With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Post by DeanW » Mon Jan 01, 2018 3:40 pm

Well, I was close to hysteria. I never, ever, ever go in that direction. Today I did. I'm ashamed of myself and embarrassed. Now how do I come down from this feeling?

I closed on a house I owned this past Friday. There were a couple of issues after closing that did not show up in the due diligence period and the buyers did not reinspect - that buyers requested help with. Couple of single women who seemed overwhelmed with the move. I was in a box - as the seller/agent of the property I really cannot pay someone to go there and do the work for them. It was a holiday anyway. But, this is not my fault so I need to cover myself and paying someone would look like I am accepting responsibility for it. Soo, I asked my SIL to do these minor things...one was caulking the shower and the other was adjusting the temp from the bathroom tub so they had hot water. No, these things were not my problem but I felt I wanted to do this - well, I do things like that - Karma. He went there with me yesterday and within 10 minutes said, "whoops I don't have a tool I need." - I tried to tell him we could go get it but he insisted on making an appointment today to complete. I don't like that because I'm wanting to finish this up...but, what do I do? Today we go to pick him up at 2 and just before we get to their house I get a text saying "I re-scheduled" - Oh my, I lost it. I didn't want him communicating with this person. He got her phone number behind my back just for this purpose...

I lost it. My grandsons heard me. I was out of control. They've never heard me raise my voice. I was a banshee. I'm still shaking I am so angry.

This is what pushed me so far: He said he changed the appt so he could go "shopping"....I said, "we're paying you do do this..." - and he SCOFFED at that statement about paying him. He scoffed at it! He has not worked for anyone except my husband for the past 3 years. This house was to be our last...it IS our last. My husband just told me he is -$2500, which explains his attitude. He's gone in the hole by $2500 and sees any work that goes toward paying off that loan as FREE work in his head. We had just GIVEN our daughter 1000 for rent/utilities as she was starting new job. I said given because she wanted to pay me back at $30 week (min wage job) - I cannot little payments like that from her when she needs. I decided to give as a Christmas present and not expect back. BUT, that's the background.

We have helped create a monster financially. This man is 46 years old and he doesn't understand or care about money - at least beyond the price of cigarettes. Our daughter used to say he would work "when wolves are at the door" - she no longer has that expectation.

But, more importantly - to me - my grandsons heard me so angry. I let their father push my buttons to the point that I broke. I will never do that again but I also need to put boundaries in place regarding him. I don't know if he is abusing drugs or not - my daughter insists he is not....but it doesn't matter, I need boundaries. My husband needs boundaries. It's time. We think we put boundaries in place and in a way we did. SIL did work for us and we paid him fairly but he always was wanting more and my husband would put it as a loan. This isn't working. He has a shed in our back yard he said would be finished in 6 days and this was 3 months ago.

I never want to lose it again like I did today. Seriously, still shaking....

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Re: Disrespect

Post by MATT'S MOM » Mon Jan 01, 2018 6:03 pm

Stress has a way of bringing me to points of behavior that I would not normally get to...please forgive yourself for loosing your cool. We all have our breaking points it sounds like you hit yours. One day at a time I one moment at a time. I tell myself that when I have lost my cool. Working on remembering that helps me to take a deep breath and restart. Identifting what I need to change and going forward. Holding you and giving you a hug.

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Re: Disrespect

Post by Sqbear42 » Mon Jan 01, 2018 7:18 pm

I understand completely. It happens you're human. Forgive yourself and when you're ready let it go.


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Re: Disrespect

Post by grateful » Tue Jan 02, 2018 9:14 am

(((Dean))) I've reached those places myself from time to time. One of the things I learned to do to cope as a younger version of myself was to "suck it up." Rather than to deal with something in a way that benefitted me, I'd suck up the insult, the slur, the broken promise, the boundary crashing, the lie, the exploitation. Then, I'd blow with all of that sucked up stuff rising to the surface of me and spilling out everywhere with a force I couldn't seem to stop. Much like lava exploding from deep within a mountain. It was ugly - the explosion and truth be told it was necessary because until that stuff came up from me, I didn't realize just how important it was for me to learn a new way to deal with old problems. Hitting bottom was anything but easy and pleasant but it sure helped me realize that what I was doing wasn't working and I was willing to go to any lengths to learn a new way to deal with myself and others. Checking my motives was a critical part of the learning new ways of interacting with myself and others and sometimes my motives included trying to control others choices and the consequences of those choices. When they didn't operate the way I was trying to get them to operate, the frustration and anger grew in me until the energy was too much to hold in anymore. At other times, I was letting people treat me anyway they wanted to treat me without removing myself from their presence or holding them accountable for bad behavior. I feared change in those cases. Meetings, a good therapist and working the steps helped me to think differently and to act differently. I also became grateful for those times when I did hit bottom because in some ways that was the only way I was going to make the changes I needed to make for me - just like you are doing.
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Re: Disrespect

Post by Ronni » Tue Jan 02, 2018 9:35 am

I have had so many moments like that...not with my RAS, but with my ex husband, who was abusive, and who pushed me beyond my endurance many times.

My children saw me lose it, saw me shriek like a banshee, saw me throw things, saw and heard me do things that are completely uncharacteristic of me, and alien to them, that frightened them. My wholly reactive anger towards my abusive ex caused me to to behave in a way that is completely foreign to me, and in a way that I hated myself for.

They are all adults now, some with children themselves, and I've had many conversations with them over the years about how things were when I was with their Dad. The one thing that sticks out in their minds, one for one, more than anything else, was the way I spoke to them, they say every single time, after an outburst such as I described. They remember my apologies, my care of them as I talked to each of them about how that made them feel, what emotions it stirred up in them, what issues or concerns or fears they had in the moment when they saw and/or heard me acting in a way that was uncharacteristic of me.

They hold none of that past behavior against me, simply because I TALKED to them, recognized that it must have been frightening or destabilizing for them to see their normally level headed, tolerant and patient mother lose it, and validated that in them.

For what it's worth, reactive anger is THE PITS! I've been divorced for many years now, and have never, not once since, reacted in such a volatile manner, even during the very worst of things with my addict. Reactive anger turned me into someone I didn't even recognize.

My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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Re: Disrespect

Post by vscook » Tue Jan 02, 2018 12:20 pm

Our ALO's certainly have a way of pushing our buttons! I can remember losing it on my husband in front of my daughter. She was young then, and I know it frightened her. However, you are only human, and you have your limits. You can always apologize to your grandsons - I'm sure they will understand. Sounds like it's time to set/reinforce your boundaries with your SIL. (Hugs)
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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