Haunted

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
1030
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option_firstname: David

Haunted

Post by 1030 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:26 pm

Two years ago, I learned my wife of 15 years was addicted to oxycodone pills. I spoke to her primary doctor and explained that she was going to kill herself or someone else because she was combining them with her antidepressant medications etc. He took her off of them and she resented me for it.

She began smoking crack cocaine and I told her that she needs to go into rehab or our marriage would end. She agreed. My insurance, through my job, paid for her rehab and anything she needed to get clean. She went into rehab for 30 days, didn't take it seriously and even tried to get people who were in recovery to relapse with her. She relapsed a few times within the year before completely giving up on any type of therapy.

She continued to go to her psychiatrist and psychologist to "adjust" her legally prescribed medications but she never told them she was smoking crack. I knew about everything, because I could read her text messages and see that she was pretending to be clean while doing her drugs.

She wanted nothing to do with saving the marriage - spent many days a week in Camden NJ - one of the most dangerous cities in America - hid drug addict convicts inside my home while I was at work - and refused to do any housework, laundry or even go food shopping. I offered for her to go on a vacation to clear her mind, body and spirit but she only holed up inside a room in our house and said she was depressed. She became a threat to me so I decided to divorce and even that did not deter her from using crack.

I found her dead, three weeks ago, inside our home - when I came home from work. It appeared that she died in her sleep. The result, I was told, was cocaine with benzodiazepines. The people that came to my house to assist said that they took a lot of prescription medications away from her bedside.

I never took any medications in my life. I only wanted to support my wife and her pain and ailments or mental distress. She turned against me when I fought to adjust her medications for her health and quality of life. I had read, in paperwork that she filled out to go into rehab that she manipulated doctors to get pills and medication and she exaggerated her aches and pains.

She was 49 years old and all of this happened without my knowledge, in the last two years of our 17 year marriage. I thought she needed all the medicines for her injuries and depression. I went to all of her doctor's appointments so that I could understand why they prescribed all those pills and medicines. I couldn't convince them, or her - that she needed to be on less medicines.

Now I am sitting here numb with the experience of finding my wife dead - when I would have done anything to reverse the course. I had the benefits to send her to any rehab at any price - and she said she didn't need it and that she wasn't taking drugs. She became nasty and violent when I told her that I knew she was on drugs and that I didn't judge her - but loved her and wanted her to find a way - with my help - and at the cost of my job's benefits. She kept going to Camden - hung out with drug dealers in my home while I was at work - and made me the enemy.

Thank you everyone - for letting me tell my story and letting me vent. Everyone says that I should be thankful that she died in her sleep without struggle - but I am the one, alone, in the house right now - and I only wanted to save my wife.

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DEEMGEE
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Re: Haunted

Post by DEEMGEE » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:57 am

David, I am so sorry for your tragic loss. I will be praying for you and your family. I can not begin to imagine what you must be going thru.

Dannie
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Re: Haunted

Post by Dannie » Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:01 am

This is my worst fear for my AS so I had a hard time reading this. I am at a loss for words other than how very sorry I am to hear this. Support group, counseling, etc. is always good. It's helped me so far in my travels with this issue although I haven't been through what you have. I wish you strength and guidance from your HP. So sorry.

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Ellablue
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Re: Haunted

Post by Ellablue » Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:10 pm

Love to you and yours. You did all you could and I am so sorry that this is what happened. No words can make your grief less...I know that. I lost my 37 year old nephew this year. It still feels like some days its not true and is just a nightmare. I watch his parents and siblings try to survive the grief and guilt feelings. My 17 year old daughter is addicted. I know that if my HP whispered in my ear.....your daughter can have a good long life...not addicted but I will have to take you...I would say yes..take me. The thing is.....we arent given that choice. We cant control what other people do and we cant choose the outcome we want. I wish we could. Be gentle with yourself....know that you did all within your power to help her. Grieve without letting guilt (that you do not deserve) make it even worse.
Ella
Ella

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Cheryldel
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Re: Haunted

Post by Cheryldel » Fri Jan 27, 2017 3:20 pm

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. We all live with this possible out come. For me I have often thought..dear god please take my son out of his misery. But I'm not god and I don't know his plan. I do know I'm powerless. I learned the three (C's) first off:
(1) I didn't Cause it
(2) I can't Control it
(3) I can't Cure it
Everyone here that suffers from the baffling disease of addiction...did everything they could with what we knew to do at the time. We may have made mistakes and had regrets..but in the end..it wasn't our choices. Our love couldn't make any diffference..if they wanted to use.
We are all here because we love or loved someone with the disease of addiction..that can never be cured..it can only be arrested..by the one who has it.
We can't change a thing about the choices of others, but we can offer our support to the other affected ones like us who love them. I offer you mine. Much love and healing, she was lucky to have you.
Xo cheryl

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Winny
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Re: Haunted

Post by Winny » Fri Jan 27, 2017 3:44 pm

David, I am so sorry. What a difficult time you are going through. I wish I could be there with you right now, to give you a hug. To just sit with you & let you know there are others who care. From reading your post, it's clear you did everything you could think of to help. I will keep you in my prayers, & please know that you are not alone. Hugs to you today.
Live for today, hope for tomorrow

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Lauraleeg
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Re: Haunted

Post by Lauraleeg » Sat Jan 28, 2017 12:54 pm

I am so sorry. It is hard when we try so hard to save them. Help them, and it doesnt make any difference. We just try so hard. They lie, manipulate, steal...sink so low and nothing we can do will have any effect on them.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
Laura
Dwell in Possibility.

