I'll Take Obnoxious Cody Friends for $500, Bob...

[carpediem]

Holy COW.

I just dug this up for some strange reason -- I wrote about this friend a few weeks back. Reading this reminded me of how much more strange and codependent things used to be. I forgot how much I was a human "doing," not a human "being" around her. Yowch. Very interesting....anyway, here goes....


So, in the pantheon of Cody issues I face, this is fairly minor, BUT I was amused so I thought I'd share.This female friend of mine, with whom I am recovering from rescuing constantly, has checked in with me today - by text, and by answering machine at a time when I'm rarely home - to see what's amiss with me. Amiss? I asked.

Yes. Apparently, she said, she senses a "disturbance in the force (mine); I seem "less animated than usual in person and on the phone."

I think that may mean that I seem more calm, not asking after her well-being constantly, and much less interested in managing her kids (one of whom is without questions one of the most feral children I have ever met), listening to her complain about her life and all the people she's trying (UNSUCCESSFULLY) to control. In short, I am not caretaking or rescuing and she wants me to get right back to it.

After the texts went back and forth, I said this would really be a conversation better had in actual conversation than by text.
So she promptly disappeared. My little hula hoop that I visualize around my feet for just such occasions has come in so handy today. I love my hula hoop. I do, I do, I really do.

x,
K

[sereniity3]

I see the humor, too, and your post made me laugh. I read it 2 or 3 times, because it's so well written and kind of a break in the routine.

Mixed with sadness for whatever her root problem is.

Love,
Kim

[carpediem]

Well, I"m glad it made you laugh, Kim - that was my intention - because the situation I described draws such clear attention to the complete ignorance I've had for so long about my own behavior. Man, I felt GUILTY when she sent that text!

It is sad, too. What's sadder is that she never called. The realization's hitting that I may actually lose a few friends to this process.

K

[jeanette]

Kristin -

Recovery teaches us who our real friends are!!!

My rule -

if we text more than two times each - someone better be making a phone call - that is a conversation!!

[carpediem]

Great rule on texts, Jeannette. I can't stand texting - it's a stand-in for all sorts of stuff that should be said. I like it only for quick questions like "can you pick up milk on the way home?"

BTW, my "friend" called me yesterday with a couple more requests for "help" veiled thinly as a social call. I can't believe how completely taken in I've been by her - I really am amazed by my own ignorance. In one 10-minute call there were two veiled requests for childcare, one borrowing of a sewing machine and a brief rant about her husband's lack of communication. And it all started with a "how are you feeling?" that was immediately met with a lengthy diatribe about how she was feeling. I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

OY VEY! I got off the phone quickly. What an energy vampire!
k

[sereniity3]

so, must we... forever LOSE anyone who vamps our precious life energy.

Some things are easier said than done. One of my beloved ALO's is an 'energy vamp'. She comes by it honestly and has a clue because she 'gets' the hints and 'messages' but hasn't made much progress beyond 'it's all about me' - some progress, but ... . I don't want to 'lose' her, except for brief periods of time that I need a break to re-energize.

So, without a lot of specifics, any experiences anyone cares to relate - when the 'energy vamp' is a beloved loved one, would be most appreciated.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Or would I need to be more specific, or maybe ...

Love,
Kim

[carpediem]

quote] I don't want to 'lose' her, except for brief periods of time that I need a break to re-energize.

Actually, Kim, I realize I do have some experience with this. My mom is totally codependent on my dad, and she's an energy suck like you would not believe - she complains about him every time I see him, and she's been trying to control him now for 48 years, so I guess that's not working, huh? Anyway, I have learned through experience not to get involved in their drama and to minimize my exposure to them both when they are feuding.

Also I've learned to limit their feuding in my home, which has happened a lot over the years. They bicker during family parties and after one particularly stressful occasion (they pulled this in front of friends and my inlaws) I told them that it wasn't fair for them to ruin our holidays with their drama and that if they wanted to fight they should stay home and do it! They both got pretty offended but I held my ground and they stayed away for awhile. Eventually when they decided to come over, they cooled it with the fighting bigtime.I had to be pretty clear about what I would and wouldn't tolerate and the boundary was my front door. Mom's gotten pretty verbally abusive at times, too, so that has come to a stop because of similar measures I took.

