216 days

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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Angelikoula
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216 days

Post by Angelikoula » Sun Jun 11, 2017 9:31 am

We should never wait for an addict to hit rock bottom... if they were battling any other disease like cancer for example we would not wait until the cancer had spread throughout their bodies to support them in their battle.

MarieW
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Re: 216 days

Post by MarieW » Sun Jun 11, 2017 5:20 pm

I'm not crazy about the whole idea of "rock bottom". What causes someone to embrace recovery and sobriety is such a personal thing. I can't count the number of times I thought my son must have hit his rock bottom, only to have him pull out the dynamite and keep digging.

Whenever an addict is ready to work on their recovery, they have resources available to them. I will always support my son's efforts to get and stay clean, but I've learned that I can't force it. I know your daughter tragically lost her battle with addiction. It is a fear I live with everyday. But I do not have power over life and death. I cannot kidnap my son and force him into sobriety, thought wouldn't it be nice if I could? The best I can do is work the program I wish he was working and hope and pray he finds his way, too.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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AngelMom
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Re: 216 days

Post by AngelMom » Mon Jun 12, 2017 12:38 am

1477 days.
I didn't wait for my daughter to hit rock bottom. I did what I could. I sent her to rehab, to therapists and then I finally had her arrested. I talked, screamed, cried, bargained, threatened, begged and pleaded. Nothing worked. She wanted to be clean. I'm sure of that, but she didn't want to get clean. There was just something that was always drawing her back. She had to want it more than anything else. I couldn't want it for her, though I tried. She was a heroin addict for 5 years and the longest clean time was about 9 months. Several times she told me that she hit rock bottom. Awful things happened and she swore that she would never go through that again, but she did. I don't believe that rock bottom actually exists for some people. I don't know...just my opinion. I'm so sorry about your daughter. It's so hard....this journey.

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flash
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Re: 216 days

Post by flash » Mon Jun 12, 2017 7:23 am

I realized I only knew what my rock bottom was.
When I hit it I had to dig my way out - one step at time.
It was pointed out to me many times that I was working my son's recovery harder than him.
I'm so sorry for all the losses everyone has suffered.
May each day bring a little light and peace.
Love, Donna

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slm219
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Re: 216 days

Post by slm219 » Mon Jun 12, 2017 8:12 am

Hi Angela -

Want you to know I think of you often.....

It has been 7 1/2 years since we lost my stepson. Still going thru this mess with my son....at age 43.
We never waited for either of them to hit rock bottom.........you name it we have done it.....there is absolutely nothing we have not tried. Sadly nothing worked for my stepson and so far nothing has worked for my son. As another post mentioned......maybe there isn't a rock bottom for some.....I don't know.

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and all the others that have been taken. I have hope and pray for those that are still struggling.
Hugs,
Sharon
Even a small star shines in the darkness.

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Re: 216 days

Post by DeanW » Mon Jun 12, 2017 9:48 am

Angela - I, too, think of you often. I remember reading your posts. I surely didn't get the impression you were waiting for your daughter to hit rock bottom. You thoughtfully pursued many angles and daughter was so young. My daughter is now in her 40s - sober for a long time, thank God - but, very enmeshed with her husband who still relapses. She was with him at your daughter's age and was experimenting. I am just lucky that she survived that time period. Any of us who love someone who is addicted could be dealing with the loss of our loved one. You know that there are examples of people who brought their children back in their homes - only for the child to die of an overdose in their family room. No one can predict what will happen with this unpredictable disease.

I don't like the term rock bottom. If the bottom could just be stable for awhile - then maybe an ALO could get a handle on what is happening. It seems like the bottom is not a real bottom for many - it goes further down - then comes back up and then again. I know you miss your beautiful daughter. I hope you're getting support from professionals and family and friends. God bless.

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4me
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Re: 216 days

Post by 4me » Wed Jun 14, 2017 3:00 am

Hi Angela,

Yeah there seems to be some kind of a
balance in how much you do to help with
their disease, getting out of their way,
letting them know they are loved and feeding
your loved one but not the addict in them.

I do know I hit my rock bottom in it. If I
hadn't come to this program I probably
wouldn't be alive today. My lack of self care
while rescuing resulted in multiple
ambulance rides to the hospital where they
kept me a week each time death was strong
potential each time.

The improvements in me are amazing. I know
this is so hard for you, don't be hard on you.
You loved and tried and that's what matters.

Hugs,

DAnn
4me

Lagayle59
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Re: 216 days

Post by Lagayle59 » Wed Jun 14, 2017 2:07 pm

I can only echo the words written here by others. I did not wait either. But her rock bottom is a far cry from mine. Losing her home, family, all her possessions, self esteem, did not do it, and I tried everything I could find to do it. I attended AA with her, paid for her living expenses, begged, cajoled, cried, walked on eggshells, put up with any and everything, lies, disrespect, her inability to support herself, her loathing of herself and others, to no avail. When you have given it everything you have to give, and more, and lost yourself in the process, and almost your own livelihood, it is time to let the consequences of their choices take hold. I did not cause this addiction, though I have enabled her through the years, because I did not know better at the time, but now that I do, I have stopped. I simply cannot and will not continue to watch her self destruct. I love her so much my heart is broken, and I still will not rescue her again, only she can do that and if she does not see fit to do it, then she will forever be lost to all of us. I have no guilt anymore because I gave it all I had and in my heart, I know I did. There is nothing wrong with saying enough, especially if it does nothing for them if you continue. My prayers are with you. May you be held close to God as you understand him to be. You are never alone.

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endoftheroad
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Re: 216 days

Post by endoftheroad » Sun Jun 18, 2017 4:56 pm

Your post gives way to my own sense of helplessness around my darling son's morbid addiction to heroin. My god, he has been hard at this now for around 7 years! I have learned to accept his destiny. When I think of the intervention and help that hubs and I gave him, I am glad for all of that. But really who are we in the grand scheme of his life, his path! For along time, I thought we were intrinsically joined at the hip! We all were truly one!

I have not seen his sweet face for nearly a year now, and really have not had much contact with him in almost 3 years! It seems an eternity! I have never detached my love from this young man and I never will, but plainly, my best efforts were not what he needed!

Have you read Bill W's and Dr. Bob's story? Although, not really the "founders" of AA, they were however, the Rosetta stones of recovery. Bill W learned that he could not do it alone, but needed another drunk to help him out of his hell! Sublimely simple that they took turns giving each other "atta boys" to stay out of the booze! I can remember going to my son's one year chip meeting many years ago while he towed along a sponsee and had me sit with newly recovered addicts of all kinds. He told them all to shut up and use their best language, I was his mom. :o :D

So, I know he knows where to go for recovery. And I would do anything to keep him from his bottom. But he has had many. It will be in his time, with his sense of the Divine that perhaps he will find a new way of living. Yes, he has a disease, but I can't force the cure on him.

My deepest sympathy for you and I do hope that each day will bring you less questioning and more peace. ox Susan
This is the easier softer way.....

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hopefulNE
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Re: 216 days

Post by hopefulNE » Tue Jul 25, 2017 1:04 am

Angela,
So sorry for your pain.
I agree with you about rock bottom. But despite what many of us have done to "raise the bottom" for our ALOs, as they say, we may still have multiple relapsers. In my experience, unless/until they are ready to reach for recovery on their own, whatever we do or don't do has very little impact.
Please be kind to yourself.
You and your beloved daughter have been, and continue to be, in my prayers.
(((Hugs)))
Pat
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

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