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SDIN2T
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Re: Haunted

Post by SDIN2T » Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:57 pm

David:

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you would have done anything to get her to quit. I want to do the same thing for my wife of 28 years. But I can't make her quit. I know there's nothing I can say that will help you through your grieving. But I remember a pastor telling me one time, "Don't try to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense". That's has helped me. I pray it may help you.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Daughter of the King
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Re: Haunted

Post by Daughter of the King » Sun Jan 29, 2017 7:37 pm

My deepest sympathies....If you did not love her deeply and want the best for her, you would not be posting here.
I am sure you did the very best you could with what was in you control, we just don't hold the power over life or death. I hope and pray in time, with support groups and/or counseling you will work though your grief and find peace.
sending love, an embrace and a prayer for you, David

1030
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Re: Haunted

Post by 1030 » Tue Jan 31, 2017 11:35 pm

I can't thank everyone enough - all who replied to me. I read the replies a few days ago and read each one slowly, to absorb the message - and was brought to tears. I came back again to read the other few messages and the same thing happened - brought to tears. I want to say "Thank You" to everyone. My home is silent and sad and I keep having flash-backs since I found my wife, in a room, inside my home.

There are no children and I have no family where I live. I am not saying this to make myself sound pitiful but I just want to express that it is just me here, with my own thoughts, and I appreciate the words of those who responded because it puts extra voices inside my head.

I know it's not possible - but I want so much to go back in time - to beat the odds - and be a super-human and save her. When I went to Nar-anon meetings - almost two years ago when this first started - I remember not being able to accept that "I am powerless" regarding the addict. I always wanted to be strong enough to kill the addict inside my wife. The harder I tried - the stronger she got in her addiction. She then began seeking others to join her - and soon - it was two against one. Her and her drug addict friend - against me. My nerves were shot but I wouldn't give up - until her death.

Tomorrow will be one month since I came home from work and found my wife dead. My phone has gone silent - no more calls about how I am doing. Family members talk as if it never happened. I am still deep in grief. So thank you to everyone here - for those who wrote to me and for those who thought about me but didn't post.

I have great appreciation

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endoftheroad
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Re: Haunted

Post by endoftheroad » Wed Feb 01, 2017 11:38 am

I am so glad you came back to post again! A month is not a long time! I cannot imagine how very very hard this is for you!

In my area, there are grief counselors and groups. Have you looked into this at all? There is nothing more comforting than being with people who understand what you are going through!

Please keep coming back and posting, reaching out! We are here for you in your healing process!

We also have meetings online 3x a week. There is one tonight. Come and just read along if you like!

Blessings my friend!
This is the easier softer way.....

Missy ;)
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Re: Haunted

Post by Missy ;) » Wed Feb 01, 2017 6:40 pm

Oh, David, I'm terribly sorry for you. The scariest outcome has happened but stay strong. The fact that you came here to post, and shared your heartbreak with us, shows that you know what to do. We're all here for you.

Grieving takes time; slowly, we process everything and mourn in some way but we keep going. This is something that makes you stronger. Your experience becomes an example to others who face a familiar scenario as you.

Please take care of yourself. This forum is a healthy place for you to find friends and peace.

(((hugs))) and prayers,
Missy
"When life gives you coal, make diamonds."

1030
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Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2017 9:57 pm
option_firstname: David

Re: Haunted

Post by 1030 » Wed Feb 01, 2017 6:50 pm

I want to thank everyone for their replies. No matter how educated I become in understanding the mindset of a drug addicted person - I feel that I am going to live a lifetime - going over the past - wondering what I could have done to steer the path - not fix things - but alter the path to set my loved-one on solid ground - with or without me - to heal and become whole. I think I could have done more and tried harder - and not taken the attitude that I was powerless. I keep wanting to go back in time and just trying harder. Thank you everyone for all those kind words. I go back and re-read them. It's been one month since she died and people have stopped calling and writing. I understand that they have their own lives. The other reason why people have refused to feel compassion is that my wife became very nasty and sometimes evil in her ways - and my loved ones resented that - so they have no kind words and have quickly put her in the past. My wife wasn't always bad or acting badly. So my grief is not appreciated by my loved ones. If I was a man in my 20's or 30's, I would see hope for a future. But really - at age 52 - what the hell's the point?

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Ellablue
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Re: Haunted

Post by Ellablue » Wed Feb 01, 2017 8:06 pm

I hope that you will reach out to meetings. They are online Sunday Monday and Wednesday 8 Pm EST. I think it could help you to let go some....even now you are in the mode where you are wishing and dreaming about stopping the terrible addiction....which is so understandable. Nothing but acceptance and support are here for you. We are all grieving here... all of us. We dont know your exact pain but we know pain.
Much love.
Ella
Ella

1030
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2017 9:57 pm
option_firstname: David

Re: Haunted

Post by 1030 » Sat Feb 04, 2017 2:34 am

I will try the online meetings here.

Again, thank you everyone.

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