107 days ..

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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107 days ..

Post by Angelikoula » Wed Feb 22, 2017 1:32 am

I had to count back a couple of times to be sure I had the number right .. 107 days .. it sound like such a short time, but it also feels like a lifetime of days since my daughter died on November 7th, 2016.

We got the toxicity report back last week .. she had methamphetamine and fentanyl in her system. The medical examiner deemed it an accidental death and I wonder if they say that to everyone just to appease the family. Of course it was accidental - nobody chooses to die of a drug overdose.

Fentanyl? I begged her to be careful - I warned her every single day about how dangerous fentanyl was and how a single grain of it could kill her. She promised me over and over that she would be careful and not take fentanyl. I told her that she wouldn't know if it was laced in with her other drugs. If the dealer didn't clean the tools probably a TRACE of fentanyl could kill her and... it did. All I can think about is that she died. Alone. She probably took her meth hit laced with fentanyl and just went to sleep and didn't even know that she was going to die. That's what I'm left to think about now and it sucks.

I've been going to a peer support group once a month - it's for grieving parents who have lost children to all kinds of different things. Cancer, car accidents, substance abuse, alcoholism, other medical conditions, suicide, etc. We're a fun bunch of misfits. It's interesting to hear other peoples stories and their grief. I haven't attended an NarAnon meeting because .. well because. I'm also attending 2 eight week grief recovery programs from different organizations. It's probably not something that I should have done because it's been pretty intense, but in the end I think it's been good for me. One ended today and the other ends next week. I'm not sure what I will do with myself after next week is over .. the routine of having somewhere to go every week has been good in some ways.

I journal every day. I write "Dear Zoe" and hope that the words flow .. sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, but I try .. it's all I can do. TRY.

While my daughter was alive - and even though it was so difficult to have her actively using and feeling so completely helpless and hopeless I still felt her presence. It's so final now that she's gone .. she's GONE. Never to come back. No texts. No calls. No anxious, crazy moments. Nothing.

There's NO solitude like the solitude of a grieving Mother. Loneliness is deep and heavy for anyone who has lost a child.
I mostly grieve in silence .. my husband tries. My other kids try.
Friends are busy .. my siblings don't know what to say to me. The rest of my family is useless.
I get looks of regret from others sometimes and it just adds to the burden and the heaviness in my heart.

107 days and counting.
Thanks for reading and responding ..

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by hopefulNE » Wed Feb 22, 2017 1:59 am

You and your beloved daughter Zoe continue to be in my prayers.
From one mom to another,
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by MarieW » Wed Feb 22, 2017 2:14 am

Thank you so much for coming back and posting. Your journey is all too common these days. I am happy to hear that you are finding help in your grief support group.

I lost my nephew to alcoholism three years ago. His parents try to live a "normal" life, whatever that means. They put on a brave face, but their son is always on their minds. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are especially hard. And you're right, it is hard for family members to know what to do or say.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by LML » Wed Feb 22, 2017 2:19 am

Hi Angelikoula...
I can hear the heaviness in your heart while reading your post. Yes, you are grieving and the loss is final. The rest of us are grieving for our addicts and there is still hope. There is healthy recovery in this program and from what I was reading, you have much to offer others who share a common bond. Your post gave me something tonight! When you're ready... maybe you'll find that you won't feel so lonely in this fellowship...

Keep posting~~~

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."
Abraham Lincoln

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by flash » Wed Feb 22, 2017 8:14 am

Hi Angela - I think of you often and others that have come back to share after the devastating loss of a child.
I remember when I first came on a couple years ago there was a woman who had lost her son. I followed her posts and she often gave me so much to think about. I always felt selfish moaning and whining when my son was active and I worried.
Soon after I came on board here my nephew took his life in a very dramatic newsworthy way. He had suffered from mental illness.
The grief was thick and there were days it was hard to walk through, but, he was my nephew, not my son.
I did suffer from some survivor's guilt that my son who was the addict was still here with us.
It took me a while to work that out.
You are so right, even though it was my sister (who lost her only child), I didn't know what to say.
I decided the phone was often useless so would just go sit with her.
My sister, who had been a heroin addict for years until she had my nephew, developed a new purpose in her life.
She now works with voice hearers and is trying to change the way they are treated in our society.
There are days that I forget that she lost her only child. That is the difference. I continue my life and the whining and selfishness sometimes forgetting the miracles right in front of me. I hope you find some peace in your support groups.
I know we don't understand your pain but we are here if you ever want to talk about it. Always here.
Love, Donna

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by Winny » Wed Feb 22, 2017 9:23 am

