Where Do You Draw The Line?

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Jenw
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Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by Jenw » Tue Jul 12, 2016 11:24 am

My Husband and I have been separated almost a year ago now and I know that the person that I fell in love with has completely disappeared and been replaced by an addict. He was diagnosed in May with Bipolar disorder after a suicide attempt in our home he tells me that he is going to be going into a program shortly and is just waiting on a bed. I find myself struggling every day to decide where I draw the line with him. He came to me recently because he has run out of options for places to stay while he waits to get into treatment. Am I supposed to use the tough love approach and say too bad or am I supposed to try and help him and understand?

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Cheryldel
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by Cheryldel » Tue Jul 12, 2016 12:19 pm

Each one of us has our own personel line. We can share our own experiences.
For me my line got drawn when I had a pattern that wasn't changing. Each time my line got better and stronger. I think I had to do everything I did in order to come to the line..knowing it truly was out of my power.
The one slogan that always gets me..if you do what you always do...you get what you always get.
As strongly as I could muster..I had to do what's best for me. But this was with my son.
A marriage ..I don't know. Guess I would have to decide if I wanted in or out.
Xo cheryl

Jenw
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by Jenw » Wed Jul 13, 2016 8:41 am

Thank-you
There is something going on maybe it is my spiritual awakening and your words are making things very clear to me.

MarieW
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by MarieW » Wed Jul 13, 2016 10:29 pm

Welcome to the Forum. I am also separated from my husband. He is having serious health issues related to his addictions, and I am constantly trying to figure out how much to help him.

One way I do that is by noticing when I feel resentment. As long as I am doing only what I want to and not expecting anything from him, I do not feel resentful. As soon as I step over that line, I feel it. Then I know I need to step back and take care of myself.

Have you found a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting in your area? We have meetings here on line three night a week. You can get all the info if you read the posts under Announcements from the main Family Groups Recovery page.

Dealing with an addict is too much for us to do alone. Thank god we don't have to!

Keep coming back.

PS: You will get more responses if you post on the Family Group page. We tend to use this section of the Forum for lighter subjects.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

Jenw
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by Jenw » Thu Jul 14, 2016 9:20 am

Thank you for your insight you have made a very good point. I don't have a Nar-Anon group near where I live so it is great to know there are online meetings.

Jamie
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by Jamie » Sat Aug 06, 2016 2:01 pm

i think that after 18 years and 6 kids.. i have finally drawn the line.
My husband left us to move in with his girlfriend after almost a year clean.
I have been struggling with his affairs and addition to crack cocaine all of this time.
I just decided a month ago that he cant come back and pretend that nothing happened. now im dealing with the aftermath. and all of the bills and he said that it's all my fault
THE SAD THING IS, I ACTUALLY BELIEVED HIM AND KEPT LETTING HIM BACK IN HOPING THAT I COULD MAKE IT BETTER.
now i know its his choice. as broken hearted as i am. I am taking this day by day.
Im in desperate need of a sponsor

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grateful
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by grateful » Sun Aug 07, 2016 10:23 pm

I drew the line with my x when it was very apparent to me that his multiple issues could/would destroy us all. He was responsible for his health and although he went to rehab once after we divorced, he used until he died at age 51. I didn't know anything about detachment back then. I do now. One of the things I learned was not to allow myself to be used or abused in the interest of anyone's recovery. Later, my son also became a full blown A. By then, I knew what I didn't know when married to his Dad. Not to allow myself to be used or abused in the interest of his recovery was harder then with his Dad, even with recovery experience but I was able to remove myself more quickly from the damage the advancing and progressing disease does cause for many of us with friends or loved ones with this disease.
Seek beauty

River Rock
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by River Rock » Mon Aug 08, 2016 10:27 am

Noone can tell you that. There are diff ways to
Deal, stay with him through it all, tell him
After he gets his recovery you will discuss
It, just talk as a friend as needed, it's all
About what works for you. His recovery is his
And his alone, as is yours. You owe him nothing,
We don't choose the life of drugs, we don't have
To feel guilty, like they will try to make us. I've
Also seen my son go to rehab and relapse right
Away, just because the say they want recovery
Or go to treatment doesn't mean they do. They
Tell us what we want to hear sometimes. You will
Know by what you see from him, not what you
Hear him say he's doing. One day at a time
Meetings. Sponsor. Steps worked for me.
River Rock

asnow96
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by asnow96 » Tue Aug 30, 2016 11:55 pm

