Newbie-emotional mess

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Newbie-emotional mess

Post by Jbuter11 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:35 am

Our 27 year old AS was arrested on Dec 5 with drug related charges. His court date is next week. He works for my husband and 3 months ago he started not showing up for work, sleeping all day. That was our first glimpse into addiction. We are trying to deal with how his arrest will affect our AS and our family. Our finances are draining since this happened and we are struggling with “enabling or helping” our AS. We tried to talk with him about rehab, he chose to do outpatient counseling but has not stopped using. The lies, manipulation and disrespect are so painful. We are worried that if we cut him off he may do something that cannot be undone; how would we live with losing him completely without feeling guilty every minute of everyday. Feeling scared, frustrated and totally overwhelmed.

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Re: Newbie-emotional mess

Post by jeanette » Wed Jan 03, 2018 8:49 am

Welcome to nar-anon - we all enter these rooms in desperation!

I, too, worried about the "something that cannot be undone" - everything from a court record to much worse. I put my physical safety, my financial well-being, and my sanity at risk - but here I learned a different way of life. I could still love the person but hate the disease. I could still love the person, but not do for them. I could still love the person, but not feed the addiction by enabling. I could still love the person, and I could mourn as they lived the consequences of their disease of addiction.

My LO claimed it wasn't that bad, that he could stop anytime, that it wasn't his fault. Looking at it from his perspective, maybe it wasn't. From my perspective, it was way worse than he thought.

People do live through addiction, people do come out the other side, people do get jobs after being incarcerated, people can live in recovery. It is hard - but no one ever said life would be easy.

Welcome to nar-anon - we are here for you in your recovery!
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: Newbie-emotional mess

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 10:59 am

I've come to realize that the "something that can't be undone" may be the very thing that helps my ALO get his life back...that gets him to a point of desperation where he realizes the need to seek treatment again. I can no longer take the brunt of consequences and try to shelter him from them. He has to face those consequences head-on to realize they are the result of his choices and disease. Maybe then he'll come to a point of true recovery...or maybe not. But regardless, they aren't my consequences they are his.

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Re: Newbie-emotional mess

Post by vscook » Wed Jan 03, 2018 11:02 am

Welcome to the forum. Everyone here is dealing with the issues of having an addicted loved one. There are many people here who have loved ones who have been arrested, and sometimes it is what it takes for their ALO to turn their life around. Only your AS can determine when he is ready & willing to make a change. Nar-anon is a program for YOU. Please take the time to read the posts in the announcements section to learn more about the program. We have online meetings here every Sunday, Monday & Wednesday evening at 8 pm Eastern. Keep coming back!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: Newbie-emotional mess

Post by lbogie » Wed Jan 03, 2018 2:31 pm

Welcome Jb! You have come to the right place for YOU.
I understand your pain, desperation, uncertainty and fear.
Keep coming back for YOU. I keep coming back because I have learned many many lessons (and continue to do so) and have also made mistakes. Great thing about MY Program is it is custom made, just for me. I can reset myself anytime I need to.

We are not perfect, we all want what is best for our loved ones, it's a normal reaction.

I've come to learn that there is much I have absolutely no control over. I had to step back and start taking care of ME.
No matter what was said, begging, crying, yelling, yadda yadda yadda............................I can't live like that anymore, nor do I want to.
I hope you can find some Peace...............One day at a time.

3 A's
Keep coming.........
“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

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Re: Newbie-emotional mess

Post by DonnaMc » Wed Jan 03, 2018 4:22 pm

Hi Jayne,

I know it sounds like a broken record but, the only thing that helped me get over my guilt was working on my own recovery via this forum and NarAnon face to face meetings. It is in these places that I learned that I have, for a long time, had a misplaced sense of responsibility. I am not responsible for my adult son's choices. If my son loses his life to this disease, I will feel devastated and sad - as I would with the loss of my husband, or any other family member who is close to me, but, I will not feel guilty. My guilt, for a long time, is what helped to feed his disease. I softened every blow, I dealt with every consequence. I called the courts, went to impound yards, paid fines. This only freed up his time and money to continue drinking/using. I thought I was his mother, in actuality, I was his unpaid personal assistant.

As a mother, it is my job to love him. I do, though I choose now to do it from a distance. I also know it is not my right to make choices for him. Whether or not I like the choices he is making, whether or not they are illegal, whether or not they will kill him one day, they are his to make. I can no more choose for him whether he takes that drink or that drug, than I can choose for him what he's going to wear for the day.


Donna Mc
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer - Albert Camus

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Re: Newbie-emotional mess

Post by Jbuter11 » Thu Jan 04, 2018 6:19 am

Thank you for all the responses! After reading them and pouring over everything on this site we are realizing that we have a lot to learn about addiction and we need to get healthy ourselves one day at a time. We are committed to becoming part of the meetings offered here! Thank you again for the kind words!


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