My beautiful daughter

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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My beautiful daughter

Post by Lagayle59 » Wed Jun 14, 2017 1:25 pm

For the last time in 12 years, I have made my 48 year old daughter move out. I had promised her I would not put her out again, however she knew that promise only held true if she was not back on her drugs. When I finally faced the truth, which had plagued me for months, I decided that I could no longer live in this hell and watch her slowly kill herself.

I am saddened beyond words at the loss of my child. For over 12 years she has refused help, disappointed her beautiful and sweet daughter (my granddaughter) so very much that I do not know how my granddaughter has survived it. Only because of the prayers and love from her other family members has she made it. I know I have enabled my daughter, but now I must stop. I recently joined an al-anon group locally to help me.

The most heartbreaking part is that she is beyond intelligent. She is or was, so beautiful at one time. But in the past 12 years, she has had so many jobs I have lost count. As smart as she is and as gifted in many ways, she cannot work for long anywhere before she is let go or quits in the face of being fired. Her beauty is fading due to her terrible treatment of her body. I know she hates herself and takes her anger out on herself and on me, and as much as I love her, I cannot continue to allow it or watch her self destruct. It has taken me years to learn that I did not cause this, as she was in her 30's when she became addicted to pain meds. It has cost her everything. Her marriage, the respect of her children, friends, and family. I cannot cure her. Only she can make that choice and she thinks that her children do not know. Her daughter knows but is in denial, her son knows but is himself an addict. All the family knows but are all powerless to help her now.

I fear for her safety and her life, and cry myself to sleep, but it is time to save me now. I am almost 70 years old, and have loaned money time and again only never to be paid back. Now I have none to give which is actually a good thing. Anything I have now I will spend taking care of myself as best I can. I felt so guilty for so long, but I have finally given the guilt up. I simply could not go on seeing it and being a part of her addiction.

My love for her will never end, my prayers for her are many times daily, my beautiful, wonderful, loving, unselfish child is gone from me now and I know that until, if ever, she sees herself as she really is, she is lost to all of us forever. I cannot think of anything harder to do than for a parent to have to grieve the loss of a child who is gone from them into the dark world of addiction. Her children needed her, her family needed her, and I want her so badly to come back to us. But I cannot make it happen. I am praying for all of us who must watch as the ones we love so much lose themselves to drugs, and in the process, we lose them. Thank you for being here. I needed to vent to those who understand this heartache.

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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by simplemom » Wed Jun 14, 2017 2:16 pm

I know of the pain you speak of.

It was hard for me to say to our son, on his way to his first rehab, you cannot move back home. It was because of the concepts of this program that I was able to retrain my brain and be at peace with this decision.

There have been many other hard decisions that had to be made over the continuing years of his struggle with addiction.

The 12 steps of Al Anon and Nar Anon have given me the ability to 'let it go'. To let my son live his life and not to judge. I cannot compete with my son's love of the drug. I can only put my focus on stay in the moment....see that there is good amidst my son's addiction and not live my life in fear of his actions.

I don't live in heartache. Yes, there are days that I am profoundly sad...I am his mother and it is truly terrifying the decisions he has made.

I hope you can make a small baby step and perhaps read about this program and the 12 steps. There is much to learn under TOPICS. There is food for thought in reading the posts of others. Going to f2f meetings have lead me to new ways in which to enrich my mind and soul.

Working this program is a process. My family has had to turn their backs on my son many times. He seems to find his way back, only to succumb to that 'itch' of addiction. He knows he is loved. He has to learn his lesson. He has to want to live a life of clean and sober.

Venting is cathartic. I pray you can find your path to peace and balance. Keep coming back!

Karen (simplemom)
"I am not afraid of storms, I am learning to sail my own ship."
Louise May Alcott

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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by DeanW » Wed Jun 14, 2017 3:00 pm

I understand. Thank you for sharing. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only 70ish person on the forum. In any event, I know this is beyond difficult - especially with the grandchildren, too. God bless.

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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by Lagayle59 » Wed Jun 14, 2017 3:15 pm

Thank you so much for your responses. Just hearing from someone helps me feel less alone.

I read the books of Al-Anon daily, and have embarked on the 12 steps. I know this is long and difficult, yet not as difficult as watching my daughter self destruct.

