Sigh...Here I go. I have been to a few meetings in my area and there was one last night but I just couldnt drag myself to go even though I know with certainty I needed to be there. Now Im still awake at 4am wishing I had gone to maybe hear some words that could help from people who actually have an understanding for what Im going through. 2 weeks before Christmas, my dad gave me the gift of his promise, his word, that he was ready to go into rehab for the first time in his life. Hes been an addict of one thing or another since he was 15, he was 59 years old when he made this decision to finally go. I found the place for him, he called them, was all set to go. Then he stopped talking about going. He said he needed to have back surgery first and since his current addiction is prescription pills he said he didnt want to go to rehab before the surgery since he knew he would have pain meds after surgery. Of course I was let down. He told me he was working really hard on only taking his prescribed dosage of pain meds and said he was only taking a couple more each day. I could tell he was doing better, I was extremely close to my dad. Talked or saw him everyday. He told me on the 27th of Jan of this year that he got his pills refilled but he seemed fine about it, or as fine as an addict can be. My dad passed away 3 days later on the 30th. He had a massive heart attack at a pharmacy, of all places. One of my minds biggest struggles rite now is that back in June 2011 he had a huge 2nd open heart surgery to repair his aorta, and an aneurysm in the aorta. His risk of not making it was very high. He made it through it and did great with recovery. How could he of survived his surgery only months ago then hes gone? His aorta and all other work they did on him during his heart surgery was in perfect condition the coroner told me. His heart just stopped, and eventually exploded. They brought him back 5 times but they couldnt keep him after that 5th time he was back. His deadly heart attack was not because of his previous heart conditions or surgeries, hes never had a problem with his actual heart, just the aorta or blockages. He had taken over 60 pain pills in those 3 short days from when he got them filled, plus his abundance of xanax, and other meds. Ive never known pain like this. I thought after the surgery he would be here to see me get married, have kids, all of it. How do I move on now? Ive lost so many loved ones, family, to addictions. My sister died of a overdose on pills 3 years ago this March. Others have passed from the same. Im 32 and feel 80 inside and I dont know how to feel ok. Also, there are only a few people that know his heart attack was from the overdose. Im sure people think it but they dont know for certain. Do I keep this to myself or tell the truth to people when they ask? Do I continue to protect him even though hes gone? Im so confused. So lost. So alone feeling. I feel like I'll never have that feeling when you can just inhale a deep breath and feel at ease. I miss him. While cleaning out his bedroom I found out just how far his addiction had gone. I mean, I knew it was really bad but I had no idea just how really bad. He had gone through roughly $30,000 in the past 5 years. The money is just gone, he swallowed every penny of it. He was married to my step-mom for 20 years but they had grown so distant that she knew there was money missing, but she had no idea how much. I know the steps of grieving, and its only been alittle over a week but I go from crying my eyes out to being so angry at him then I think thats dumb since hes gone and none of it matters anymore, then my panic attacks are beyond out of control to where I think Im having a heart attack. Im just different inside now. I will, no matter what, go to my meeting next week but I thought I could get some help here too. Im sorry if this is to long, I didnt realize how much was in my head when I started writing. Thanks to all who read this.