I'm hurt

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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I'm hurt

Post by vecho22 » Mon Jul 10, 2017 9:40 pm

Rob is adventurous, rebellious, intellectual but not in ways he should be proud of. Rob had masted manipulation and more importantly mastered deception. Rob is an addict. When I first met Rob I was consumed by his fun loving spirit, his thirst for adventure and his ability to make me feel included. We shared his passions and I grew to love him. I grew to love an addict.

I never thought i'd be in this position or seeking support on an online form but today I feel completely broken. I am blamed for Rob's addiction. Rob's family claims I caused him to abuse. It hurts me knowing that despite the good i've done it has always gone ignored. Rob claims he cannot feel, Rob claims he does not care, and, Rob's actions prove so. Rob lives with his parents, and in a year and a half his father has never said a word to me, his mother used to messaged me daily asking Rob's whereabouts. I spent a year trying to get Rob sober. I got Rob a psychiatrist who he manipulated into prescribing him 4x the amount of xanax he was purchasing off the street. It took a year for Rob to make the decision to get off the pills and he did but has replaced that habit with cocaine. Rob never appreciated my help and he never will, Rob has left me hundreds of times with no sense of remorse or guilt.

In January Rob tried to overdose. He posted a suicide letter on instagram with a photo I had taken of his cat, most people who read it thought his goodbye was a good bye to his graffiti not a goodbye to everyone. His suicide note was cryptic which didn't surprise me. I called his mother and she did not believe me when I begged her to check on him. She told me he is "feeling numb" and asleep upstairs. I insisted she check on him but she didn't. When I got to his house the paramedics had already taken him away. When his father got home instead of going to the hospital he sat down at the kitchen table and ate dinner. I was told I was not allowed to go see him so I went home. A few hours passed and Rob called me asking me to visit as his parents had yet to arrive, he laughed at being hospitalized. He didn't think this was a serious matter.

Two weeks later Rob had called me crying hysterically, he told me he was going to hang himself and had the noose set up over his banister. I drive over while speaking to Rob on the phone the entire time. I told Rob to unlock his door for me and I would be over shortly. When I arrived I saw the noose, I took a photo sent it to his mom who was in Mexico and his dad who was at work. I found Rob in his basement playing video games. Rob said he was fine asked if I wanted to go meet a mutual friend and to not talk about what happened. Rob removed the noose and I followed him till his dad replied to me 6 hours later. He asked why I was in his house to begin with nothing more and nothing less. That evening I called Rob's psychiatrist to tell her what had happened. The following day I received a text message from Rob's father telling me that speaking to a professional was not appropriate. Rob's father's approach was to pretend things did not happen and move on and that's what Rob did.

Rob and I have had a very rocket relationship. We don't see eye to eye because I want to see Rob succeed and Rob rather get high. Rob claims that he cannot enjoy things without drugs. Rob says we don't have anything in common because I don't paint graffiti and I don't do drugs like he does. For awhile Rob was sober, I convinced him to sign up to the gym which he goes to every day, he started working part time most evenings which kept him busy. The friends he knew who abused drugs were now in jail or too far gone to be contacted and the ones who he painted with only saw him to paint. Rob was with me almost everyday for a year and a half, when we broke up because Rob didn't want a girlfriend we still saw each other and talked.

For a few weeks things looked really good for Rob, he was more engaging and seemed to enjoy life again. He made plans for once and followed through more then he ever had. He started to see clearly. 4 weeks ago he had a conversation with co-workers about cocaine, cocaine isn't a new drug for Rob but that conversation alone was enough to encourage him to buy some. 3 weeks ago I confronted him while he was at the gym for ignoring me and abusing again. He called security on me. That evening out of anger I told Rob that I would be notifying his dad of everything that has been going on including the secrets he shares with his mom. He woke his mom up at 5 am to tell her my plan so she could stop me. We did not speak for 10 days following that ordeal.