I want to find the serenity that I need to live my own life now. It is time.

Thank you again, and all of you are in my prayers.


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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by DianeB » Wed Jun 14, 2017 5:06 pm

I understand.

I have a son who is 51. It has been a heartbreaking journey through addiction since his
early teen years.

Two marriages, two grandchildren (now adults), so many lives held hostage to the disease.
So much damage, so much emotional baggage. For all of us.

For so long I felt the mistaken responsibility that as my son, I had an obligation as his
mother to always be there to help. The financial aspect of those many years has been
horrendous to say the least. Now in our retirement years, we almost lost our house due
to the mistaken financial responsibility. Fortunately, that financial ruin was a blessing
in disguise. It was the moment of crisis that my husband and I took control of our own
lives and let my son do what he must. I sometimes say that my HP did for me what I
could not do for myself. We had no choice but to let go and take care of ourselves.
We do OK.

My beautiful son is now relatively clean and has been for about 8 years. Yet, the damage
is almost insurmountable. Relationships can be repaired, but visible cracks remain. There
are always consequences for our actions - ours and his. Some repair has been done with
his daughter, but his son is not emotionally ready. It is a consequence. Years in prison. Yet
another consequence impacting his job prospects. His health is very poor. End stage renal
failure a result of years of neglecting diabetes and years of non stop addiction. More consequences.

I struggled for years watching his addiction, now I struggle in watching his consequences.

Yet, I have learned much about life, love and faith in each beautiful day. It has been Nar-Anon
that brought helped me to dig out of the hole of enabling, mom guilt, and mistaken responsibility.

My son is an adult. His choices were his alone. I could not change him and his addiction, nor
can I change him and his consequences. I can love him. I can help him as I can afford without
damaging myself.

Addiction sucks. The consequences suck. The damage to everyone sucks. I completely understand.

Recovery for me is what brought me through it all. Keep coming back. Find a meeting. Come to the
online meetings. It is time for you to do for you.

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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by flash » Sat Jun 17, 2017 8:09 am

If only love could cure this disease, I imagine none of us would be here.
Watching addiction tear apart our loved ones is so painstaking.
What this program has taught me is that if I hold on to the craziness of addiction I get dragged down.
Sometimes I have fallen in the pit further than my son.
Learning to put myself first and focus on the steps and changing myself was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to study.
I couldn't have done it alone.
I couldn't have done it without others that understood the pain and others that I saw had gained their lives back despite the addiction of a loved ones.
I gradually learned by example.
Stick around. It basically saved my life.
Love, Donna

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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by Lagayle59 » Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:53 am

Today is really hard.

I failed miserably yesterday. I text my daughter that I needed to get my garage door opener from her and would be in town in the afternoon and asked if I could come by for it. I also told her that I would bring her mail that had come to my house to her. Her reply was angry, telling me she didn't know why I wanted my opener so badly (I had asked her for it over a week ago and she said she would mail it) but I did not get it. I want it because it goes to my garage and she is not responsible and I don't want to have to buy one. Anyway her reply was angry and I wrote her that I did not understand her being so angry with me because she was the one that threw a fit when I told her I knew she was back on her drugs.

I escalated it because I guess I am tired of having to spend money over and over for things she has made off with over the years, debts of hers left in my name(yes I signed for them) believing she was really going to pay them, etc. and yet I am so sad that she is so angry with me. I make no sense I know.

I may never learn all this stuff. My heart is broken, I am hurt and angry all at the same time. Just needed to vent I suppose.

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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by LKSG8R » Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:33 am

Actually you make perfect sense. What makes no sense is the distorted thinking that occurs with addiction. Before I found this program I didn't trust my feelings that something was not right. Nothing I did or said made sense to my ALO's and nothing they did made sense to me. Now I know not to try to follow their logic, and not to try to impose my logic on them. We are speaking different languages. I come to this forum and my f2f meetings to find people that speak mine.

Trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by Lagayle59 » Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:10 pm

Thank you Lisa! I am forever second guessing everything because I try (I think) to be reasonable, but all I get is anger. I know not to respond in kind but sometimes I just do. Then I feel so guilty, like now! I am reading my AlAnon books, trying to make peace with myself I guess. I just feel very alone right now. I am jealous also of parents who are not having to deal with this nightmare. Lord I have so far to go.