It's all about the boundaries and the blessed, blessed hula hoop, as Roberta points out!
k

[carpediem]

When I knew that rehab (a long one) was inevitable... I brought my imaginary but oh so real to me hula hoop and then also created a nice boundary that began with me and ended at the edges all around my hosp bed.

Right quick like I could tell the control freaks from the truly *there for me* staff. What an eye opener!!!

Thanks for the kudos, Roberta, and glad your program helped in rehab - hope you feel better physically too!

I figured out something else about this friend. While she's in "crisis," which is how she describes her recent set of circumstances, she tends not to have time for actual socializing with me, but veers straight toward the most cody friends she has. I guess they are willing to listen to the drama and help her deal with her chaos by doing her work for her and taking care of her kids. In addition to her therapist, babysitter, after-school childcare, nutritionist, and diet program doc, she now has a home organizer coming in to help her deal with her disorganization at home. She's getting more helpless with every single day and it's really just amazing how many people stand ready to take over. I glad I am learnng not to be one of them!

K

[carpediem]

Bumping this up...two years later, I am still dealing with this codie friend, but am amazed by how much my story has changed.

[tavalon]

Oh, my, I just realized that my mother in law is coming in a month! I love her to death (in small doses) but I wonder what she's going to think of the new Terri. She never asks for anything straight up and being a great codependent, I always just read her mind and happily went along until she left a week later. I do hope we're still going to get along. Hope, not worry. My other partner is looking for somewhere to stay while she's here, because he can't stand her. My husband just tunes her out. I have always kind of felt sorry for her that he did that, but I guess a lifetime, instead of a week, is harder, eh? And my husband has a new girlfriend he's looking forward to introducing to her. I wonder how they'll get along. Wonder not, worry.

Nope, now that I've thought about it, this is going to be a hoot. And heck, it's only 9 days. I just wish Melissa Etheridge was going to be here while she was here. She and I went to one of her concerts in Austin and it's one of my favorite memories with her.

[Lyra]

I was the codie friend. I definitely have gone around spilling my drama all over my very patient circle of friends. Not asking for help but dumping on them about how I was feeling and it was the same story over and over and over. Always some relationship drama. I can say that since I came back from Easter break I have been doing a pretty damn good job of NOT going on and on about my ALO and any problematic interactions with him to my friends. They dont need to hear it. I dont need to hear it. I need to let it go, set boundaries so things dont happen again or so I can protect myself from the impact if they do. Take action, not just whine and complain.

At the same time as being the codie friend I have also always been the friend that people call when they have problems. Now when I was in my very early 20s I had no idea how to manage this. It got to the point where I felt like I was the shoulder to cry on for everyone but I had no shoulder to cry on myself. It reached a crisis point where I felt used by some of my good friends. So I changed things and stopped being so available and started askng for more in return. Fortunately for me they responded positively. We are still good friends 10 years later, and we have all matured immensely over that period of time. Most of us (except for me of course-but NarAnon is now helping with that) have much less drama in our lives. We are moving forward. And we are still friends. I really appreciate that. I dont have any codie friends now. We have grown up and are there for each other in healthier ways.

I think I am getting better at not being the codie friend anymore. I really tested one of my good friend's patience for a while when I was dealing with the disastrous open relationship with my (now ex) RAH and my current ALO. I would literally chat to him online for as long as he would let me about both of these guys always the same drama. The poor guy. I have stopped doing that completely now thank goodness. This program has helped me a lot in cutting down on the "verbal diarrhea" problem. If I have a problem, I have my HP, this program and my own smarts to help figure out what I can or cant do about it. Blabbing on and on and whining and complaining to friends doesnt get me anywhere. I feel better now that I dont do it-it helps me let go and move forward more easily now.