Hi Angela,
I'm so sorry that you've lost your daughter. Like you, I attended the support group for grieving parents. I found it comforting, but I've since moved and there are no meetings where I live now. It was, as you say, a group of misfits. We had lost our children from various causes. At that time my son had been gone for quite a few years. The lady who started the group thought that since my son had been gone so long, I would be able to offer advice and wisdom & help all the others whose children had more recently passed. Also I felt pressured to believe in her HP, & I didn't share her values, so I stopped going. I wasn't able to comfort the others as she expected me to. I was having enough trouble just getting one foot in front of the other. If there was a group here where I live now, though, I would be attending. I didn't feel so alone in my grief.
My son passed from cancer, I knew he was terminally ill for about a year. Even though I knew what was going to happen, it didn't make it any easier to handle.
I had trouble living in the moment & not thinking about what the future held. I saw a therapist throughout my son's illness, I don't know how I would have handled it otherwise. He used to tell me, your son is still here, visit with him, be present with him, live in the moment. And I did my best to do that.
My mom passed suddenly from a heart attack, she was gone in an instant. It was a great shock, and came only 3 months after my dad was gone...he'd been sick for only 4 days, from heart trouble as well. So I've had sudden deaths of loved ones, & long lingering sicknesses with others. These 3 deaths occured within 2 years.
I miss my parents a lot, but it is my son's passing that has been so difficult. There is no pain like the pain of losing a child.
I want to tell you, though, Angela, that it does get more tolerable. I love it when someone talks about my son. I remember so many happy times with him. He was unique in so many ways.
I know your daughter was a special girl. I've never had a daughter, though I always longed for one. I think that I would have spoiled her so badly.
I know your daughter knew how very much you loved her. There is a special bond between a mom & her daughter, sometimes when something happens to me, the first thing in my mind is, I've got to go & give mom a call.
There are times when I miss my son so much that it seems unbearable. At those times I have a good cry, the kind of sobbing that makes your whole body shake and leaves you exhausted. Other times, when I least expect it, something will remind me of my Matty, & a single tear will come. Usually when I see macaroni salad or something in the grocery store, used to be his favourite.
I remember one day I was standing by the flower bouquets in a grocery store, & I was remembering how I used to take Matty flowers each time he went in hospital, he used to love them. And I began to sob, a dear woman, a stranger, came up to me & asked could she do anything. Poor woman, I couldn't say a word. And she just put her arms around me, & hugged me & let me cry. And I was so grateful to her.
It helps to reach out to others when you're feeling so down.
Thank you, Angela, for posting in this forum. It has helped me today to be able to speak to you.
Remember, you are not alone. I'm reaching out to you....can you feel the virtual hug that I'm giving you right now....the hug from one mom to another...a mom who shares your pain...and please know that it will get easier. It will never be easy, but I promise, it will be easier.
Live for today, hope for tomorrow

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by elissa1962 » Wed Feb 22, 2017 11:59 am

Angela, I have thought of you often since you lost your precious daughter. My daughter is still alive and for that I am very grateful. I try to just love her as she is, but its so hard. I sometimes do want to cut her out of my heart and life because its so painful all the lost potential. Sometimes I just look at her and try to imagine what she would be now at 24 without the drugs that stole her away. Its the worst thing, but I'm grateful that she is still here and with life there is hope. I hope that one day you will realize that you did all you could for your daughter. Its just not your fault. I know you don't believe it, but its true. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us, I know how hard that must be. We all love you very much and are here for you if you need us. All my love and prayers, Elissa
You have brains in your head
and, feets in your shoes
And, you can direct them
in any way that you choose
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Re: 107 days ..

Post by slm219 » Wed Feb 22, 2017 12:16 pm

Hi Angela -

I too have thought of you often. Although I cannot specifically relate we did loose my husband's son 7 years ago on Christmas Eve to this horrific disease. He was 35 and had gone down that dark road a long time ago, it felt like we lost him before he was actually gone, but we had always held hope. That same year our daughter in law lost her 17 year old brother to this same disease. So much loss..... We still think of him everyday and what might of been.

Just want you to know that you are thought about and we will always be here for you.
Love and Hugs,
Even a small star shines in the darkness.

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by endoftheroad » Wed Feb 22, 2017 1:00 pm

Big hugs around you Angela. I am so glad you are posting your journey. I wish we all could air lift you to peace and serenity. Do know that we are always here for cyberlove.

I went to my F2F last night and had a mini breakdown :( I knew it was coming and just let it flow. Everyone was sharing about where their ALO's were in their addiction or recovery and it was apparent that everyone was in pretty constant contact in one way or another, but trying not to become to enmeshed in the crazy train.

I have not seen my darling addicted son since last July and only a handful of times in three years. And speaking my story just ripped me up. It is not because I have so completely detached from him, but because he has hid himself in a drug world where few see him :| I have no phone contact, no email, and his C&S friends cannot even find him.

Every once in awhile, I lose it and swear out a missing person's report which floats around in red tape I imagine. And a couple of times a year he is in jail for some sort of theft charge and I run down to jail to visit him. It is always wonderful and he always tells me he is done with the "life" but back out he goes.