Thank you for being here. It does help to have someone that understands.

Love, Gayle

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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by 4me » Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:48 pm

If you get that door opener back great!

I never let my son have a key to the house, to a car, a garage
door opener or a chance to get into the rooms we didn't want
him in. I did this through a self installed alarm system that
Informs me via an app if anyone enters the house or even
opens anyone of the 3 garage doors or our garage side door to
the backyard. The doggie door is the only door in that I don't
get a notice from, the door is tiny and so is Karma our dog. A
leg can fit in or maybe a small toddler.

This prevented all but my son's first theft from us. He and a
friend 12yo's slipped into our closet while three of us were in
the dining room, what they took was my husband's adult rated
Xbox game. My son wanted it we bought it for us to play with
him to get the chance to guide him on adult games we knew
he played on friends Xboxes. It also helped us to connect with
him. We all got quite good on team play online against others.
We kicked booty! I actually miss playing, lol.

The system also kept him from sneaking out for many years.
By 14 he was commiting other crimes. One that got him a day
in juvenile court, after a week in he was sent home with an
ankle bracelet on strict probation for many months we
attended mandatory programs for him not to face felony
charges. He did great new hobbies, did well in school and
required participation in an after school program. They said
he couldn't continue in archery which he loved, he had used
that and a knife in his felony.

At 15 he started using drugs. A few months later he OD's and
after rehab he came home and more counseling. He started
jumping out of the car on the way to counseling... I'd
become the ride that he used to get close to where he wanted
to be, then he'd jump out. I'd chase in my car. He agreed to
attend NA but insisted he needed me with him for the first few
meetings. I went and that's where I heard of our program!

I'm glad for having the alarm system. He stole very little from
Us due to it. He knew it was there and didn't go after my GGM's
big silver set, $5+K. My GM's vintage turquoise and silver
collection is intact. We visited the Navajo at monument valley.
They said it is priceless and should be in a museum uhm I have
Native American Pottowatimi tribe in me and I wear and love it.
My 20+ carot gold from the Middle East another 5k. My GM's
wedding diamond I had put into a wide heavy gold setting
another 8k. The rest of my jewelry probably another 10+k by
now. I keep adding to it. I love the jewelry and it's intact thanks
to my simple little self installed alarm system. We also have a
huge heavy safe. I could buy a small retirement
place with my jewelry! The turquoise will probably end up in a
museum. There's a lot of the green turquoise in it, it's highly
valued. I would change the garage door opener code if my son
ever had a controller, even if he gave it back.

Thanks to this program I found my sanity albeit a bit long winded
today. I'm working on that, ha, not so well today. I wake up every
morning excited to see what my HP has in store for the day. I do
I do my service in our Literature Committee. It helps me immensely
working the full program. I work it 4me because I care about me
now. I work those JFT's in the back of our Blue Book every day.

It takes time and the further I progressed I came to love this
program more every day. It works in all of my affairs.



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Re: My beautiful daughter

Post by Lagayle59 » Thu Jun 22, 2017 2:13 pm

Thank you Dann, for your reply and your story. It sounds as if you have a sophisticated alarm system, I am sure I need one but they are quite expensive.

I have no hope of getting my garage opener back, so I will go on and purchase one so that I have a spare in case something should happen to the only other one that I have. I do not want to be locked out of my garage!

My biological father owned a jewelry store and I have much jewelry passed down from my mother, which I do not wear, but it is in my safe deposit box. A few years ago, I decided I did not want my daughters waiting on me to die to have a really nice piece of jewelry and I let both of them pick out a ring, so they could enjoy it now and I could see them enjoying it. This daughter promptly pawned the ring I gave her. It broke my heart but it taught me not to give her anything that was very valuable again. I never got it back.

Now my focus is learning to take care of myself; it is high time that I quit my caretaking behaviors with her. I am a retired RN, so taking care of people is second nature to me and it is difficult to give up that role entirely. I have a long way to go but I will get there. Just knowing others are here helps me everyday. I have a f2f meeting tonight and have not attended any meetings here as of yet, but plan on getting that started also.

Thanks again for responding.

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