Going to meetings has literally changed my life. The first meeting I went to, I not only had no positive expectations, I had negative expectations. Nevertheless, despite how desperate, miserable, and negative about it I was, I somehow was able to apply those steps and change my life. I went from being at rock bottom to being stable in the matter of a few weeks. It's been a blessing, and now, whether my addict is in active addiction or not, I'm able to keep my sanity. He did and sometimes still does all of the things you described...the lying, blaming, fighting, and not listening to what I have to say. So how am I in a decent state of mind? By simply accepting the first step. That addiction is a disease over which I am powerless, and if my fiancé chooses to use and lie about it, that's his problem, not mine. Undoubtedly, when he uses, he hurts himself and feels guilty about it. But it doesn't have to hurt me. I don't have to put his problems upon myself. So just applying that step helps me to be able to live with active addiction. I still support his recovery by all means, but when he doesn't want it, I choose to detach myself from his problems. It really works miracles when you apply that concept. Whether you are able to live with active addiction or not however is most certainly your choice, but going to meetings will help regardless of whether your decision is to stay or leave him. Lying used to be the thing I hated most about the disease. I felt disrespected because I knew he was using and when he didn't admit it, I felt like he thought I was stupid and deliberately trying to trick me, like the idiot he thought I was. I realized however that it's not about that at all...the lying isn't intentional, it's a symptom of his disease and has no reflection on how he feels about me or thinks of me. When I was able to accept that, I found the peace that I so desperately wanted and I didn't change him one bit in the process of my feeling better, I only changed myself. Plus, me going to meetings inspires him to do the same a lot more often now.
"We've got a problem"
First of all, there is no "we",
I'm detached from you completely
I'VE got a problem;
You tell lies and think it won't get back to me.