I Loved My Daughter to Death

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Ailema » Mon Sep 28, 2015 10:30 pm

Thank you for sharing Dave, and all others that have posted a reply. I have tried to be strong the last 2 relapses my son has had. I have allowed him to face the consequences of his choices. I have been there for him when he has tried rehab, and comes out resolved, finds a job, finds a room in an Oxford House, but after a while, he has gotten back to using drugs. It is exhausting! It is scary having to let him face the homelessness, loneliness, and lacks of being in the streets. Right now he is in one of those episodes and I was feeling devastated, until I read your postings. You have given me renewed strenght to continue. Thanks for sharing!

River Rock
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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by River Rock » Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:27 am

I hope you keep sharing this msg forever.
Soooo many , I'd say most, are guilty of
This kind of love, the kind we grow up
With, nurturing, but with addicts its so
Different, this love doesn't work, its
Enabling. I too always say if I made it
Cozy and comfy , what reason do they
Have to stop?I hope time is helping
You and Barb to heal in some sort of
Way, and your bright diamond shines
On with the msg you share.
River rock

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Jellybean1955 » Mon Feb 29, 2016 1:10 am

Dave, I have repeatedly read your post. It is truly a powerful, realistic post from a Father who loved his Daughter with all his heart. I know that so many people relate to your words, even thou they may not have lost a child. I know that it has been a few years and I hope and pray that you have found some peace and happiness in your life.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by halfgravity » Thu May 12, 2016 12:33 am

Thank you so much for your post, Dave. It was exactly what I needed to read tonight. My brother is a heroin addict and we as a family have been very guilty of enabling him in many ways, particularly my parents. So I sent your post to my parents just now and told them that we have to band together and stop enabling him right now. I hope your wise, powerful words will help get through to them. We are all terrified and love him so much, but as you say, that love could kill him in the end. Thank you again. I hope that you are as well as you can be.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Chris210 » Thu May 12, 2016 4:56 am

I'm sorry, Dave, for your loss and thanks for posting this. My brother was a heroin, meth and alcohol addict for many years and our father was his primary enabler. They lived together, the 2 of them, and my Dad did everything he thought possible to help my brother. Except, of course, those things don't help. He'll never see it, though. Today and forever, he'll see me as "not family oriented" - from his perspective, I turned my back on family. Ultimately, we both did what we thought was the right thing to do. Ultimately, it made no difference. I think it's amazing that you have the perspective to examine your role in your daughter's illness and even consider if what you did was the best or not. You did what you felt was the right thing which is all any of us can really do. I never heard the 4 c's until today but I think they are the truth.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by bowballie » Fri May 13, 2016 4:24 pm

This is my first post..

First of all, thank you Dave. Thank you for sharing your pain in order to help others. I'm so extremely sorry for your loss.

I feel like with everything that I read about how to treat an addict, there are conflicting messages. I'm hoping someone can shed light on this for me.

On the one hand, there is the mindset that is reflected in this thread - tough love, don't enable. Don't protect the addict from the consequences of their actions.

So what does tough love actually look like? And is it actually productive, or does it further isolate the addict become a factor in them going into a darker place? If we try tough love and we end up losing them, will we then regret the tough love and wish we had tried a different way?

I also read things that say not to make the addict feel guilty, don't try and make them feel worse (I guess by getting angry, etc.) because that can make them want to use more. So that seems somewhat at odds with the other mindset.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. I am tired and confused and sad and I really don't know the best way to help my addict partner. :(

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Aguamom » Mon May 30, 2016 4:28 pm

Thanks Dave,

After two years of unremitting, disabling and increasing addiction, I sent my son away. He'd been in so many rehabs and IOPs. It was clear to everyone that it had to be done. His dad can't get over his feelings that his son is supposed to be here with us, but I have known for some time that it would only result in his demise..that he would become a statistic.

But I am sad too and I miss him dearly. I guess now that he is safe, the feeling of loss from having ripped apart those bonds is beginning to overwhelm me. I can't confide in my husband because perhaps like you, he would rather his son be here with us, than to make the sacrifices necessary for a chance of an education and a life for him.

I'm grateful to have been able to do this for him..I know many don't have the resources to do it. But I know that I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't try my hardest to save him.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Heartbroken » Thu Jun 30, 2016 7:54 pm

This is a very powerful message I'm just hearing for the first time, I feel like your talking directly to me. It's a real eye opener and certainly very descriptive of my situation. Thank you so much for sharing your pain and heartbreak to help others.

My heart goes out to you, God Bless
What you can do or think you can do, begin it, for boldness has Magic Power and Genius in it !

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by cmusick » Thu Apr 13, 2017 10:13 am

Such bravery in telling your story of enabling. It is a story that needs to be told, as so often we enable our addicted loved ones. My Daughter is gone also, and I can look back and see what we could and should have done differently.
Thank you for being so open and honest.
I understand your pain and regrets, and now, we march forward to save others in similar circumstances by telling our stories.
Blessings to you and yours,

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by ktoews » Sat May 13, 2017 11:10 am

Dear Dave,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter -you didn't love her to death, drugs stole her away from you. There are people on this site that detached in a very significant way with their addicted loves ones and they still lost them to this disease. Some addicts who have recovered say that they appreciated that their loved ones allowed them to reach bottom, and others say that that they appreciate that they loved ones always were there for them, so there are many different sides to the coin of both recovery and the most saddening complete demise of our loved ones. I honestly don't believe we have that much control over our loved ones - to both ends and all along the way- recovery, or to death.

You loved her, you still do. How you showed that love when she was alive had nothing to do with her death - the drugs took her. The life of addiction is an awful one, I believe in the afterlife - she is at peace now. Again, I am so very sorry.....

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