Son died - where do I belong now?

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by RiverOfTears » Mon Mar 27, 2017 9:50 am

My 29 year old son died of heroin OD 2 weeks ago. The gut-wrenching pain, guilt, and haunts are sadly familiar to all of you in this forum I am sure. Prior to his death, I was attending a local NarAnon group for about 6 months and just started working my steps with sponsor last few months. Well, now my world has been rocked, and now I ask myself do I still belong in the Naranon meeting or a grief meeting? Honestly, I don't know. While I always thought of NarAnon helping me with the nightmare of my son's addiction while he was living...I am not sure if that still applies now that he is gone.
I feel so lost and isolated at this point- family and friends try to help, but they don't know what to say or do.
We did find a small group for parents who lost a child to addiction- first meeting was last week, however I am not sure about just ending Naranon-do the steps and meetings still apply when your addict passes?


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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by endoftheroad » Mon Mar 27, 2017 11:20 am

Welcome River of Tears,

There are no words to express how terribly sorry that you have lost your son to his horrible many hugs to you! Glad that you have found us. I have not lost my son, but I have learned to grieve his life. I have not spent but 4 x with him in 3 years and he is out there. There are only 3 outcomes here: death, institutions or recovery, and he is choosing not to choose recovery.

Please post as often as you like, you are in magical company here and writing can be so healing! There are several people on the grieving Forum who have powerful recovery. You may want to reach out to Private Message them about their Experience Strength and Hope.

I have worked the 12 Steps several times in my life in different programs, and I can only say that they are a template for life! Let your HP wrap the arms of Divine love around you.

Much love, Susan
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by jeanette » Mon Mar 27, 2017 12:12 pm

RiverofTears -

I am so sorry about your son. The loss of a loved one is a difficult time. We won't tell you where to go. You will always be welcome in Nar-Anon.

After the loss of my loved one I was adrift for a while, but, after a while, I returned to nar-anon. Nar-anon is about sharing our experience, strength, and hope and being of service. Nar-anon has survived because people remain in these rooms. After years and years, remembering the tough times, how they worked through them, using the steps in every aspect of life, and coming out stronger, accepting life on life's terms, and changing what we can change. Nar-anon is here because people used the steps, traditions and concepts to make their lives better, because they want to live in peace and serenity no matter what occurs in the world around them.

I took a break from meetings but not from the forum, not from the fellowship - and when the time was right, I made my way back. To a way of life that provides me with a sense of calm and serenity and peace.

May you be surrounded by understanding friends and be gentle with yourself.
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by roadrunner » Mon Mar 27, 2017 1:37 pm

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what that feels like. Nar-Anon has a new pamphlet - "Continuing Our Journey After Loss - We Still Belong" - I just bought some for our f2f group but haven't had time to read it. I'm sure its good as our the literature is good. You can get the literature here on the website. Sorry I can't be a better helper.

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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by 4me » Mon Mar 27, 2017 5:12 pm

Hi Mary,

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Hugs and condolences my friend.

I view Nar-Anon as a part of my family. It takes a village... the village, the circle of support we are here for you. Here is good maybe both, you know we can't advise.

In my experience Steps have helped me in letting go of non-addict loved ones while allowing me to keep the loving memories alive in my heart. I recently made it through steps two and three and came to realize I had a HP and my HP had been sending me "signs" or "God Winks" in great times of need for 36+ years. I hope you are in the arms of your HP now and your son is in the arms of his.



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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by Angelikoula » Tue Mar 28, 2017 1:26 am

I'm very sorry for your loss - I lost my 18 year old daughter on November 7th, 2016 to a Fentanyl/Meth accidental overdose.

I understand your feeling of being lost and isolated - unfortunately, our lives are now forever changed and we will never be the same again after the loss f our child. There are some support groups that you can get involved with. I sent you a private message with some information.

