Turn back time

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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Faith4me
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Turn back time

Post by Faith4me » Sat Mar 04, 2017 2:37 pm

Hello family, I have a friend who's son just overdosed and past away, during our conversation a poinant question came up that I would like to share, the question is...

If you had to do it over again knowing what you know now, would your actions be different? What would it be?

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flash
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Re: Turn back time

Post by flash » Sat Mar 04, 2017 7:02 pm

So sad for your friend. I just got a text from a program friend of mine that she just went to the wake of a friend's son after he lost his other son two weeks ago. HATE this disease.
That being said what would I have done differently.
Well, I have done my fourth step and through writing it I have forgiven myself for not letting my son grow up by doing way too much for him.
Like they say: When we know better we do better.

DeanW
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Re: Turn back time

Post by DeanW » Sat Mar 04, 2017 7:28 pm

YES! There is MUCH I would do differently. Some decisions I made waaay before my daughter started abusing drugs. Many I made afterwards via enabling. However, the ones made long before I think may have been even more important.

I try very hard not to dwell in the past. I go through periods of time in which at night when the lights are out and the house is quiet - I sort of "re-live" key times. I would love to have a do-over.

There's so much - but, most importantly, I would never look away. In my do-over fantasy, I am the kind of woman who looks at life with open eyes and no delusion. God bless your friend.

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Angelikoula
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Re: Turn back time

Post by Angelikoula » Sun Mar 05, 2017 1:21 pm

After my daughter died in November I had the same thought - if I could turn back time, what would I do? It played with my mind a lot ...
Almost 4 months later I know that's an impossible and unanswerable question that just breaks my heart even more than it already is broken because there is nothing that we could have done differently to change the outcome.. this was our children's purpose and path in life. As painful as that is to comprehend.

Still though, the question tickles the brain so in answer to your question .. the one thing I would have could have done differently was to have made sure that my daughter understood to NEVER take drugs alone and to make sure that 911 was called immediately and to always have a Naloxone kit available as an overdose antidote.

I'm sorry for your friends loss.
Time makes the pain gentler for your friend and their family.

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jeanette
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Re: Turn back time

Post by jeanette » Mon Mar 06, 2017 8:53 am

I made the best decision I could at the time with the information that was available to me.

Trying to figure out what I could have done different and what that outcome might have been, does me no good.
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love
Jeanette

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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AngelMom
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Re: Turn back time

Post by AngelMom » Sun Mar 12, 2017 12:05 am

I would have done so much differently. I don't honestly know if it would have changed the final outcome and it would not have lessened my grief, but it may have lessened my guilt. I would have enabled less. I would have yelled and raged less. I would have listened more. I would have said "I love you" much more. I would have spent more time with her. I would have taken her car, her phone and not given her money, but I still would have let her live at home. That would not change. I would have driven her to NA meetings and waited for her. I would have kept her physically close to me for several years. I would have hugged her more, cried with her more, I would not take her addiction as a personal assault on me. It wasn't about me, it was about her. I am her mother and I should have been able to take care of her and keep her safe. There are just too many things that I wish I could do over to even list. I just want her to crawl in bed with me again and hear her say "Mom, can I lay here with you for awhile?"

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4me
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Re: Turn back time

Post by 4me » Sun Mar 12, 2017 1:23 am

When I first came to this program I wished I had learned to be less controlling sooner. I've been trying to love my AS through it nearly all along and to be there for emotional support when he reaches out. That being said, I've since learned not to live in the past, the 3C's and the serenity prayer say it all so well. Amen

Hugs to your friend, so sorry to hear this horrid disease took another LO.

They've already been in my prayers as are all ALO's and their families.

DAnn
4me

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Lauraleeg
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Re: Turn back time

Post by Lauraleeg » Thu Mar 16, 2017 4:42 am

I am so sorry for your friend and their loss. Every overdose is our child...and when I hear of another overdose--I am so grateful that just for today, my daughter is alive. She has a chance.
Asking ourselves 'would I do it again, and if so what would I do differently" implies that in some way shape or form, I had some kind of determination in the outcome of my daughters life and consequently her addiction. If I could go back and change anything in my dreams, I would try to choose what did NOT cause my daughter to become an addict...but since I had NO control over it and I did NOT cause it--there is NOTHING I could have done differently that prevented this.
I think the question I ask myself--knowing what I know now, about the outcome of my daughters life--would I have chosen to have a child at all.
That answer is too personal to share and ultimately depends on the day and the pain rearing its head at the moment.
Prayers for all of us that are grieving the loss--real or metaphorically, of our children.
Laura
Dwell in Possibility.

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HollyTx
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Re: Turn back time

Post by HollyTx » Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:42 pm

Hi.

I'm sorry for your loss. There are no easy words.
If you had to do it over again knowing what you know now, would your actions be different? What would it be?
Oh gosh...there are things I would change, had I known....but the truth is I did the best I could at the time. Dwelling on the past and wishing a different outcome for my life, doesn't move me forward. I find it kills my self-esteem and makes me miserable. The only way I have found forward for tough times for me, is to say "What is the thing I want to do right now?" and do that. When I dwell in my past, I become miserable. If I dwell in my future, I become fearful. When I look at right now, I can manage. Sometimes it has been one breath at a time. And that's OK.

Fondly,

Holly

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whitedove
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Re: Turn back time

Post by whitedove » Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:10 am

Robert Frost said it well

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

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Cheryldel
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Re: Turn back time

Post by Cheryldel » Tue Mar 21, 2017 12:06 pm

Looking back...no I dont think I would change anything. Everything I have endured for the past ten years have been what I needed to do for my growth. I can see it didn't much change my sons progression of addiction, but it did a lot to unravel me and my extended family and my marriage. We unraveled the knots. My marriage got worse, then it got better. My difficult relationship w my mother got worse..then it got better. All because we tired and failed to fix my sons addiction.
My husband finally let me try until I decided I couldn't. He came to meetings for me, and soon found out his behavior could use some improvement.
In the whole picture..I can see the miracles..that my son disease has improved...except his own.
I sometimes think maybe that his purpose..it least it's the rippling effect..the rest is to be revealed. I'm trying to let go of that.
Xo cheryl

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