Grieving for a child that is still alive

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
Adrienne
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Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by Adrienne » Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:10 pm

I have been in Naranon for 9 years( actively). Yesterday my husband and I finally summoned the courage to tell our daughter (age42) that we would no longer support her. She has been off drugs but was on prescribed meds. She has her masters degree. She is our only child. She was adopted. We have given her deadlines in advance but she has not tried to help herself. She has cursed at us and treated us badly. We finally went to the therapist who recommended us to naranon 9 years ago, and was told to live our lives and not hers. She will never support herself with us helping her. We are grieving. She is not dead but wishes no contact with us or any member of our family.

Ravynhed
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by Ravynhed » Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:21 am

I too lost someone that is still alive. He was my lover and my friend. Now, I don't even have friendship--he is full blown in his addiction and he doesn't care. I don't know who he is anymore. Yesterday was my last effort to reach him. I had to disguise my phone number and then he got off the phone 5 minutes later saying he had another call. 12 hours later and he never called back. I am not going to call him back and....I never got a chance to say goodbye. He was just a shell and the lack of concern about me made me sad. Prayers and tears are my support. I miss him terribly but I love myself more to not ride the crazy train of addiction. I almost lost myself trying to take care of him. I cared more for his health than he did. I nearly was destroyed. Oh. LORD. Here comes the tears. I know I am not saying the right words other than to let you know, you are not alone. It doesn't feel like the right decision but it was. Addiction keeps prisoner the addict but don't let you, as the loved one of the addict, be imprisoned too. Many hugs and prayers.

Adrienne
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by Adrienne » Thu Nov 17, 2016 9:56 am

I understand! Kudos to you for having the strength and courage to do what you did. I feel better today because my steps were validated. You took the correct step. I have gotten support from my naranon group and you should also. Keep on writing and go to a group if you can. They know and understand. We need support so we can't falter. You are strong,

Dannie
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by Dannie » Mon Nov 21, 2016 11:55 am

I too am grieving the loss of an adult AS. I miss the good times and the person he used to be. Knowing he's still alive but unable or unwilling to be part of the family is torture. He's so close but so far away if you know what I mean. I want to hug him and laugh with him but I can't. I worry about the phone call I may get someday that tells me he's really gone for good. It's like living in a real life nightmare. I'm so sorry for you and I am new to this group so I don't have ideas to share because I am looking to learn them so I can keep surviving too. I just wanted to reach out and let you know the pain is real but we will all find ways to survive it and there's always a chance this is temporary and our LO's will overcome this and come back to us happy and healed. Faith is a beautiful thing. :D

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grateful
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by grateful » Mon Nov 21, 2016 8:47 pm

You are not alone. All of us are in some stage of grieving. Glad you're here. Keep coming back. If its any comfort to you, I've gone through stages with my son who I stopped helping in his mid-20s. Of course, he wasn't going to take a change like that peacefully and happily. He was mad at himself, more than me, but I also had to set limits and boundaries as to what I'd allow and what I wouldn't allow. We have gone through periods when I haven't know where he is. But, we've also had good times in between. One thing that has never changed - even with the progression of this disease - is my love for him or his love for me. Beneath all the ugliness of addiction are two people who built a history of caring together and that bond never seems to get broken - no matter how ugly he gets or how definite I need to be about enforcing my boundaries.
Seek beauty

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JBird1974
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by JBird1974 » Fri Feb 10, 2017 10:24 am

I find that the real torture is looking in the eyes of someone who isn't the same person anymore. It is a grief that hurts the heart beyond words. That person is right there in front of you. But, all that remains is the outside shell and sometimes that doesn't even look the same. My AH makes fetile attempts to be part of the family, but it is all an act. And he gets mad when it isn't HIS way. He has a business that somehow succeds even with his active using. He uses this as a way to feel entitled. I quite my job last year to help with the business and now he uses that against me. It is a terrible thing, but I admire you for your strength. I hope God will guide your daughter to the path of recovery and that she will see that you have done this out of love. I will keep you all in my prayers.
"Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win, but you begin again. Even though your heart is breaking. In time, the sun will shine. And you'll begin again." -Barry Manilow

1030
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by 1030 » Sat Feb 25, 2017 8:43 pm

Like you, I too set boundaries, deadlines and ultimately chose divorce as a last attempt to help my 49 year old wife make the decision to save her own life. I did that - because me trying to cover up for, clean up after, support her was killing me.

