When I first met my exabf, what drew me to him was his sweetness. There was something very pure and kind about him. He was considerate and treated me in a way I had never been treated. He appreciated me and showed it. He had a gentleness about him.
I didn't realize at the time, but I had been so deprived of this kind of treatment growing up and as an adult...that I just fell into him and we created a nice little world together for a very short while.
I don't know when it happened...probably after a couple of months in...but I realized there was another personality emerging. The more time I spent with him, the more I noticed the extreme shifts in mood. I used to wonder before I saw him, which "person" I would find. Combined with the mood shifts, I noticed the drug use that seemed to become more and more a part of his daily life and ability to function.
Fast-forward to three years later...after the birth of our daughter. I began to see that the sweet person I had met was all but gone. Whath was most prevalent in his personality was selfishness. If something was to be, it was to benefit only himself. He had become very cold, callous and mean...eventually violent.
At different times I have seen a mere flicker of the person he used to be, but it has become more and more rare. Now, I don't have any contact with him other than arranging when he will see our daughter, who will soon be eight.
His personality, if I had to say...well, he seems to have a vacantness about him..and underneath that there is bitterness, sarcasm, a lot of anger. The things he talks about are either himself (usuually boasting) or negative put-downs of other people and/or systems he is lashing out against....like the media, government, religion, etc.
It is very sad what addiction robbed him of --what seemed like someone who once had a beautiful disposition and kindness. I sometimes look at him, and wonder how he could ever get that back...from where he is now, an addict in active addiction who is progressing in his disease.
"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."
(Dr. MLK, Jr.)