Holiday Blues

[dtosh]

It is so hard to face the holidays again with this hole in my heart. I would love to just go to bed and wake up on January 2 with it all behind me - but I can't. Any joy of holidays just seems to be sucked out of me and seeing others happily celebrating makes me feel like a lost child. I should be somewhat used to it because for 12 years of my daughter's addiction, holidays brought relapses and frustration and most of the holidays were wrecked in some way or other. Now, they are still wrecked in a different and more painful way. It is hard not to resent this, but the sadness overcomes the resentfulness and I just miss her. I have two other adult children who are wonderful and I try to stay upbeat, but that hole in my heart is so hard to walk around - and it is hard not to fall into it. I find that on some days, living like this is a chore - it just isn't natural. Fortunately, those days are becoming fewer and I know that I am recovering. It's just that I also know I will never fully recover and that hole will never fill. This new "normal" is not to my liking and I will continue to try to change it into something more pleasant. Sometimes, though, it can still be so damned overwhelming.

Give your addict a hug and tell them you love them - then tell them again. No matter how hard and difficult things are, don't ever give that up. It is more precious than anything else.

[Linda (lsv)]

Hi Dave,

I know the hole in your heart you speak of...my loss was many years ago. It still hurts, just not like the way it did the first few years. I could not understand how other people went on with their lives, smiling, loving, laughing...didn't they understand that the world had been irrevocably changed? I am sorry for your pain...I am so grateful for your continued sharings and recovery. Hugs to you and Barb. None of this is easy.

Love you,
Linda

[simplemom]

{{Hugs}} to you and Barbara during the holiday season.

I have been dealing with my son's addiction for a mere 3 yrs and this is the first holiday that it is just my wonderful hubby and myself.

And it is ok. I worked my program and had a nice day. I have learned that you are what you think and there was no need to 'spin' Thanksgiving into something the media pushes everyone into, a huge family gathering.

I had wonderful phone conversations with family members who understand what addiction means and that was enough for me. I am grateful.

I did talk with my son and do remember your prior post...I will not love my son to death. You are and will be an inspiration. I never miss a chance to tell my son how I and his family love him. I do tell him to work on loving himself. I still hurt to see him destroy himself. But he needs to figure out his life and I truly 'get it' that I am not the one to do this for him.

Thank you for your heart felt share. I wish you and your family peace during this holiday season.

[APPLE]

Hey Dave,

This is my second set of holidays without my AD - who too is addicted to heroin. Only now, I believe, many youth (including my daughter) are mixing heroin and meth. I feel that hole, and my AD is still alive (I think) somewhere. With her phone cut off, I have no way to tell her anymore how much I love her - though I always did when we were in touch. I just won't let her come home to live until she is clean. I have her daughter living with me, who is only 6 and has seen way too much of this harsh world through her mother and is quite frankly, pretty happy to be living a normal, stable life now. We pray together every night for her mother, but she is just doing so much better than when she was living with me AND her mother! (She and her Mom lived with us after her first stint in rehab last holiday season.)

I know about that hole, and I just never quite know when I will just 'lose it' and get teary eyed. I seem to be able to keep from just falling apart though now and that helps. Healing? I sure hope so. For me anyway. And hopefully my one and only child.

[kathyf]

Holidays are difficult for many of us in the world for various reasons. Losing a child is at the top of the list. My daughter died on Christmas Day; she was not an addict by any means, she was only 9 years old. This year I wonder what Christmas Day will bring; I wonder if my AS will show up on that day. We have extremely limited contact - but I am grateful for the one-liners I receive occasionally on my facebook. This lets me know he is still alive.

When I first joined this board (a few weeks ago?) I was mad. I felt like I was done with my AS. I was exhausted and wanted nothing to do with him. By reading the shares of others I realized my exhaustion was partially created by my own inability to set boundaries and to get sucked in. I also realized I do love my son. The more I read others shares I realize that it is ok to love him, and to tell him. So many of my extended family members are mad and they easily say, "Oh you just have to go on with your life." Yes, this is true, I do. But that doesn't mean I stop loving my son. I learned on here that it's ok to tell him that, too. I don't have to give the cold shoulder and punish him for his addiction. If that is their choice, then they are free to do so, but it's important to me that no matter what he's doing, he knows that I love him. Because I do. I hate his addiction but I love my son. I don't support his lifestyle and I can set boundaries. It doesn't lessen my love for him. I think it's important he knows this.

Kathy