How do I get past my baby sister's death?

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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How do I get past my baby sister's death?

Post by heartbrokenandlost » Thu Jun 30, 2016 1:35 pm

My sister unfortunately fell in with the wrong crowd with her first husband and became hooked on heroin. Though I won't go into full details (prior to or after jail time) as I know you have all been there and know all about what I went thru. She spent much of 10 years in prison for it. We all suspected she was using again and I asked her 2nd husband to let me know if she showed any of her old signs. He SWORE he would, instead he helped her hide it (still denies knowing to this day even though my niece says he knew the entire time).........she passed away last July 27, 2015 and I just cannot get passed the anger I feel towards him for not coming to me (as he promised) so we could have tried to intervene......and anger/sadness over her for going back to it after being off of it for 8 years (her last prison stint) and not coming to me for help when she felt herself slipping back to it. She knew what it did to her (and to our family when on it before and yet did it again). I know... even if i knew for sure, i couldn't force her to stop but at least i could have tried to get her help and been more forceful about it.
I went to her time and time again and asked...told her I saw the signs. But, as usual, they are so very good with lies and I couldn't really do much on "suspicion". It's been 11 months and still feels like just yesterday I got the call. Can't sleep, eating is so-so and I cry all the time. HOW did everyone get past this??? And the guilt that comes with feeling you just didn't do enough???

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Re: How do I get past my baby sister's death?

Post by Melissa » Thu Jun 30, 2016 2:46 pm

Dearest heartbrokenandlost

As trite and hollow as it might sound, I am very sorry for the loss of your dear sister.
I'm in a unique position to understand your grief, because we lost our son to an heroin OD on January 29, 2016---just five months ago.
During the past five months, my local Nar-Anon Family group has been mourning the passing of four more young men---taken by addiction.

There are several things that have helped me deal with my grief over the loss of Eric.
The BIG help has been my understanding of addiction and help through our Nar-Anon literature. I'll share a passage from our Nar-Anon Blue Booklet with you:
We have learned that addiction is an illness. It is a physical, mental and spiritual disease that affects every area of life. It can be arrested but never cured. We have found that compulsive use of drugs does not indicate a lack of affection for the family. It is not a matter of love, but of illness. The addicts' inability to control their use of drugs is a symptom of the disease of addiction. Even when they know what will happen when they take the first drink, pill or fix, they will do so. this is the "insanity" we speak of in regard to this disease. Only complete abstinence from the use of drugs, including alcohol, can arrest this disease. No one can prevent the addicts' use of drugs. When we accept that addiction is a disease, and that we are powerless over it, we become ready to learn a better way to live.
On the day that my son died, I had dropped him off at his sober living house. He managed to manipulate me and sweet talk me to the very end.
Three hours later, he was gone.
There are many regrets that I had to process during this grieving period. Through Nar-Anon, I already grasped the difference between guilt and regrets.
The "I wish" and the "If onlys" creep into those dark moments of grief. This is normal--but we need to accept it for what it is and ask for strength to move forward through our grief.

Another thing that helped me is that I search out a grief group. The leader thought I might have been a bit too raw to begin the 12 week program in mid-February. Goodness knows, I flooded the room with gallons of tears. The other grief group folks held me up--as we all helped one another come to terms with the loss of a loved one. The 12 week program dealt with many different circumstances and tragedies. I found it to be very helpful to discover that grieving does not have a timetable and we all grieve differently. It also spoke of being "stuck in our grief"; looking for ways to honor of loved one; serving and helping others etc. If you want the name of the group send me a private message (PM) and I'll give you additional info.

My deepest sympathy to you and your family. If I can be of further assistance, please send me a PM. I do not possess the magic bullet nor a magic potion to bring you instant relief...but I can offer understanding and compassion

On the path to discover the peace of God, which transends all understanding.

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Re: How do I get past my baby sister's death?

Post by sassafrass » Thu Jun 30, 2016 4:46 pm

You're here, so that's a step in the right direction. I lost my daughter's father/boyfriend in 2002 to an overdose. What seemed like insurmountable pain does subside over time. You are on the right path by reaching out. I never did. Now that my daughter is an addict, I am not only dealing with that, but things from 20 years ago are resurfacing because I never dealt with them then. Try not to give up and try to take care of you.

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Re: How do I get past my baby sister's death?

Post by HollyTx » Fri Jul 01, 2016 1:17 pm

Dear heartbrokenandlost,

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain right now.

Take gentle care of yourself.


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