really trying to say.
I do not always communicate correctly. And I am not using drugs! With drug addiction it is amplified. Remember, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we cannot cure it. When I feel very stressed, I believe my AH loves me, it is hard to tell sometimes, but deep down I do feel that, I want to help. And I am just learning about not enabling. I close my mind and go to my HP. I think love is appropriate, but a man needs to reap as much of the consequences as possible. ... my AH has also been feeling really sick when he stops using. I try not to baby him too much. Let him have his space. "Well" I say, "you know why you are sick" and I carry on, praying hard inside for wisdom. He has to want to stop. I was told 6 months ago, he won't stop for me. Even though he loves me. Recently I have been trying to do activities that will help me. Focus on me. I still try to do my homemaking, because I feel I should do it anyway. Nar-anon and Al-anon has been so important to me. I am thankful someone reccomended it to me.

[drinkingwater]

Hang on a second here... you said:

I do not enable and he knows I won't, so of course that makes me the bad guy while he's using.

Walking on those eggshells and saving him from the consequences of his actions isn't enabling? Changing your behavior doesn't mean you squash all those feelings down and ignore them. It means you find different ways to communicate or deal with them.

Codependency is something I continue to struggle with... I hear so much of myself from a year ago in this share. Things like checking his phone records, trying to 'vent' to an actively using addict, thinking I could stop him from using with a phone call "just in time," saying all the right things to inspire him to reach the wonderful potential I knew he had... but guess what?

Step One: I am POWERLESS over my addict.

None of that stuff is going to make an addict stop using. None of it. He had to want to enter recovery for himself, which he didn't. Worrying and being stressed out all the time didn't do anything to HIM. It just made me miserable. I had to learn how to take care of myself first. My addict's use was not mine to control. My own behavior and actions, however, ARE.

Honey if an addict has been to rehab before then you're right... he knows how to get help when and if he wants it! There's not a darn thing you can do other than take care of your self.

::hugs::
Lindsey

[Hope4sanity]

Walking on eggshells is something I had done before, years ago..but no I do not enable.. I know better,at first I did somewhat...I have been going through this with him for over 10years. I had tried different approaches before I finally realized it won't do any good. I have never tried to save him from the consequences. He has been to prison twice for possession..I never tried to bail him out of jail and begged his family to let him sit there..I have asked them not to give him money..I left him and we have separated before because of his addiction....he has consequences. I do not give him money, I do not baby him when he feels ill..I do not sugar coat anything.. I do let him know that I love him but that I won't help him kill himself. There are many things I need to learn..but I know I can't fix him or save him. He has to do that...I have to now learn how to fix me...and learn to enjoy my life and not let his addiction consume me.

[TooShyToScream]

Going to meetings has literally changed my life. The first meeting I went to, I not only had no positive expectations, I had negative expectations. Nevertheless, despite how desperate, miserable, and negative about it I was, I somehow was able to apply those steps and change my life. I went from being at rock bottom to being stable in the matter of a few weeks. It's been a blessing, and now, whether my addict is in active addiction or not, I'm able to keep my sanity. He did and sometimes still does all of the things you described...the lying, blaming, fighting, and not listening to what I have to say. So how am I in a decent state of mind? By simply accepting the first step. That addiction is a disease over which I am powerless, and if my fiancé chooses to use and lie about it, that's his problem, not mine. Undoubtedly, when he uses, he hurts himself and feels guilty about it. But it doesn't have to hurt me. I don't have to put his problems upon myself. So just applying that step helps me to be able to live with active addiction. I still support his recovery by all means, but when he doesn't want it, I choose to detach myself from his problems. It really works miracles when you apply that concept. Whether you are able to live with active addiction or not however is most certainly your choice, but going to meetings will help regardless of whether your decision is to stay or leave him. Lying used to be the thing I hated most about the disease. I felt disrespected because I knew he was using and when he didn't admit it, I felt like he thought I was stupid and deliberately trying to trick me, like the idiot he thought I was. I realized however that it's not about that at all...the lying isn't intentional, it's a symptom of his disease and has no reflection on how he feels about me or thinks of me. When I was able to accept that, I found the peace that I so desperately wanted and I didn't change him one bit in the process of my feeling better, I only changed myself. Plus, me going to meetings inspires him to do the same a lot more often now.

