Suffering No More

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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Suffering No More

Post by lumina » Mon Sep 18, 2017 7:37 am

My beautiful son made the courageous decision to stop dialysis 8/15 and passed away 8/30. During his short illness of chronic kidney disease (ckd) not caused by drug use, he relapsed after 10 years clean. He was prescribed medication and could not cope treating his ckd...he said mom I'm existing not living tethered to a machine, taking 20+ medications all with their own side effects. For a year and a half I did all I could and some to convince him his life was valuable and he needed to live. He did the best he could to accept & comply with ckd treatment. He hated that he was addicted once more and withdrew many times on his own suffering from withdrawl & ckd. On 8/17 he told me he was done with a clear head. He had thought through his decision and I could not argue any thing he said. He had some denial saying maybe I'll beat the odds, but clearly knew he could/would die without dialysis. He also said he was not going to let addiction take him out and lose his mom from addiction. So for 2 weeks I visited him 2-3 times a day..we talked about living, going on trips. I tried getting him to resume treatment, but he became more defiant defending his decision. I did not want to let go, but knowing he would die (although I did think maybe just maybe he would beat the odds (fantasy), but then I knew he would die (reality). I did not want to spend our last days fighting about his decision. I was forced to let go..the night before he died I cried, pleaded, yelled begging him to go to the hospital. I told him I was scared, he said he was scared. He said he wanted to be alone. He said it was the worse year and a half of his life and he worked too hard for 2 weeks to go back (dialysis). I told him he was not alone..begged for him to come to our house, let me stay with him. He yelled at me to leave, said he knew I was always there. I kissed him on the head and told him I loved him. I left paralyzed with fear. The next day I found my precious 29 yo son breathing, semi-conscious on his BR floor. He was put on life support in ER. The toxins in his body were shutting his organs down. Once more I did not want to let go, but an angel (ICU MD) spoke for my son and helped my husband & I honor his unbelievably courageous choice to let go. We held him, kissed him, and told him how much we love him as he took his last breaths. I am still in shock. I miss him beyond words every waking moment. I am in awe of his courage. He wanted to make me proud by being sober in the end. I am soooo proud of him. This forum, my home group got me through many dark moments. My Nar-Anon family is with me during our loss and I am so grateful.

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by DianeB » Mon Sep 18, 2017 8:37 am

Sorry for your loss are words that just do not cut it. I am in a moment of heartbreak. My heart hurts for you and your incredible son.

I wish for your peace with your dear sons decision. Having the courage to live our own truth is beyond difficult. I pray for healing for you and your family.

Look to the gift of memories of your son and his core essence. Addiction causes damage to everyone in its wake, but those core essences of love, kindness, compassion, and courage are still there and i see that in your words of your dear son

May your HP hold you tight in warm healing peace and may your beautiful son be always in your heart.

I understand. My son has expressed the same thoughts. So very sad. My heart is with you.

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by MATT'S MOM » Mon Sep 18, 2017 8:40 am

Prayers for peace for you and your family. So very glad that you were able to be with him and were able to have the memory of his courage. So glad you will have the memory of being proud of him. Praying for comfort for you in knowing that he is a peace.

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by DeanW » Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:15 am

I'm in tears reading this. God bless you and your beautiful son. Hugs....

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by roadrunner » Mon Sep 18, 2017 2:01 pm

I am so sorry for your loss - you are so strong. i can't imagine the pain you are in but also the feeling of pride you must be feeling. Your son was so courageous. May God hold you and your family in His arms. Hugs, Paula

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by vscook » Mon Sep 18, 2017 2:31 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your son was so brave to stand by his conviction to remain sober. He is at peace now. Hugs & prayers.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by jeanette » Mon Sep 18, 2017 4:23 pm

I am sorry for your loss. Your son sounds like a wonderful man who loved life. He made a difficult decision, but he made it. May you always have memories of happy times, smiles, and love.
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by slm219 » Mon Sep 18, 2017 6:03 pm

Tears......I am so sorry for your he is not suffering any more and showed much courage, as did you.
Holding you close, prayers for you and your family.
We are here for you....
Even a small star shines in the darkness.

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by 4me » Mon Sep 18, 2017 7:14 pm

My tears don't flow often, they are streaming.
I am so sorry for your loss but glad you said I love you's.
My prayers are with you and your family.


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Re: Suffering No More

Post by flash » Mon Sep 18, 2017 9:49 pm

Sending prayers.

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by belkar1 » Tue Sep 19, 2017 4:25 pm

Holding you very close to my heart. Know you are not alone, and neither is your dear son. He is now in the light of pure love.

Love is the only thing that lasts.


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Re: Suffering No More

Post by Ma1954 » Sat Sep 30, 2017 11:33 am

I am so sorry for you. I pray God sends you peace and healing. Big Hug for you, Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by Marianne » Sat Sep 30, 2017 10:00 pm

Sorry for the loss of your precious Son. Your share brought me to tears.

Praying for you and your family during this extremely difficult time.
"Acceptance of what is does not mean liking it as it is." ~ Iyanla Van Zant

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by hope1 » Sat Sep 30, 2017 10:42 pm

My heartfelt sympathy to your family. There is no greater love then the love of a parent to a child. Your son was very very brave and courageous as were you. I pray that you will eventually get some peace about his decision. I am truly sorry for your heartbreak.

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Re: Suffering No More

Post by heretostay » Thu Oct 05, 2017 2:24 pm

Love and (((hugs))) coming your way. What courage your son had. My prayers are with you.
"Virtue is measured by struggles not by prizes" Anonymous

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