Last year, I learned to grieve for him that death was inevitable when he had a very large and serious OD that we found out about many months later! So then, I knew he would not contact us even in the worst of situations.

I have had to grow very close to my spiritual program. And most days I can carry on and live peacefully loving my other adult children and my husband and animals. That is what I have!

So, all that being said, there really is a grief that we all share. Our lives are all changed forever and a day. But we don't do it alone. Please keep coming back and sharing and I pray that your steps become a bit easier each day. Love, Susan
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by hope1 » Wed Feb 22, 2017 1:05 pm

Dear Angela
Thank you for sharing your pain with all of us. It is a huge reminder of how precious life is and how important it is to never take anything for granted as life as we know it can change in an instant. My mother experienced the tragic loss of my brother from addictions many years ago and I agree there is no pain on this earth worse then a mother who is grieving for her child. She did not have any support groups or any access to programs like naranaon. She did everything in her power to help him. Every single thing she did for him was out of love and she did the best she knew how. That has been my greatest fear with my daughter now as it is with many parents. I pray that you will be able to get to a place over time where the pain will not be so raw. Your dear Zoe knew that you loved her. Hugs.

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by nayr333 » Wed Feb 22, 2017 5:41 pm

Thank you for being here.
I cried and cried reading your share.
I hope you feel the LOVE around you from other parents.

I met a girl a few weeks back. Her baby boy was born with a severe heart defect. He has had two major surgeries and will probably not live past age 12. I sat and watched her. This beautiful young mother and she says, It is OK, God has a bigger plan.

I hold her words close to my heart. I hold them for your daughter, for you and for my drug addicted son and all the mothers and fathers out there with sick children.

We will never understand but we hang on to our Faith.

I believe your daughter is at total peace now until you can see her again.

I pray for your comfort. Please know you are not alone.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, Let it begin with me.

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by 4me » Wed Feb 22, 2017 6:02 pm


So sorry to hear of your loss.

"There's NO solitude like the solitude of a grieving Mother. Loneliness is deep and heavy for anyone who has lost a child."

This I know is true from my experience right at the time and right after my toddler daughter passed.

"Nowhere in the steps does it say to shut the door on your loved ones, yet that is what is encouraged all the time .. it's just not right.."

I feel this way about our entire societies acceptable grieving practices...

When you are ready. I'd love you to introduce us to the sweet girl you carry in your heart ❤️.

In honor of quiet friendship of just being here for you. I share with you the story of a tear bottle.

I recently sent a far away great friend a tear bottle for her tears when she suffered another tough passing of a loved one. We'd both shared many major passings. The tear bottle was surrounded by a circle of loved ones and it sparkled and shone pretty, all my note said was, say pretty with no t's. My friend knew exactly what it meant. We'd physically been there for one another during most of our passings and leaned on one another, still do, because we shared.

I am inspired to finish a post I had started for this forum.

So now I post it it to introduce you to my passed loved ones, I carry them all in my heart ❤️. Their trails of tales, they are part of the essence of me and why my friend knew the meaning of pretty, say it with no t's.

The post is titled, Honoring our lost loved ones My way of "grieving" ❤️


Last edited by 4me on Thu Feb 23, 2017 2:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by Heartbroken » Wed Feb 22, 2017 11:23 pm

Dear Angela,

107 days.. sorry again for the terrible loss of your daughter. You write so eloquently of your pain, every post you write touches my heart as a Mother. Thanks for sharing and helping us understand what you have been through , you have changed how I feel about my daughter and how I talk to her.

You are always in my prayers,
What you can do or think you can do, begin it, for boldness has Magic Power and Genius in it !

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by Lauraleeg » Thu Feb 23, 2017 7:49 pm

Angela ...107 days. A lifetime. I want you to know that it is because of what happened to Zoe that I make sure that I tell my daughter all the time that I love her. I don't nag her, I don't belittle her, I don't go on and on and beg her to get help, which just shuts down communication. I just tell her how much I love her. Because of Zoe, I realized that each day with Ali could be my last day. Each opportunity to tell her how much she is loved is just that--an opportunity and I could not let that go by, I had to stop being angry, and just accept.... because of Zoe.
Its not much--its not much of a reason to explain WHY horrible, evil stuff has to happen to kids...but its something. Micoroscopically small, but something. I don't know why Ali is alive and Zoe isn't here with us on earth. I have no idea why there is so much pain in the world..but i do know that when it all gets sorted out, there are reasons--and out of great sadness comes happiness...when one dies, another lives-that is the horror and the beauty of life.
Much love and support to you.
Dwell in Possibility.

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Re: 107 days ..

Post by tannersmom » Wed May 03, 2017 4:41 pm

I can't believe it has been now more than 107 days. It seems not that long ago that I cried tears for you, Zoe and your family. I think about you every time I visit this site which is almost daily. I pray that you are able to hold Zoe in your heart and know she isn't suffering anymore.

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