I've lost my brother

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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sam123
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I've lost my brother

Post by sam123 » Tue Nov 22, 2016 2:40 pm

I'm grieving the loss of my brother. He is 28 years old and I'm 30. He was my best friend and I loved him so much. He's homeless now and I don't know how to get in touch with him, but it's not him in that body. I had to forget him the past 2 years to take care of my baby. He recently called me on a Facebook video call. He had lesions on his face and looked like a twisted skeleton version of my brother. He was paranoid, angry and delusional. But also he was crying, everything had been stolen from his home he said. I wanted to save him. I thought he hit bottom, I went to his old shitty house. Naively thought he would go to a treatment place. He refused to see me. Few weeks later he was evicted, but I didn't hear that from him and he hasn't talked to me since.
I do hope that he decides to change his life, or chooses his life. I know he is on meth from his arrest records. I know he uses heroin, and here in Kentucky it's killing people all the time. I wish I could just hug him or even look at him, but at the same time he scares me. But I don't know how to get in touch with him. He is actually a good person. He suffered a lot of loss the past decade and started self medicating as a teenager. Most addicts I hear manipulate and steal from their families. He doesn't do that. He doesn't interact with us much, and that is very painful though. I can only Facebook message or email him and hope he sees it.
Since he called me I have felt very depressed and miss my brother, the friend I had. It is so sad that he is killing himself and has cut me and our mom out of his life. I almost burst into tears at random times and I visit good memories of him like I'm imagining a eulogy. I haven't been to a nar anon meeting but I will go as soon as I can. It was easier when I was just angry at him.
A friend of mine's brother died from heroin od. She had cut him out of her life about a year or two prior to his death. This made me think, I'll never do that to my brother. I want to be here if he ever needs help, but obviously I can't save him. Is he gone?

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grateful
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Re: I've lost my brother

Post by grateful » Tue Nov 22, 2016 11:45 pm

Hello. I'm sorry that your brother has this disease and that it has caused the same suffering for you as it has for most of us. I agree. It is much easier to be angry than to feel the real feelings underneath that strong emotion. I don't know if your brother is gone. I do know that it is correct - you can't save him. You can save yourself and attending meetings can help you do that. All that is on the mind of an active addict is his or her next fix. As much as we love them, we can't trust that that relentless drug won't compel them to do whatever they can to obtain it. Many of us have discovered that in order to protect ourselves and our minor children, it is important to establish boundaries to do just that. Doesn't mean we don't love them. It does mean that as the disease progresses, the person with it cannot generally stop themselves from using and doing whatever they need to do to finance the drug. They can choose to get treatment. Just walking into an NA meeting is the beginning of treatment. They don't need money to do that. There is something you can do for your brother. You can get help yourself by carrying through on your decision to attend meetings for you and you can pray for him if you choose to do that, too. I understand your missing him, too. I've felt that way about my AS. I have learned that tending to my own life, praying for my son, keeping an open mind and going to meetings makes things much easier for me. Perhaps you'll find that true for you, too?
Seek beauty

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HollyTx
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Re: I've lost my brother

Post by HollyTx » Wed Nov 23, 2016 9:36 am

Addiction is horrible.
I'm so sorry to see your pain.

Coming here helped me deal with the daily struggles in so many ways. I learned that I did not cause the addiction, could not control it or cure it. I learned to love my ALO without expectations. Love, given as a gift. Love that my ALO could choose to reject - or not.
Meetings were a lifesaver. For a few weeks there when he had ODd, getting up and dressed and making sure my kids were fed were goals. Meetings and calls helped me find strength to put one foot in front of the other through the grief until I was ready to work on my healing.

Come on in, the door is open, the light is on and people here really understand.

Hugs,

Holly

sam123
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Re: I've lost my brother

Post by sam123 » Thu Nov 24, 2016 1:50 pm

Thank you both for reading and replying. I plan on attending a mtg next week. Yes I want to save myself and really accept that there isn't anything I can to change this situation. Sam

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Angelikoula
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Re: I've lost my brother

Post by Angelikoula » Wed Jan 04, 2017 9:16 pm

Truly sorry for the situation you are in ... there's nothing you can do but love and forgive and support your brother as best you can.

sam123
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Re: I've lost my brother

Post by sam123 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 1:31 pm

Well I found my brother. Every once in a while I search for him online on the inmate database. There he was. I've visited him there twice. I write letters I don't send because I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Nar anon& al anon literature is really making sense. Light bulbs are going off. I'm looking forward to attending my first in person meeting Friday. Now I know I've needed it for a long time.

In this initial post I said he doesn't manipulate me. I can see I'm wrong about that.

It makes sense now, addiction is a family disease. I know I need to face myself and let him do the same. I hope we both make it.

I hope we all make it!
Last edited by sam123 on Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sam123
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Re: I've lost my brother

Post by sam123 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:08 pm

Thanks for replying.

I was certain my brother was homeless... but I don't know. He is secretive. Wondered if he died for some time. My mom went looking for him. Eventually found him in jail. But now that I've read some forums and nar anon writings, things are clicking for me.

I was sad and confused and felt alone in dealing with this.

I do want to know if he is going to prison.

I would like to learn more about healthy boundaries with an addict. I'm realizing how much emotional craziness I've experienced on and off for years.

Thank you for the prayers.

AntB
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Re: I've lost my brother

Post by AntB » Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:33 am

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. There are just no solutions, at least that is how it seems. I sure understand you saying it is easier when you are mad, instead of sad! When we feel helpless and we don't know where they are, that is the worst. My nephew died 3 months ago and the days I feel better are the days I feel mad at him for going to rehab and then using again in 30 hours! When I think of his problems and how hard it was for him, that's the time I can't stop crying. I hope that you hear from him and, like you, I could never just walk away from him, no matter what. But what ever happens, just believe there is nothing you can say or do to stop him. All you can do is let him know you will always love him. Love is all the power we seem to have. Prayers. AntB

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