Take very good care of yourself. Try to get as much rest as you can - stay hydrated.. this is very important. Crying is OK. It's OK to not be OK.
The nightmare of living with a child's addiction doesn't was brutal and the enormity of the situation doesn't end for us now that our children's suffering is over.
You will need support. If Nar-Anon works for you then great- if not seek out other options.
Contact me by private message if you would like.
Much love and compassion to you <3

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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by HollyTx » Tue Mar 28, 2017 8:35 am

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You belong. There is some literature, "Continuing our Journey after Loss" in the store. It addresses some of the issues you have raised.

I have found that the steps are useful even in loss, and in so many other ways. The steps and my sponsor have helped me to clarify my choices, decide what I need in the world to find peace and serenity and make the choices that lead to that.

Sending you ever so much love. Loss and grief isn't easy. Keep coming back for you.


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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by Dannie » Thu Mar 30, 2017 9:24 am

I'm so very sorry to hear this and I don't know what that is like to endure but it's my biggest fear. My AS is in active addition and I fear for his outcome. This group has helped so much and I hope we can all support and help you. Take good care.

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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by Lauraleeg » Thu Mar 30, 2017 1:48 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you belong wherever you can, for just a moment find peace, that someone understands and that you are being heard.
Its safe here.
Take good care.
Love Laura
Dwell in Possibility.

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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by Cheryldel » Fri Mar 31, 2017 10:31 am

First..I have no words for your pain but..I'm so sorry.
I just wanted to share with you about my f2f meeting last Tuesday.
Our leader that night had lost his son a year ago..and said he chose this date because of that.
I remember him attending his first meeting a year ago at the suggestion of a friend who attends our home group.

He was angry..closed off...and I could see great pain. A retired California highway patrol..who worked in drug inforcement. Vulnerabity was not a go to feeling for him. He sat there for many months..but as we say keep coming he and his wife did.
Gradually something happened..he broke open..passed the anger he had used to shut him off from joy.
He shared ..he smiled.
We have a dinner once a month with our group outside our meeting..he joined with his wife..he expressed his growing gradidtude for our group and that he was feeling better.
Tuesday when he lead the meeting..I was taken back with the bravery it takes to participate in a group when your ALO has passed. But this is the point..we come to f2f meeting or here..for us..and to help other family members suffering from the disease of another's addiction.
We learn tools that get the focus back to our lives and to find reasons to live..despite what the outcomes of our ALOs.
This man and his wife..grieved and always will. But they picked themselves up and began to live again.
To me this is a beautiful gift I was example ..I too will live and find joy..if my own sons disease takes him.
He continues to attend our meeting. We have others that have lost their children in our group. It is a pain they continue to have, but they have so much to give back..and our group as they have shared ..keeps them from depression.
I hope you go..for you have no brave you face your worse fear..and show up with courage to grab back the joy life has to offer. People like you are my heros.
Xo cheryl

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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by babs01 » Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:37 pm

Hello I can so relate. My son took his life in 1993. I blamed myself for the longest time. I was so angry at every one. It takes time but I did learn to accept. I have a HP that I talk to every day. I find music to help me a lot during the hard times. Spritual.I am now watching my youngest son going thru the same struggle. I hate the fact that I can not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. My daughter also is an addict. I have to remember I did not cause it I can not cure it. I beat myself up some days and wonder what did I do wrong. Climb up on that pity pad...Then think what am I doing, I am better than this. Writing down my feelings help. There are not many face to face meetings in my area so I come in here and vent. Knowing I will not be judged. Just for today... I will ````` fill in the blank. My heart goes out to you and your pain. Know we all grieve different there is no right way or wrong way.. Just know it does get easier.. hugs to you .. God Grant me the Serinity.. I have learned to live again, an attitude of gratitude every day..
God thank you for another day.. You can always private message me if you do not want to share.

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Re: Son died - where do I belong now?

Post by marieno » Mon Jul 24, 2017 10:23 pm

I am so sorry for your loss, there really are no words. I lost my 20 year old nephew two weeks ago, it still seems surreal.

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