Not alone

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2017 9:38 pm

Not alone

Post by Stillhopeful » Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:25 pm

After attending my first meeting I knew I had to share my story. I had to let other people know they aren't alone. So where to start... as far back as I can remember my parents were addicts. My father an abusive alcoholic and my mother well she would swallow or smoke anything passed her way. At 5 I remember waking to the fire alarm. My father had passed out drunk on the couch while smoking a cigarette. Walking into the living room I saw him still passed out on the couch as I was burning. I began screaming for him, finally waking him and running to my brothers room to get him out of his crib while my father dragged he burning couch outside. My mother was in the hospital pregnant with my other brother. With in the next year my mother decided to take off with my brothers and I. My father fell deeper into his addiction and did not have much if any contact with us. So here I was playing mom to my two younger brothers while my mom slept in or got high. As the years passed I resented my mother. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that drugs were more important/came before my brothers and I time after time. Her drug abuse and lack of income since we lived off her disability check every month left my brothers and I in and out of the foster care system. If you aren't familiar with the "system" it stinks. My brothers and I were always separated and it really is a hard experience. Needless to say I always felt like a mother figure in the house and always felt like I had to grow up way before my time. Felt like I missed what childhood should of been. We went to school to put food in our bellies. I never for a moment resented or even cared about taking care of my brothers. That was just what my life was and what I had to do. I did and we did what we had to do to get by. When I was 15 my mother lost custody of all of us. She was completely absorbed with her drugs and using with my 13 year old brother. I kept sting and want to believe I did ok. My brothers I don't think wrrr as fortunate. My brother that my mom had been using with continued to spiral downhill. My baby brother... well he seemed to be doing better than I thought. I myself never returned home. I couldn't go back to living with my mother. My brothers both returned home. One unable to work with his mental disabilities be fried brain thanks to the early drug introduction and the other to young. As the years went on the boys felt obligated to live at home and watch after, take care of our mother. While I didn't want them to feel like they had to take care of her I knew she couldn't take care of herself. Nor could my brother be alone but he sure didn't need to be with her. I myself had already left the picture. Abandoned my family in the search to save myself. I did save myself but sacrifices were made. I moved across country. I no longer was a crunch for them or able to bail them out. The guilt ate me alive but I had to get away from the situation. At 25 after 6 months of minor contact with my father he passed away. Delivering that news to my mother and brothers let alone digesting it myself was gut wrenching. Present or not that was still my father. The years of abuse had took their tole on his body and his heart gave up. I thought life couldn't get any worse, that I couldn't experience pain that great ever again. I was wrong. A little more than a year later I woke up to the news that my mother had been found unresponsive. My mother, the women who brought me into this world. The women who wasn't perfect but didn't judge me. The women I could tell anything to. Was gone. It had been 4 years since I saw her. 4 years since I last hugged her, touched her, smelled her. No matter the pain she had caused me in the past or presently as she selfishly continued to use and abuse costing her and us her life. My brothers unfortunately are the ones that found her since they were living with her. The pain was and still is unreal. No words could begin to describe the whole and pain in my heart. 4 months later my brother committed suicide. My mom was his only friend as his mental illness and everything had just destroyed him. He was a torchured soul. 6 months after that my baby brother, the only family member I had left drank himself to death. In 10 short months I had everyone ripped away from me. My entire family gone. I was 3 months pregnant when my baby brother passed. Pregnant and with the man that I thought life led me to. I thought life had sure dealt me the worst hand but if it was all to lead up to having this man and this child growing in me than that was what I was going to focus on. 2 weeks after I gave birth to the most amazing and beautiful daughter in the world I found out the man I thought life gave me was actually also an addict.yes I saw warnings during my pregnancy but denial kept me from believing any of it. We tried outpatient detox and sobriety. It didn't last 6 months. Today he is and has been in inpatient care for 4 weeks. I see the man I fell for coming back. While past experiences tell me to run away and give up on him Im not doing that. Is it quilt from abandoning my family? Is it pure dreaming? I'm sure it's a little bit of everything. It's the love I have for this man. The hope that I have that past experience does not have to repeat itself. Yes my guards are up and yes my child is absolutely number one. While I see this man putting this much effort into his recovery. Our child is just over a year. I know that I am strong enough and I will walk away if it comes to it. However I will give him his own chance to prove me wrong. We are a team and a family but I am not responsible for him or his choices. Addiction is a disease and I don't expect it to be easy but life's never been easy. I will continue to focus on my daughter and I. Hopefully he comes back to us.
I'm not here to judge anyone, I don't want to be judged. I just want to put my story out there incase it helps anyone else.

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Re: Not alone

Post by flash » Wed Apr 26, 2017 6:59 am

Wow and welcome.
You have certainly had your share of pain to deal with in your years and your strength is what shines through in your story.
From your story I am not sure if you have ever been part of a twelve step program but it seems like you have worked through some of the basic teachings of a program.
The three C's:
It seems like you have accepted that you didn't cause any of the suffering that your loved ones have endured.
You recognize that you can't control their addictions and that you can't cure their addictions.
Thank you for coming here to share and I hope you have also come here for YOU.
You aren't alone as I'm sure you'll see as you read other's stories and posts.
I hope you keep coming back. And enjoy that beautiful one year old angel that you now have in your life.
Love, Donna

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Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2012 10:58 am

Re: Not alone

Post by DeanW » Wed Apr 26, 2017 11:16 am

Still trying to absorb your story. So many different levels. So many relationships. God bless you and your child. You have the needed strength to go forward however you choose. Hugs.

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