I, too, was verbally attacked - via texts to her friends, which I was able to read without her knowing - so the hatred she had went beyond a "heat of the moment" anger. I read how she wished I would die of cancer. Mind you, for the past 15 years of our 17 year marriage, she considered me the most respectful, honest, loving and supportive man and she considered herself the luckiest woman on earth who didn't deserve me. No exaggeration. So what changed in the past 2 years? Her wild abuse of prescription drugs and crack cocaine.

She used to be a neuromuscular massage therapist who took away other people's physical pain, crochet baby blankets and hats to donate and bake 12 different chocolate candies to make gift boxes for family and friends during the holidays. She ended up not socializing with anyone who loved her, unemployed, refusing to work or volunteer, unwilling to cook, clean, bathe regularly. She became emotionless, vile and obnoxious in speech and uncontrollably dangerous in her actions.

When she caught on that I would no longer support her self-destructive lifestyle, she got uglier and more hateful. I offered her any type of treatment needed, anywhere in the country - she refused.

She died in her sleep, as you can read about in my post "Haunted" in this Grieving section on the forum.

Two months after her death, I sit here, deep in grief, yet proud of myself that I set those boundaries to protect myself. It helps me understand that I did all I could do and to know that in my heart, I would have stopped at nothing to offer what I could offer to change the course of her life.

The last piece of paper that I threw away, from the room where she slept and stayed holed-up for the final two years - contained a few scribbled notes that my wife wrote while planning with her lawyer, to prove she was unable to work and was emotionally unstable. The first line on the page revealed, what she maintained to her dying day, was the cause of her addiction and emotional problems. It read:

"David was the cause of all my issues."

If I were to write a one-line note to myself tonight - it would say:

"I was powerless over my addicted wife."

My prayers are with you, your husband and your daughter- and will be throughout the days ahead.

Warm regards,

David

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lisajjm70
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by lisajjm70 » Sat Mar 04, 2017 10:02 pm

I can't even imagine what it's like to have to grieve for your own child. :( I hope with all I have your daughter finds her way back to you. I recently made the decision to release my addicted brother. He is the only full-blooded family member I have left, and I've tried every tactic and strategy I could find to help me get him to seek treatment, but I can't bear to do any more. I'm grieving like he's gone and I desperately need to talk about it. I'm confident I've done all I could do without enabling him, but I have to look after myself now.

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Angelikoula
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by Angelikoula » Sun Mar 05, 2017 1:31 pm

I'm very sorry that you are going through this pain and anguish.
My family and I struggled in much the same way with anticipatory grief with our daughter.. It's not easy.
Unfortunately, my daughter died of an accidental overdose on November 7, 2016.
I hope that you've had some good news since you've written this.

Ali1972
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by Ali1972 » Tue Mar 07, 2017 3:27 pm

I understand completely about Grieving for a child that is still alive. My 26 year old daughter is a long time Meth addict and I am having a very difficult week. She was in a rehab program for the first time ever and I really had hope but I was informed that she left last week only about a week into the program. I have no idea if shes safe or where she is but I am trusting my higher power to take care of her. I am trying to take care of myself first.

