My Dads gone now too? Whats next?!

[MsAmy]

Sigh...Here I go. I have been to a few meetings in my area and there was one last night but I just couldnt drag myself to go even though I know with certainty I needed to be there. Now Im still awake at 4am wishing I had gone to maybe hear some words that could help from people who actually have an understanding for what Im going through. 2 weeks before Christmas, my dad gave me the gift of his promise, his word, that he was ready to go into rehab for the first time in his life. Hes been an addict of one thing or another since he was 15, he was 59 years old when he made this decision to finally go. I found the place for him, he called them, was all set to go. Then he stopped talking about going. He said he needed to have back surgery first and since his current addiction is prescription pills he said he didnt want to go to rehab before the surgery since he knew he would have pain meds after surgery. Of course I was let down. He told me he was working really hard on only taking his prescribed dosage of pain meds and said he was only taking a couple more each day. I could tell he was doing better, I was extremely close to my dad. Talked or saw him everyday. He told me on the 27th of Jan of this year that he got his pills refilled but he seemed fine about it, or as fine as an addict can be. My dad passed away 3 days later on the 30th. He had a massive heart attack at a pharmacy, of all places. One of my minds biggest struggles rite now is that back in June 2011 he had a huge 2nd open heart surgery to repair his aorta, and an aneurysm in the aorta. His risk of not making it was very high. He made it through it and did great with recovery. How could he of survived his surgery only months ago then hes gone? His aorta and all other work they did on him during his heart surgery was in perfect condition the coroner told me. His heart just stopped, and eventually exploded. They brought him back 5 times but they couldnt keep him after that 5th time he was back. His deadly heart attack was not because of his previous heart conditions or surgeries, hes never had a problem with his actual heart, just the aorta or blockages. He had taken over 60 pain pills in those 3 short days from when he got them filled, plus his abundance of xanax, and other meds. Ive never known pain like this. I thought after the surgery he would be here to see me get married, have kids, all of it. How do I move on now? Ive lost so many loved ones, family, to addictions. My sister died of a overdose on pills 3 years ago this March. Others have passed from the same. Im 32 and feel 80 inside and I dont know how to feel ok. Also, there are only a few people that know his heart attack was from the overdose. Im sure people think it but they dont know for certain. Do I keep this to myself or tell the truth to people when they ask? Do I continue to protect him even though hes gone? Im so confused. So lost. So alone feeling. I feel like I'll never have that feeling when you can just inhale a deep breath and feel at ease. I miss him. While cleaning out his bedroom I found out just how far his addiction had gone. I mean, I knew it was really bad but I had no idea just how really bad. He had gone through roughly $30,000 in the past 5 years. The money is just gone, he swallowed every penny of it. He was married to my step-mom for 20 years but they had grown so distant that she knew there was money missing, but she had no idea how much. I know the steps of grieving, and its only been alittle over a week but I go from crying my eyes out to being so angry at him then I think thats dumb since hes gone and none of it matters anymore, then my panic attacks are beyond out of control to where I think Im having a heart attack. Im just different inside now. I will, no matter what, go to my meeting next week but I thought I could get some help here too. Im sorry if this is to long, I didnt realize how much was in my head when I started writing. Thanks to all who read this.
~Amy

[dtosh]

Im just different inside now

Yes, you are different inside and will remain so. I am so sorry for your loss and I know just how you feel. You can recover and learn to live with the "new you", but it will take time and it will be painful. I suggest you look into grief support groups in your area as they can help give you an outlet for your inner emotions and thoughts as well as offer help in dealing with your grief. Grief is a very personal thing, but there is no need to deal with it alone. I have found that it gets worse before it gets better (and it does get better in that we learn to cope), so finding support now is better than waiting until later. Learning about grief and the stages of grief also helps because it is good to know that what you are feeling is normal and you're not going insane - though you may feel that way. Please take care of yourself, especially now when you are most vulnerable. You CAN get through this and move forward.

[kathyf]

I'm sorry for the unexpected loss of your dad. My dad died unexpectedly as well and I understand the surprise and shock when that happens.

Addiction is so baffling. I don't think I will ever truly understand the suffering an addict experiences themselves. I'm familiar with my own pain and suffering but I believe addicts are fighting their own demons and immense esteem and self-love issues. It is always shocking to discover the depth of usage of the addict. I had a counselor tell me if I believe or am being told they are taking "X" amount of whatever drug they take, multiply it at least 3 times.

My son will be heading to prison tomorrow. I can choose who I want to share that information with, or not. I can say he's "sorting out his life" or I can say "he's in prison." Either choice is up to me. I don't think that protects him but that it's more about what protects me and what I feel ok saying.

I'm so glad you posted. When my daughter died I was in such grief. Sharing helps so much. You are not alone. Ever again.

Love,
Kathy

[wheretoturn]

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm fairly new on this site but I already know how much it helps just being able to post my thoughts and knowing that there are people out there that care.

Take care of yourself, and just know that you are in our prayers.

Vicki (wheretoturn)

[river rock]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have lost several to addiction,
alot of alcoholics in my family. You are going through the grieving period.
I know for me, I have had all those different emotions too, I think from
what Ive learned, it is all natural. This is the month my good friend committed
suicide 2 yrs ago. I was mad at her for a while too, until I got it that she was
just sick. She had really, bad circumstances, that truly would have been hard
to fight through, but I forgave her of course. I have been told by professionals
that it takes at least a year to even think about recovering from death. You have to
go through Christmas, and birthdays, and anniversary dates etc before the healing
can start. Just know none of it is your fault, you did all you could. I dont know for sure
of course, but Ive been in discussions, and heard that sometimes God allows things like the surgery
to be succesfull as a test to see if the person will take hold of another chance, I just have been in
the discussion, have NO way of knowing, it could make sense in that he didnt die from the heart
problem, it was the addiction. You had asked why he survived the surgery, we cant know. As to
whats next ? I hope it is a long happy life, started on a new road without addiction, with forgiveness
and healing for you and your broken heart. Never give up hope.
Love ya River rock

[DianeB]

I am so sorry that you have lost so much. Hard to lose your Dad.
I know that.

What's next? I don't know. What do you want to be next. I know
that I am forever changed by the deaths of my brother, my mother
and my father. I lost pieces of me when I lost them. But I also know
that I do only get this one life and I wanted it to be better. I hope
this for you.

Time does heal. I hope you will go to your meetings. There are many
who understand. You have been heard here, you will be heard there.

Hugs....

[MsAmy]

Thank you for all the kind words and answering my questions. I hate that addiction affects so many people, but I am greatful for the understanding and compassion. Reading your reminders of time will help heal me, really helped. I dont expect to feel as I did when dad was alive, so I am trying to look forward to the new feelings I will have. Knowing this site is here really has helped. I havent wrote much but reading what others say has helped beyond words. I have friends and even family that offer me help and a listening ear but they dont understand the addiction part of loved ones passing away so its nice to actually hear on this site "I understand" and I truly believe it from others like me. Thank you again.
Amy

[ilostmyparents]

I know how you feel. I lost my mother in January 2010 and my father in November of this year...both to an addiction to prescription pills. It's such an empty feeling to have them taken.