Need advice

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Need advice

Post by jasonmcc1974 » Tue Jan 02, 2018 8:57 pm

Ok i have a stepson who is now 21.he has been on meth and pills for the last year.he started messing drugs when he was 16. We had a hard time.i with his mother pretty much raised him and his brother.there father was in and out of jail for drugs and vehicle manslaughter for being drunk. Step son was about 13 when this happened.Since he litterally turned sixteen he has been verbally abusive to his mother and even cussed me when he was mad.punched holes in the wall and thrown things.he went to rehab at 17. All went pretty well for the next year.he got a girlfriend that was good for him have heard though he started pain killers though.when he was 19 she broke up with him. He started really hanging around his bad cousins and drugees.started stealing.several times we told him to leave of course it didnt happen.may of 2016 his father gets out of prison.right away ,they start their handy man services.him and his dad went and bought beer the day he got out of prison and got drunk according to my other stepson.soon they were doing meth/dope/pills. Stealing money from my bedroom. This went on for several months. I was blocking known drugees from his phone that i paid for. Well he got tired of it and threatened to kill my wife if i didnt unblock those contacts. Well long story,his dad gets busted again 11 months after he got out and goes back to prison.after he threatened her(i was on call at hospital that night)the next day i packed and took EVERY item of his away from my house to a location he could get it.of course he was the way we have a 8 year old that had to witness several years of this crap! He has shown up numerous times this past year and ive called the cops.had him arrested twice for thieving our garage with other drugees when we were not home.alerted to security camera. He didnt know they were there..he has been living at his great grandmothers home in the basement with a drugee cousin who is now in jail.the local judge is a cousin to his great grandmother so she has dropped charges sevetal times for thing he she have been jailed on.only making him think even more he can do whatever.other stepson said last time he was there there was spoons and syringes everywhere. I can truly never trust him again.wife tells me today he called and she is taking to a rehab a couple hours away.i think this is good but he has been so manipulative since he was 16.always doing something to benefit himself.obviously this would help him but i think its to try and get back into our house. I told her when i threw him out i could never live with him again !he is evil and i cant let out little boy be around it.the cussing and anger.also forgot to mention ikicked him out twice before and my wife begged me to let him come back.she said he was crying. I said no and 2 days later he shows up at 10 pm after i went to bed moving his stuff back in!! So i let him because my wife was angry at me. Now this time i truly cant ever live with him. For my own peace and sanity i cant be around him.i had anxiety since he started acting crazy at 16. I finally rest good at night for last 11 months knowing he was not in my house or coming there because i called the cops..step son was staying gone for days at a time on drugs.coming home paranoid. Sorry so long but i need to talk. What if my wife wants him to move back in after rehab? I cant let it happen. I dont want a divorce since we have a good relationship and a sweet 8 year old. I just cant stand the thought of being around him. I think he should leave this town! Obvious thinks he can just be friends with these same people and not get into anything. He said once JESUS hung out with thieves and murders.tries to use words to manipulate his mother. He had a cousin around my age that left this town after she and her boyfriend had been on drugs and he got killed in a car wreck.she left and moved to atlanta and never came back and did good. Said she couldnt be around tbe same people. Advice please.

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Re: Need advice

Post by lbogie » Wed Jan 03, 2018 11:53 am

Welcome! So glad you found us. You will never be alone again.
We don't give "advice" as what may work for one, may not be right for another. However, we DO offer our ESH (experiences, strengths and Hope). The Program is for US and OUR Serenity and learning how to live a life worth living for US. I'm so sorry you are going through this, as are so so many of us. It's not easy, that is for sure.
All I can offer is that I totally understand.
My Son is in jail for at least another 2 years and I'm trying not to focus on the future..................this day, today if I had to make a decision about him coming here to "live' after his release is a big fat NO...............My Husband (battling C) is a little softer and I'm not sure what will happen. One day at a time my friend and remember these things if you so desire:

3 C's we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Boundaries - they are for OUR protection (physical, emotional, financial etc) not to punish. Boundaries are not always warmly welcomed but WE are worth it, WE deserve to live a life of Peace regardless of what is or is not going on around us.

Not easy, but definately works if we work it.
Keep coming back for YOU!
I wish you and your Family Peace............
“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

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Re: Need advice

Post by DonnaMc » Wed Jan 03, 2018 4:08 pm

Hi. Glad you are here.

Addiction just doesn't turn our addicted loved ones lives upside down, it does ours as well, if we let it. There are many people on this forum who have gone through, or are going through, what your and your family are. We don't give advice because, as you will see if you look around, we all handle our situation differently and do what works for us.

In my situation, with our son, I consider myself very, very lucky because my husband and I were on the exact same page as to how to handle issues. We didn't always know what to do, in fact, we spent many years flailing about, trying this or that. But, whenever we made a decision, we were united on it.

I was able to bring myself to kick my son out of our house, but I could never bring myself to call the police when he came around in the middle of the night pounding on the door, or when he got physical if we opened the door and tried to have a discussion with him. Now, I see things differently and I believe I should have but, I was too afraid of how arrests/jail time would affect his future job/living prospects. As it turns out, due to two DUI's, he ran headlong in to what I was trying so hard to avoid...consequences.