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lisajjm70
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by lisajjm70 » Tue Mar 21, 2017 11:42 pm

Angelikoula: I am so terribly sorry to hear that. :'( I don't have any children so I can't begin to fathom that kind of pain. The kind I feel knowing I'm losing my brother is horrible enough. Perhaps because most of our family is gone....I don't know....but we have, or used to have, a very strong connection. Hoping your daughter is now at peace, and that you find peace as well. <3

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lisajjm70
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by lisajjm70 » Tue Mar 21, 2017 11:46 pm

Ali1972: I'd say I know how you feel, but the only time my brother has been in treatment was twice when he was in jail. I WILL say, that I hope you can allow yourself the happiness you deserve. Aside from a few exceptions, no one deserves to feel that kind of pain. :(

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flash
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by flash » Wed Mar 22, 2017 7:13 am

In my f2f last week a woman talked about a previous meeting where someone was talking about their fear of their child dying.
She lived with this fear and felt like many mentioned that she was grieving for her child.
This woman said she told her one slogan. One I've never heard before that.
DON"T BURY THEM TWICE.
I've never heard that before.
It made so much sense and in my mind I have buried my son in the past when he was spiralling. I have done it living in fear.
I know that I'm no expert and still not good at it but we have to dig deep at these times.
Dig our feet in, look up seeking a HP, and try to hold on to hope.
DON'T BURY THEM TWICE.
I will try to always remember this.
Love, Donna

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washpa59
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by washpa59 » Sun Mar 26, 2017 11:16 am

I am new to this forum. My son is 31 and has been addicted to heroin and pretty much any other drug he can find since he was 18. He has been in rehab at least 4 times. He will have several years of being clean only to relapse. A few weeks ago I found him in his room in our home high and ready to shoot up again. I was so disappointed and devastated I was nearly immobilized. He told his father and I he wanted to die. We made it too difficult because he knew how hurt we would be if he did commit suicide. He agreed finally to go to rehab again. There was a waiting list so, I stayed with him thinking he would detox at home. He didn't. He was continuing to get high. Finally, a spot opened about 100 miles away. The organization picked him up. Three days later they called and said he was coming home because they only had a bed for detox, not tx. I had already begun to come to terms with maybe never seeing him again only to be told they were dropping him at our doorstep the next day. He tried to get into intensive outpatient tx so that he could go to a halfway house. Before that meeting with his therapist occurred, I discovered he had stolen checks and had zeroed out our checking acct. I let him pack his bags and made him leave. I have not seen him since. it was absolutely the hardest thing I've had to do so far. We live in small town and I worry I may see him on the streets. It would be a blessing and a curse. There is evidence he has been in the house since then. Money and food have been missing. I am struggling with the next steps. His phone is on our acct. I could deactivate it if he doesn't pay his portion. Should I reach out to him? Should I report the checks stolen and try to have him arrested?-I did give him a deadline to pay us back or I would report the theft to the police.-What have you seen that works or doesn't?
Thanks for this forum, it is the one place I feel I could tell this story.

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lisajjm70
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Re: Grieving for a child that is still alive

Post by lisajjm70 » Sun Mar 26, 2017 5:40 pm

washpa59,

I can't begin to say how sorry I am that you and your family are in such turmoil. The mere thought of you seeing your son about to shoot-up is heart-wrenching, to say the least. My little brother is also a heroin addict, and just seeing the track marks and what he's like shortly after he uses crushes my heart so I can imagine what you must feel like. I have been struggling with releasing him and grieving for him immensely as of late. I could be wrong here, but from everything I've learned and read, they need to be held accountable for the things they do because of drugs. So yes, call the police. And yes, deactivate his phone. It may not "work," if by that you meant make him get clean, but it'd be a big step in looking after yourself. As for reaching out to him, I'm not sure what you mean. I assume you have already begged and pleaded with him to get help. All you can do now is stop letting HIS addiction rule YOUR life, but ensuring he knows you love him, no matter what. We can't let our addicted loved ones behaviors impact us any more than the pain of seeing them suffer from addiction already does.

Sending a big, empathetic hug to you and your family.....

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