Yesterday I reached out, I asked to meet in person to discuss what had happened and the break up. After all, Rob is still someone I care tremendously for. Rob called me crazy said he would never meet up with someone who tried to ruin his life but I could see his social media and I could see the cocaine he was using and the captions he added that asked the public "why do i do this on my own..." Rob was doing cocaine by himself and still claimed to be sober. After the attempt to speak to him failed I did the last thing I could, I reached out to his father. I asked him to help Rob because every time I sought help from his mom it was overlooked. I did not get a response, instead Rob called me and threatened to file a restraining order against me for contacting his parents. Rob then proceeded to post on social media that "there are always second changes but not for bat @%&* crazy b*tches who can f*ck right off" I am now the crazy ex girlfriend. The stalker, the one who tried to ruin his life.

I don't know what will happen to Rob, I don't know how Rob's family will deal with him and I guess I don't have a right to know. What I do know is that I am hurt. I gave everything I could to Rob more then what I think his parents did and at the end of the day I was the villain. I miss Rob, I miss the future I wanted with Rob and strangely enough after taking care of Rob for this long, I feel like i've lost more then a boyfriend or best-friend, I almost feel as though I lost a child. I feel like I failed but maybe what I actually feel is disappointment for not being able to do more. I know I did the best I could and I know that Rob and his family were not ready to accept my help or see it as anything other then ruining his life.

I know I will not hear from Rob again. I know Rob will carry on as if I did not exist and I know one day I will look back and these feelings and memories will no longer hurt me. I wrote a poem for Rob. He will never see it but I would like to share it here:

To the ex who calls me crazy,

Yes, I was crazy, but not in a mentally deranged kind of way. I was crazy in an “I care too much” kind of way.
I was crazy enough to allow you to treat me poorly,
I was crazy for expecting you to treat me with any kind of respect,
I was crazy enough to sit beside your lifeless body for a year hoping that one day you’d change.
I was crazy for believing your family and friends would have my side,
I was crazy for believing that they would support me while I gave everything to support you.
Do you remember how you wanted to quit school with one course left? I finished that for you so you could graduate.
Do you remember all the times you needed something and I did my best to provide it but when it came to my Birthday or Christmas I didn’t even get a card?
Do you remember all the times I asked you to care, to say good morning, to call and let me know you were not just okay, but alive?
Do you remember how I was the only friend left when everyone you knew walked away?
Do you recall how crazy I was to ask you to think about your future?
Do you recall how crazy I was to demand that you do better?
Do you remember all the promises you made and how crazy I was to believe them?
I do, and I was crazy for expecting to be cared for like I cared for you.
I am crazy for giving everything to someone who didn’t appreciate my kind of crazy but that is okay because while you didn’t appreciate my craziness, there are thousands of people who do.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to part of my story.
Name has been changed for "Rob's" privacy

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Re: I'm hurt

Post by KBev » Mon Jul 10, 2017 10:30 pm

It is really really hard loving an addict. We become crazy with our addiction to the addict. Detachmentis the hardest thing, but from what I can tell it allows the addict to be responsible and accountable. I haven't completely mastered this, but continue to work on it. Even if you aren't still seeing Rob, it might be beneficial for you to keep coming back. The Nar-Anon program is one to help those that love addicts. It will be a way for you to learn how to heal from this experience and also how to try and be with any future addicts you might find in your life. Keep reading and learning and please recognize we all do what we think is best at the time and with the knowledge and resiloirces we have available to us. Hugs to you.

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Re: I'm hurt

Post by vscook » Mon Jul 10, 2017 11:53 pm

I'm sorry for your experience. Loving someone with a substance use disorder is so hard. We turn ourselves inside out to try to help them, but they don't really want our help. They just want to use, and they will do whatever it takes to get their next fix. They don't care if it hurts you because they are so caught up in their own addiction. You need to focus on yourself to heal from what has happened and learn so it won't happen again. Keep coming back!

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: I'm hurt

Post by Daisy221 » Fri Jul 28, 2017 3:06 am

Great story ! I really liked it .

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Re: I'm hurt

Post by Shima » Mon Aug 07, 2017 5:25 am

I realize your pain and feeling
Hugs to you

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