I Loved My Daughter to Death

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by CIN1452 » Mon May 28, 2012 8:50 pm

I'm so sorry to hear about "loving your daughter to death". I had posted earlier that I had heard this statement here on this forum but couldn't remember by who. Now I know. I know this is sad to say and it might even seem selfish and inconsiderate, but this recent post is a real eye opener for me. I believe after my most recent experience with my AS, that being his 3 day stint in a rehab, and 2 days prior to that an emergency room visit due to the severity of withdrawal, I have come to terms that as his mother I have to practice this thing they call tough love and turn away. He was told in the ER if he hadn't come in, he would have ended up dead as his blood pressure was steadily dropping. Hell, 3 years ago he actually did die and was brought back in the ER. Back then I didn't know the severity of his drug abuse. It was early in the game and all his excuses made absolute perfect sense, that was then, now not so much. I'm getting smarter about this evil disease. What amazes me the most, is having near death experiences just isn't enough to wake them up to the reality of what they are doing to their bodies. I told my son this last time that he may not be given a 3rd chance. The next time he made be taken. I wish he would land in jail, at least he'd be safe from himself and others who are innocent. This is the 3rd generation on his paternal side to fall victim to this evil disease. There may have been more previous, and if so, I'm not aware of it. All I know is being a mother of an addict is heart-wrenching.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by kpearl » Sun Jun 03, 2012 4:11 pm

Dear Dave....I did get out of my son's way and he did get sober...7 years now
HOWEVER, my 22 year old nephew did not. He was working on his 90/90 and relapsed for the last time. I am heartbroken. No one was in his way. Why him..why not my son..why your daughter??
These are the things that comfort me......
His purpose on earth had been served.
God knows which ones can not handle the struggle.
He was never mine to begin with. God wil take them in his time, not mine.
There is hope for me. I can move forward. Dave, my brother and my famiy will never be the same. Life is about change.
Mine is not to ask Why? but to ask Which way? from here.
I will forever relate to those who have lost their loved ones in a way I never did before. Was that a gift to me? Did I learn anything from his death? Can I give back even more now?
You certainly did. But the cost Dave, the damn cost. All my Love Katie

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Marianne » Fri Jul 06, 2012 8:05 pm

Dear Dave,

Sorry for your loss. In reading your post it reaffirms to me the decisions I made recently with regards to my AS. I made a decision about a month ago that I would not enable him anymore. I don't know if it will help him. What I do know is that I have to start fixing me now from his addiction because it has made me crazy.

Thank you for posting.
"Acceptance of what is does not mean liking it as it is." ~ Iyanla Van Zant

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by EMPTY » Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:36 pm

Dear Dave,

Please know that your post of several months ago has given me the strength to continue to detach from my 33 yrs old AS. It has been the hardest of times for me; being the enabler I have been for decades. I now realize that all I have done for him just progressed his addiction. I believe he is now homeless...this breaks my heart every second of the day. I am so worried about him but I know if I continue (my madness) my enabling, it will be only worse for him.

My prayers are with you and your wife and today you have helped "us" with your post.

Love and many Hugs,


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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by annaw » Thu Dec 20, 2012 2:02 am

Dave- thank you for this post and all that you have posted. Your post is so true for me. My son turned 19 on Monday and I too am loving him to death. I asked him to leave the house just yesterday and it was horribly painful. I am so afraid for him, but I know I can't keep enabling him at home either. I love him so much, but he doesn't love himself. I don't want to lose him to death, but I've already lost the son he used to be.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by nayr333 » Fri Dec 21, 2012 1:19 pm

I too want to thank you for sharing.. this post was one of the first ones I read when I came to this forum on my knees. I printed it out. It gave me courage to make some tough decisions back in the fall. These decisions may have saved my sons life.
that I will never know but what I do know is because of your post and the things I began to do differently because of your courage to share .. I have peace within myself that I have done all I can do and now it is up to him.

I am grateful for you .
Nothing changes if nothing changes, Let it begin with me.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by he@rtbr0ken » Sat Jan 05, 2013 4:23 am

Dear Dave,
I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's death. It is my greatest fear for my AS. For such, I am greatly pained. I am grateful for your introspection. I related to much of what you said. It has taught me much. I haven't attended my first meeting yet-having only found out just before midnight last night where to go. However, I want to thank you-for myself, not so much as learning a lesson as such-but OPENING MY EYES TO WHAT I AM DOING. I pray.
I hope this reaches your heart the way it is intended...your heartbreaking post has saved a life. Or maybe two lives, mine and his. Either way.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Thoughtsoutloud » Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:04 pm

In reading your post I felt as if my Mother could have been the one writing it. My sister died February 21 2013 from a heroin overdose. I also want to thank you for making a point about guilt vs. regrets. I have been using the term guilt since she died in reference to some of my feelings. Regrets are exactly what I have, not guilt and realizing that some how makes me feel less crippled to accept the true reality of the choices that my sister made. I am so sorry for your loss and all that have lost before you and after.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by lukesmom92 » Fri Mar 08, 2013 3:27 pm

Your post is very touching and I can feel not only your pain, but your wisdom. I know that you loved her very much. It shines through your very beautiful written words. I have enabled also, but that stopped on February 14th when I packed all of my 20 year old son's belongings and made him leave. I had given him three months warning.

I will continue to pray for you. You have an important story, please continue to share it.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by mrsyoung1127 » Mon May 13, 2013 6:48 pm

Thank you so much for sharing. You have helped me immensely . I had been loving my son to death also, I asked him to get help, he said no, multiple times so he had to get out because I have another son and a husband that need to be safe. I don't know if it's doing any good, and my heart left with him. The quilt of not keeping him safe is debilitating but I keep going on. Thank you again for sharing! I am so sorry for the death of your daughter.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by goats » Thu May 23, 2013 1:26 am

Dave, My deepest condolence to you and your wife. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story and your wise words. My hands shake as I try to type this because your reality is my greatest fear for my own daughter. She is 20 years old and homeless (by her choice.) She left our home the day she turned 18--wanting to be free from her parents and make all her own choices. We never forced her out, she fled. I wanted and want to hold on to her, but she turns me away and it is so painful. She supports herself and her habits by selling her body. She is using heroin and methamphetamines, alcohol and marijuana. There have been five overdoses in our small community in the past two weeks. Every time the phone rings I feel a sense of panic.

I could talk more about my pain but I won't. What I want to say, if I can find the right words, is. I'm sorry, I cannot find the right words right now. I'm trying. I'll try again later.

Just thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing your story.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Jayelle » Sat Dec 20, 2014 3:55 pm

This post is years old, just came across it by chance and so thankful that I did. Thank you Dave for the most strengthening post I've ever read.

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Lyndi » Thu Jan 15, 2015 11:23 am

Yes, we do play a part. Thank you for putting the words together so well in your last paragraph. I wish they could be shared with the world. thank you and may you know peace and the loving Light of the Universe,

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by Cheryldel » Thu Jan 15, 2015 12:10 pm

Thank you,
What a beautiful honest post..still dealing with my AS. Your post helped me see the big picture..cut thru the crap..no matter the outcome. We all have tried to love them thru this..I have a better understanding of detatched w love now.
Again thank you for sharing of the hardest thing ever.
Xo cheryl

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Re: I Loved My Daughter to Death

Post by lynn2015 » Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:54 pm

So profound and enlightening, I physically felt a change occur in my head while reading this. While it's the last thing anyone wants to hear, it's probably among the most important things we need to hear. TYFS.

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