[Hope4sanity]

@tooshyto scream..yes the lying is the most hurtful and frustrating for me along with the not coming home til late if at all...it does feel like they are just disrespecting you and don't care about you at all..I am attending the online meeting tonight here and then there are f2f on Tuesdays...I am so ready to go..I talked to him on the phone today..told him I found me a meeting..he asked me about what kindof meeting and was happy to hear I was going..thank you all for your support and keeping it real...some things can be hard to hear...but it's the truth...HUGS!!!!

[TooShyToScream]

Great! I'm glad you found an f2f meeting to go to. Try to keep a steady routine in going to at least one meeting every week, but if you find two or three that's even better. And there are always online meetings here every day, if you can't get to one for whatever reason. And remember that at least 6 f2f meetings are usually recommended before you decide to keep coming back or not. Although, I made the decision to keep coming since my first meeting

[Cheryl]

Dear Hope,

When my son was in active addiction, he lied about everything, even when there was no reason to lie. And he blamed others for everything, he was the master of shifting attribution. With addiction, his thinking became distorted making it very difficult for him to be honest with others and to take an honest look at himself.

You wrote,

it does feel like they are just disrespecting you

An addict may not respect oneself, and an addict may not be able to feel what another person is feeling in order to show respect. My son was in recovery almost a year before his capacity to show concern for others became apparent. Sometimes, I think that we expect our addicts to do things that their disease keeps from doing .... like trying ask someone with two broken legs to jump through hoops. I feel that we ask our loved ones to choose recovery for us, and yet the reality, an addict has to choose recovery for oneself and that does not happen until one is ready to do the work.

And that is why we have our program. Most of us come here because we want to fix the addict in our lives. But we stay because we too need work on our own recovery. We have learn how to focus on ourselves. Change begins with us. And we're here for each other as we go through this journey together.

Just my two cents for the day!
Cheryl

[Melissa]

dear Hope---

Before he left I would vomit every morning because of the stress..chest pain was an everyday occurance. It is going to kill me one day too...

You could be talking about me too. My health suffered--stress kills. I was a basket case, a stroke waiting to happen. I had put myself on the back burner and paid little attention to MY physical and emotional needs because I was wrapped up in all-things-addict.

As I read through your post, I lost count of the number of time I read the word "he or him"...and very little of what YOU are doing for YOU.
I understand--I obsessed over my AS 24/7/365. It was all about HIM. I lost myself in the process.

I hope you will order our Nar-Anon material, go to face to face meetings and attend our on-line meetings too. I found I gained clarity and was able to begin to shift my thinking as i worked on ME.
This program works if you work it--HONEST.

(((hugs)))

[WindyCityMom]

Yes, they lie, lie, lie. They are truly not themselves. And cause us untold amounts of stress. When I finally started mentally reviewing the pluses and minuses of various ways to kill myself, I decided I had to "divorce' my son. His dad is still an enabler and willing to be in denial. I told my son that unless he takes a weekly random drug test and is sober, I cannot see him. Of course, he refuses. It is painful as hell and I still obsess, but for me, my boundary is my boundary and I feel a lot better. Good luck. You are not alone.

[TooShyToScream]

Yes, they lie, lie, lie. They are truly not themselves. And cause us untold amounts of stress. When I finally started mentally reviewing the pluses and minuses of various ways to kill myself, I decided I had to "divorce' my son. His dad is still an enabler and willing to be in denial. I told my son that unless he takes a weekly random drug test and is sober, I cannot see him. Of course, he refuses. It is painful as hell and I still obsess, but for me, my boundary is my boundary and I feel a lot better. Good luck. You are not alone.

Yeah, I think a lot of us were extremely low at one point before we found this program, and some of us even suicidal. I know I was. I went as far as buying everything I needed to do it and that first meeting I went to probably saved my life. I hadn't thought about using those things I had gotten ever since. Even therapy and medication just wasn't doing it for me, I was still constaty miserable, but somehow the program did it. I'm still pretty shocked that it's working for me since nothing else has. But I guess this program is like nothing else because where else can you meet with a room full of people who support you as well as understand and feel exactly what you're going through?

Also, when my fiancé and I separated for a week due to his drug use, I had had enough and told him he could only come back on the condition that either his doctors drug test him every week or I do, but I dropped that boundary after I started doing my program because it's stressful (and expensive) and not really any of my business to do so. I've decided that whether he's recovering or not is between him and his doctors. I've learned to not bother worrying and taking on his problems. If he is using, then he is using. Thats his issue. And I can still stay sane if he chooses to use without obsessing and controlling.