I consider myself doubly lucky because, when things were at their worst, my husband decided to apply for an out of state job, which he got and, we moved. Three months prior, moving was not even on the radar, let alone moving 1400 miles away but, in my gut, I knew the only way to get out of the cycle of rescuing and fighting and drama with our son was to cut the physical ties. He no longer has a door to pound on at night. He knows, in general, what part of the country we live in, but he does not know the address, town or state.

I can only say it was both the most difficult, and the easiest, thing I've ever done. My home is my sanctuary and it was so stressful for those years when addiction made it a battleground. For his part, my son seems to be doing better. I am careful about my contact with him. For now, it is not abundant. We check in with one another every so often. Do I still love him to the moon and back? Absolutely. The love never dies. Maybe someday it will be different and there will be more contact, a closer relationship between us all. For now, this is what it is.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer - Albert Camus

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Re: Need advice

Post by MarieW » Wed Jan 03, 2018 4:24 pm

Welcome to the Forum. When I was in the middle of addict drama with my son, I couldn't think straight or make a good decision to save my life. That's what finally brought me here. It took lots of reading, posting, attending meetings (on-line here and in person) for me to really start to understand the Nar-Anon program and begin applying the principles to to my life.

I started to understand that 1) I could not get my son clean. Neither could a doctor, court or treatment program. He had to do that himself. And 2) I deserve to live a happy, safe life regardless of what he chooses to do with his.

I cannot work my son's program; I can only work mine. Have you found a meeting (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) in your area? You will find much support and wisdom there. And here! So keep coming back!
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Re: Need advice

Post by Ma1954 » Thu Jan 04, 2018 11:56 am

TYFS. How awful the life connected to addiction. When I read your story I think of mine. My life truly is unmanageable. You are in the right place. You are not alone. Keep coming back. Hugs. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: Need advice

Post by HollyTx » Thu Jan 04, 2018 12:09 pm

What if my wife wants him to move back in after rehab? I cant let it happen. I dont want a divorce since we have a good relationship and a sweet 8 year old. I just cant stand the thought of being around him.
Has she actually expressed the wish to have him back after rehab? Have you talked to her about your concerns - not only for you, but also your son?

Only you can decide what you will and will not live with.

I could not stop my ALO from being in the house when my spouse had invited him. However, if his behavior was off, I took my children and went somewhere else until he was gone - overnight if necessary. It took once of my ALO being high. DH said, "Oh he was just unwell." Really? If not, why didn't he call 9-1-1. I know that if my other kids had been acting like that, it would have been an ambulance and the local ER. The fact that DH didn't call meant he knew internally that it was drugs. My ALO and DH had a talk. And he has not come over high since - but had come over a number of times clean. And if he does come over high - well, I will take my kids again and pop off until he's out. That's what worked for me.

Find out what works for you and follow that. I found that meetings here and F2F as well as literature, steps and sponsor have been life-savers.



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Re: Need advice

Post by jasonmcc1974 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:45 am

Thank you all for the responses.they really mean alot. I went to some alanon meetings a few years ago when he was starting out with drugs. They helped in seeing others just lime me. They were close to the hospital where i work so i was abke to attend. Since i kicked him out last february, our house has pretty much been a nice quite home other than the times when step son has shown has become PEACEFUL AGAIN.AND SAFE. I orig posted this but deleted it that last year another drugee went missing and hasnt been found. He said once to me that people go missing around here.also within a few weeks of that he told his mother she never calls to check on him (when he was staying house for a few days at atime).he said that he could come ul missing like the drugee and he said his name.he at one time told my other stepson that this guy was fed to the pigs and they would never find him. I believe he had something to do with getting rid of him. Months later afriend with a sister who was on drugs had cleaned up and ran into my stepson and remembered seeing him at the house apparently where this drugee was killed! She was going to the police but apparently they never found he could have made this up but why would he say things lime that to my wife and me and other stepson.i truly believe he knows what happened to that guy.This TRULY scares me about someone like this ever coming back in my house. I havent talkes to my wife about possibly him coming back because i was so to the point last time of her having to find somewhere else is she ever had a notion of living with him again.i dont even want him in my house. So many thoughts are just running thru my head that they just get me down of thinking what may happen at the end of this month when he gets out of rehab.i dont want
him anywhere around my sanctuary(home) even if hes clean after all the things he put us thru and things he did or may have helped with

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Re: Need advice

Post by DianeB » Fri Jan 05, 2018 12:18 pm

One of the things I worried about was having him live with me for any extended
period of time.

My sponsor ask me to consider a few things, try them on to fit and see if I was
open to any of them.

1. Turn him away. Simple to say but the hardest to do

2. Discuss my boundaries for the using, no drugs, no friends high,
attend meetings and work a program. and....

2b. Set a time limit for his staying. Like, 2 weeks or a month to find another place, etc.

2c. When setting a time limit, give a list of places he could be....sober living,
salvation army...whatever resources you might find.

3. Let him know in advance that he cannot come home and to arrange with his rehab
some contact with social services to find him alternative housing.

4. Do nothing and nothing happens. No change.

I did a bit of all these at various times. The only way 2 worked was when he was
completely ready for recovery. That took awhile.

Of course, you and your spouse must be on the same page. As I saw myself, when
not on the same page, the fracture worked to his benefit. The manipulation was
strong and as a son's pull was stronger. I learned the hard way that
my spouse and I had to work as one.

Ponder all options. Go to meetings and share your thoughts. Life is hard no matter
what but sharing your fears and the support of others will help soften it.

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