Summer of 2014

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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angela123
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Joined: Sun May 28, 2017 9:43 pm
option_firstname: Angela

Summer of 2014

Post by angela123 » Sun May 28, 2017 10:45 pm

I have never told this story in its entirety but currently I need help and I face what appears to be a pending death. I avoid the story unless it is to explain the loss of the apartment or the loss of a way of life I had but now I explain it so I can better understand myself and my daughter. It all starts like this:

I am an online dater.

I broke up with my long term boyfriend and tried to move on from my own hell of prescription drugs and alcohol that I took comfort in whenever my mother and sisters made me feel so tiny and stupid. I was always good for a few months but whenever I would get that call and or receive a text I would run right back. I would go to sleep high and drunk and rarely talk to my children after I had drank but mostly I would stay lock in my room from the about 2010 until 2013. It never helped that the man that I loved dearly treated me like a sexually yo-yo and ignored me and used all of my private feelings as keys to my soul... this too fueled the desire to burn through a bottle of anything I could get with a prescription.

In the summer of 2014 I met a guy and fell madly in love but he was short, made less money and lived with his parents in Chicago. I lived in Indiana and I had once lived in Chicago, I had just lost my job at the University of Chicago and I have a MBA. I lorded this over his head and I felt it made me better than he because of I was educated... in all honesty I was very stupid. During our time together I lost weight had amazing, passionate sex, we made love, kissed and I saw lighting and when he touched me I melted.

I found another job at Rush Hospital in Chicago and I was completely happy until his mood swings arrived, the excitements, the sweating, the sex marathons, the drunken accusations, the stalkings, the police visits, the rapes, voice mails, lies, etc. I believe in God so I told him to pray. I left him several times and each time it became worse, finally he calmed down and we decided to go to Chicago to visit his friend for my birthday, and do something in Chicago. We arrived in Chicago in my car and he stopped to chat with a stranger in a park, he was gone for a while and it was very hot so I returned to the car. He was drenched and irritated when he returned, I was afraid as soon as he got into the car. We drove to his friends house and along the way the accusations began and continued thru until we arrived.

He went into the house drank a few beers and came out of the house feeling very happy and relaxed, soon after he insisted we go back to my house in Indiana. I was upset but I did so without having done anything that day - He began to accuse me of wanting his friend and all of his friends, friends. The 2 hour ride turned into a nightmare as he decided to jump out of the car on the expressway near downtown Chicago in 70 mph traffic. I couldn't stop the car or pull over because we were in the far left lane but I knew that he might kill himself or me so I tried to talk him down and pray. Finally, he calmed down and rested until we arrived home, the alcohol had worn off but he appear still happy and light as he begged me to forgive him.

I cried so hard and told him to leave but he refused he held on to the door and the door frame as I tried to push him out of the house. He cried and begged and promised until the late hours of the night - finally, I fell down & accepted from exhaustion. He kissed me so deeply that I forgot what I was mad about, I forgot and ignored it and it repeated itself worse the next time a few weeks later as he almost killed us both in the car again. This time I pushed and pulled and got him out of the house but he pushed the door open and started the water works again, he pressed against me and pulled on my clothes... the next morning after I wiped away the blood from the anal penetration that I refused I promised myself that this would be the last time... it wasn't. It all continued on until Oct 2014.

The hardest part of this whole story is what happens before the death, before the last moments, before the last thoughts, before the now and the "what if".

On Oct 13th he sat in my room and told he would give himself to God fully, no more pulling away. He gave me a wonderful full body massage that started with my feet and then we made passionate love as we had in the beginning of our relationship. I laid down and prepared for the next work day and he went to the bath room, he came back out to say his stomach was hurting and I said drink some water. In my head I was thinking I was going to leave him because the week had been partial bad. I went to sleep and at 230a I woke to see the lights on in the bathroom, he side of the bed had not been slept in, at 340a again I woke and saw the same thing. At 430 I woke to get ready for work and the bathroom door was locked, I called he name and had no answer, I assumed he was playing with me because we often played that way. Several calls and threats later I took the knob of the door and rushed into the bathroom after seeing him asleep on the floor. I shook him... he was ice cold... frozen in a sleeping position on the floor with drop of blood on the behind him. I screamed and screamed and screamed - I cried and he wasn't there to help me, to comfort me, to make me feel better, to take my pain away. He was gone... gone to sleep.

The afters of the story do not matter, what matters is how I feel that one day I will wake to a call from a stranger that tells me that my daughter is dead and that her children are orphans. She is in treatment now and she has a million wonderful promises but I know she has every intent on going back to where she lived and waiting on a man that is in jail so she can continue the same failed life... a life I never showed her.

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4me
Posts: 531
Joined: Wed Nov 27, 2013 1:38 pm
Location: High desert SW, USA
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Re: Summer of 2014

Post by 4me » Mon May 29, 2017 3:48 am

Angela I am so sorry to hear what you've been through.
A loss is always so hard, especially when you are
concerned with the loss of another loved one.

I'm glad you felt comfortable to let go of all that. We
feel less alone when we share. I hope you noticed the
main forum to share your ongoing concerns.

Keep coming back you'll find lots of support here.

Hugs,

DAnn
4me

MarieW
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Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:10 pm
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
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Re: Summer of 2014

Post by MarieW » Tue May 30, 2017 3:51 pm

Thank you for sharing. Please stay with us. Read, post, attend our on-line meetings. You've been through a lot, but still have a lot of living to do. We are here for you.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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