Didn't handle it very well...

[2cutekids]

My AH used last night and all my progress in my recovery went out the window! My anger took over once again and I laid into him!! I kept it brief last night because there was no point in getting into with him when he just got off a binge, but this morning I let him have it! Why? If there is one thing I have definitely learned in this program is that all the yelling and threatening is not going to stop him from using! But there was no stopping me! I was furious! I said the most awful, hurtful things to him. Talk about kicking him when he is down! I feel badly for saying the things I said to him now. I do realize that he isn't purposely trying to hurt me, but he is consciously not choosing recovery and that is not acceptable to me anymore. I told him that if he doesn't get into recovery that he can no longer live here. That I would be drug testing him! That's me trying to control again.....but if I am going to set boundaries, this would be the only way I would know for sure if he is crossing them! I'm sure deep down he knows that I NEVER follow thru on my threats, but I'm hoping maybe this once he might think I am serious enough to do it and go into recovery?? Because I don't know if I am prepared to throw him out if he uses again. I haven't talked to him all day since this mornings blow out and he shattered his cell phone into a million pieces against the wall so I can't call him.... Of course now that I have calmed down, I am starting to worry about him...

[Melanie40]

I have had plenty of times that I did not handle things well and have learned that it is okay. I can try to learn from it so i can handle myself better next time. I turn to my HP. I can call my sponsor. I call a Nar-anon friend. I can go to a meeting. I keep going. I keep practicing the steps. I revisit my steps all the time.

Melanie

[carpediem]

Expectations really suck, don't they?
When I was living with my ex-AH and his AS, I expected my loved ones to sober up because I wanted them to. They didn't. I was miserable.
Yet, I kept on expecting them to change, and they didn't.
I also had to look at my expectations for my own behavior.
I thought I shouldn't get mad when my ALOs were behaving like people in full-blown addiction. But of course I did, because they lied, stole, cheated and manipulated me.
Anger is just an emotion, but it is a sign unto me that something's gotta give.

Instead of setting boundaries that didn't work -- the "you will...or else" variety, I had to learn how to set them for ME.
Big difference.

A sponsor could help you with this stuff. Do you have one? I call mine BEFORE I spin off the ledge and go down the path to behavior I don't want to have in myself. Think about that approach next time you feel you're about to go over the cliff. Pick up the phone.

[evergrowing]

If there is one thing I have definitely learned in this program is that all the yelling and threatening is not going to stop him from using!

Great realization! Accepting powerlessness was such an important first step for me. I saw that all of the pleading, screaming, crying, begging was not changing my husband. I couldn't make him stop.

It took a lot of energy to try to stop him -- the snooping, obsessing and emotional outbursts were simply exhausting.

Like you, I realized that I wasn't going to stop him from using.

I had to change. I had to stop spending my energy like that. I had to take back my life and put energy and time into going to meetings, reading the literature, taking care of myself, doing fun things with friends and family.

It didn't happen over night. It was hard to see the results of my efforts for some time.

'Let it begin with me' is my favorite slogan. It is so empowering. I don't have to put my happiness in anyone else's hands. I take the reigns.

Another important one is 'easy does it'. It takes time to change and it is not easy. I made many mistakes along the way, said many things I wish I didn't say but I have learned that I have to forgive myself, pick myself up and dust myself off.

((Hugs))

[linda.f]

I know how hard it is, the insanity of dealing with
"trying to manage the unmanageable".

We are here for you, When I reached out, used the contact list
and found a sponsor only then did I learn how to deal with the
madness.

xo

[Laura]

I too have made decisions in anger and then regretted it later. I did that just his week!! And the experience of others was to be gentle with myself and to have faith that my HP will ensure that I will do what is right for me, when it is right for me. Progrss not perfection came up as well.

I have found that writing here and going to meetings helps me clear my head. You are in my thoughts.

Hugs.
Laura

[Gk61]

Hi Laura,
I've made mistakes with my AD too and then felt guilty.
I started working my program, reading the literature, attending f2f meetings and this forum and learning about the disease. Now that I'm working on my recovery I'm slowly learning the difference between "reacting versus responding" and that the serenity prayer helps in all situations particularly when I find myself leaning towards reaction, controlling mode. Good luck and remember, progress not perfection. Keep coming back because it works if you work it.

[Cheryl]

Dear 2cutekids,

There are no right or wrong answers in any of this. I lost my cool so many times with my son, it was part of my disease .... the thinking that I could control him by showing my hurt and anger. Be kind to you, this is a one day at a time journey.

Cheryl

[tavalon]

This is a really, really, really hard program and while we're handed the tools, we are the ones who have to implement them and more often than not, we get them wrong or we feel like our recovery has flown out of the window but with time, and continued work, I'm finding it a little easier to implement in the moment, but heck, I have the huge advantage that I sent my addicted Ex packing. But I'm still a raging codependent in recovery so I know about the falling on my butt over and over again.

I have no idea if you have children or have been around children, but when they start learning to walk, they fall on their butts, a lot. But, darned if they don't just get right back up and keep working on it. Before you know it, they are walking, then running, then graduating from High School. I think it's the same for us.

[hangingon]

Well, yesterday must have been the day for angry, I had one as well. I stopped myself from speaking when I suddenly realized that it was not my AH that I was really angry at but me. "I" had given up my control of me and turned it over to him by allowing him to dictate and manipulate my feelings - i.e.; my insecurities and fears. My therapist said "angry" is good! It is an emotional response to being threatened, (emotional threat in my case). It is also an opportunity for me to recognize what it is that I am really angry about - the deep emotion behind the anger - and take control of it within "me" not try and control the situation or my AH. Setting boundaries is easy, voicing and following through on the consequences when they are crossed is hard. I fear the unknown, I fear that following threw will mean I will lose him for good. But when I think about this rationally, have I not been "living" the unkown everyday already? I have become comfortable with the unacceptable and until I force myself to step out of my comfort zone the level of what is acceptable will only grow. I know this as fact, because when I look back a few years what I said back then that I would never tolerate I know tolerate.

So, I practice the "I" every day, and with practice comes perfection.

Keep practicing!

Hugs to you

[mcollins5]

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing. Although I joined this forum & program because of my AS, my first husband was an alcoholic, and I know all too well the feelings that you have. That being said, your post made me smile for a moment. Not because of what you're going through, of course, but because you said:

"My anger took over once again and I laid into him!! I kept it brief last night because there was no point in getting into with him when he just got off a binge, but this morning I let him have it!"

and I was immediately reminded of my Grandma, who passed away twenty years ago...we were really close, and when I told her how angry I was when my 'ex' didn't come home, and when he finally did, he was as drunk as a skunk, her advice to me was "Don't yell at him when he's drunk - he won't remember. Get a good nights sleep and wait until the morning when he's sober, then bop him with the frying pan"......

Of course, she wasn't in a program!

Mary

[Gerilyn]

This program helps us, gives us tools to use, but we are human and sometimes we just react. I am sorry you are going through this and all I can offer right now is a tremendous hug and tell you that you'll do better next time. This disease is horrible and it's the disease we hate, not the person. It helps me to remember that.
Love,
Gerilyn

[WindyCityMom]

Addiction is a terrible thing and it takes so much away from us. We are wounded, hurt, disappointed and guilty. Forgive yourself. Try to let the qualifier live his or her own life. Set boundaries for any interactions. That is all you can do. It is an hourly battle, with some good hours and some bad. Staying busy really helps me! Good luck, sista!

[lucky43]

Always remember, you can start your day over any time you need to!

(((HUGS)))

Genny