I sent my husband to Newport Beach, California for treatment where they paid for his flight and everything, we live in Missouri. They have a 60 day program although my husband manipulated his way out of it in 3 weeks saying he had a medical condition. But I can still pass this info along to you. Let me know if you would like further information on it. The good thing was, I didn't even need his consent, they never spoke with my husband not one time until he arrived, they do take insurance and they also have a hardship grant for ones that can't pay. I called on a Monday and he left that Wednesday, he could have left on Tuesday but he wanted more time to pack and say his goodbye's.
Jenw wrote:My Husband and I have been separated almost a year ago now and I know that the person that I fell in love with has completely disappeared and been replaced by an addict. He was diagnosed in May with Bipolar disorder after a suicide attempt in our home he tells me that he is going to be going into a program shortly and is just waiting on a bed. I find myself struggling every day to decide where I draw the line with him. He came to me recently because he has run out of options for places to stay while he waits to get into treatment. Am I supposed to use the tough love approach and say too bad or am I supposed to try and help him and understand?

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DEEMGEE
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by DEEMGEE » Fri Jan 20, 2017 5:49 pm

Just as I am reading your post, I get a call from my AH that he is an hour away from getting me from work and he should have been here by now. He has my car so he can supposedly look for a car for himself. Yet again, another bs story as to why he can't be where he is supposed to be at the time he knows he's supposed to be here. So I truly need to know where do I draw the line? Now I'm stuck at my job for an hour after they close. It's raining here and if they lock the bldg, I'll have to stand in the rain. But if I say anything, I'm wrong and causing him problems. This is the part of being affected by another person's drug use that I hate. I used to look forward to Fridays and I'm starting to dread them again. Oh boy!!

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Michelle1998
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by Michelle1998 » Sat Jan 21, 2017 3:36 pm

I can relate to so much in all of these posts. I actually do more for my AH then I do my 17 year old daughter. When he was diagnosed 5years ago with schizoaffective dissorder I really kicked into caregiving mode. I do believe he has mental health issues but I also really believe a lot of it has been drug related. Boy was I relieved to have an excuse for his behavior! For four and half years I took off work monthly for his psych appointments, drove 30 mins home picked him up and drove 30 mins back for his appointment. I loved having that control! However he resents me more than ever for making him do that and he continued to use the whole time. So what was I really controlling? Nothing. I have bent over backwards to make sure his life is easy, comfortable and he has everything he needs and wants at all times. Guess what, he continued using. You will have to decide what boundaries work for you but I caution you against doing things for him because you think it will affect his recovery. You have to find the balance of what kind of support you're comfortable offering while making sure you are still meeting your own needs and taking care of you. Keep coming back!
Life is a journey not a destination

sincerebrowneyes
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by sincerebrowneyes » Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:33 am

Albert Einstein said "You can not solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world a new." We did not create the problem so to speak, but we live the problem. So we can not solve the "problem" the addiction/addict we need to look at a new way of living this life and do the best we can.

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Lauraleeg
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by Lauraleeg » Sat Jan 28, 2017 1:01 pm

Tough love is not and can not be what I practice. Tough love puts the focus on the addict and tries to MAKE them change. For example " If you dont get clean we are through". The difference with the Naranon approach, as I understand it--and even if I dont, because it works for me...is to say something like " I know you are an adult and you get to choose how you want to live, but I get to live my life too and I cant live with active addiction in my world" For me there is a difference in focus. The first looks to the addict to change, the second is about me and helping me change. I cant control anything the addict does, but I can control what I do. All i can control is what I do. Nothing else.
With my addict daughter...I have boundaries. I will see her in her city, but she is not welcome home in active addiction. Active addiction in my home destroys my peace. Nobody drunk or high is allowed to be in my home. Ever.
Boundaries are for me. My daughter has to fully suffer the consequences of her addiction--if I keep running interference for her, she never will be allowed to do that. She has to see what drug addiction COSTS her. I have to stop protecting her from that.
Hugs to you.
Laura
Dwell in Possibility.

asnow96
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by asnow96 » Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:18 pm

Wow Laura, that was deep especially when you said " I know you are an adult and you get to choose how you want to live, but I get to live my life too and I cant live with active addiction in my world". I've never looked at it that way and I will use that in my everyday life no matter what the issue is.

Thank you so much for that!

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vscook
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Re: Where Do You Draw The Line?

Post by vscook » Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:37 pm

No one can tell you where your line is. My husband was an alcoholic. We separated after 19 years of marriage, but never divorced. I left because I could not watch him drink himself to death. There were times after we separated that he stayed in my home after a hospital stay, but when he was well enough to care for himself he went back to his own place. He passed away four years ago.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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