Please just tell me the truth#

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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AntB
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Please just tell me the truth#

Post by AntB » Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:19 am

My great nephew died of an overdose 3 months ago.he was 34. He had an abusive drug filled childhood and spent lots of time in juvenile, jail and prison. He came to live with us 6 yrs. ago, after jail. We thought he just needed a fresh start, love and support. We were so very wrong. We had no idea he was still using drugs. Well, after several attempts at rehabs, methadone clinics, vivatrol, jail, prison, we finally got him in a six month rehab. He loved it there and seemed to us and the councelors that he was determined and ready to change everything. He came home for the weekend, after graduating, to go to his P.O on Monday and then to a halfway house near the rehab, with other recent graduates. 30 hours later he said he was walking around the block. He had called an old friend and she drove 2 hrs. to meet him. He was missing for 3 days and he overdosed and died back at home 9 days after graduating.I can't quit crying. I had such high hopes, I was so confident this time I just want the honest truth, please. During those six years, he convinced me that he could tamer off, he convinced me that if he smoked pot, then he could leave heroin alone. He convinced me that people were going to come to our house and hurt us if he didn't pay his bill. Yep, I fell for it. I feel so stupid and guilty now. I found out that he was still lying about contacting old friends, owing dealers and he was breaking some rules even while he was in rehab. I know he wanted to change his life, but I guess it was not enough. Am I to blame for his death because I did help him in the wrong way sometimes? My family and friends say it had to be up to him and that he manipulated me. But I feel so guilty for failing him. Please, can you help me deal with this. One day I'm sad, one day I'm mad, at me, at him, at his abusive father and his drug sharing morher and his brother who lied for him when I didn't know he was using. I'm a mess. Thanks for listening.

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jeanette
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Re: Please just tell me the truth#

Post by jeanette » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:15 am

Welcome to nar-anon -

You are not to blame for his death - you obviously loved him. You did the best you could with knowledge you had at the time.

The addiction will do whatever it needs to survive. Lie, steal, manipulate, hurt - the addiction doesn't care about the impact or the consequences.

Many of us here have done all that you did, and we also hurt because we have lost loved ones - there is no magic fix that makes addiction go away, no matter how much everyone wants to think there it.

And losing a loved one to addiction, and then actually having them leave this life due to OD, complications, etc - that is another loss.

We are here - pour your heart out. We will listen and share our stories.

There have been times that I feel sad, angry, distressed, rage - and yet I still feel love. Emotions are hard - and there is no timetable to healing.
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love
Jeanette

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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flash
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Re: Please just tell me the truth#

Post by flash » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:49 am

The best we can do is be kind to ourselves because when it comes down to it none of us have the answers.
None of us are perfect. We all do the best we could on any given day.
I know of addicts that died in the loving homes of their families that were trying to love them out of their addiction and I know of addicts that died on the streets because their families let them go out of love.
If there were simple answers then the rate of od's would not be climbing every day.
So the truth is there was no way of preventing what is and what will be.
Please forgive yourself and be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else that told you of this sad, sad story.
So sorry for your loss.
Love, Donna

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vscook
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Re: Please just tell me the truth#

Post by vscook » Wed Aug 09, 2017 9:06 am

You are not to blame for your nephew's death. Addiction is such a horrible disease - it is always there, even after multiple rehab treatments - and unfortunately our addicted loved ones can slip back at any time. Be kind to yourself. You did the best you could under the circumstances.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

AntB
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Re: Please just tell me the truth#

Post by AntB » Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:19 am

Thank you for replying. It is so nice to have my day begin with your caring replies. I do love my nephew so much. Will this drug problem ever get better? I live in Montgomery County, Ohio. It is the worst in the US for drugs.

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4me
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Re: Please just tell me the truth#

Post by 4me » Wed Aug 09, 2017 2:14 pm

I am so sorry for you and yours loss.

Oh my goodness no, don't take on the guilt.
You did the best you know how, he knew he was loved.

Our Serenity Prayer and 3C's can help a bit with the emotions you are feeling but closing your wounds is a different journey that you must work through in your own good time.

3C's
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.

Those 3C's helped me a lot with my guilt over my son using and me being unable to stop it.

Keep Coming Back. You are no longer alone in this my friend.

Hugs,

DAnn
4me

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Angelikoula
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Re: Please just tell me the truth#

Post by Angelikoula » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:48 pm

It's not your fault.

AntB
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Re: Please just tell me the truth#

Post by AntB » Wed Aug 09, 2017 9:38 pm

If it is not my fault, is it his fault, is it his abusive father's fault, his drug using mothers fault?? Is it somebody's fault???

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janiemarie
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Re: Please just tell me the truth#

Post by janiemarie » Sun Aug 13, 2017 11:44 am

It is not your fault. It is not his fault nor anyone else's fault.
It is the fault of the circumstances and consequences of this horrendous disease of addiction.
and it really really sucks.
It is a powerful progressive terminal disease that if not arrested can be fatal
The disease teaches those it consumes to be master manipulators at getting what it needs to feed itself.
At the cost of everything and anything that was once held dear by the person it consumes.

It is not within my power to control Any of this.
It is within my HPs plan
And I believe we are not capable or meant to understand this plan
and for my own peace and serenity I accept this
and turn my focus to those things I am able to control...
myself.

My deepest sympathies for your loss.

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