Jails, Institutions ,Death. Death won this time

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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DreamyK
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Jails, Institutions ,Death. Death won this time

Post by DreamyK » Tue Mar 29, 2016 2:18 am

It's been a very long time since I've been on this forum and I'm thankful that it's still here for those who have loved ones that are addicts. It took me many years to recover to the extent that I have after having been married to an addict for 10 years. I could not have done it without this forum. I came here hurt, angry, confused and scared wanting to know what to DO about my AH. You see, I didn't know that I was as sick as him, even though I was completely sober. I learned about the 3 C's, about setting boundaries that I could keep, about learning to love from afar and about learning how to love myself again. When I arrived on this forum I thought it was in my Control to love this man enough that it would beat his real love, drugs. I thought I could Cure him of his addiction, even though I didn't Cause his addiction. I stayed with him through 7 rehabs, 2 DUIS, 1 5150, a chemical stroke at the age of 43 and then the day came when I put my foot down and filed for legal separation, thinking surely (!!) this would be the wake up call he needed. I arrived at the house not too long after moving out, to go pick up my mail. My AH was there, on the love seat, overdosed with a needle stuck in his arm and baggies in his clothes. At that moment, clarity hit me. As I stood there, looking at him, I thought to myself "I should just leave, let him go to his fate". I finally realized I was as sick as he was. I shook myself, called 911 and watched as they administered medical treatment, then I left once they transported him to the hospital. That day I called my attorney and told her to file for a divorce, the legal separation wasn't the Cure and I needed to save myself because my children needed me. That was 10 years ago. I got better, made some mistakes, took to drinking for a period of time, made some more mistakes and finally got to a healthier and happier place in life. The phone call I had been expecting for 10 years came last week. My former AH was dead, at the age of 55. I had spoken to him on the phone, from another state, a few months prior and he sounded good, said he was doing better, that he had gotten off of methadone and was on morphine now. Yes, he had found a Dr. that would buy into his addiction and give him the real stuff, courtesy of medicare. He thought he was better being on morphine. Not too long after that he had pneumonia and had to be hospitalized. Surprise! Morphine is a respiratory depressant and the ex-AH had to be detoxed. I can only imagine then, what transpired. I received a call from family members a week later telling me that he had been committed to the State Mental Institution. Nothing angers an addict more than having his drugs taken away from him. He still had not reached rock bottom. He was released from the Insane Asylum, drug free, but not of sober mind and willing spirit. It's likely his dr refused to prescribe morphine or opiates to him again after the detox. Like any addict, not serious about recovery, if they can't get it legally, they'll do it street wise. The toxicology screens aren't done yet, that'll take a few months. I'd say it's a fairly good bet to say he found himself some heroin, injected the "usual" and died from that last dance with drugs. Our son is now almost 18 yrs old. He hasn't seen his dad in person since he was 7. Custody and visitation boundaries included unscheduled drug testing to include hair testing and that gave some strength to the boundaries I had set about being clean and sober if he wanted contact with our son. There was a period of time when he would call once a week to touch base with our son, but it's hard for kids to talk to someone on the phone, tell them about their life and goings on when they haven't seen them in a very long time. Our son began to say he didn't want to talk to his dad anymore. He said his dad wasn't a role model he wanted to emulate, had no wisdom to impart to him and wouldn't be a person he would want to associate with even if he was sober at that point. I stopped making him answer the phone every Sunday. Time passed, and then the call came that his dad had died. This 17 yr old boy flew alone for the first time to another state, to see relatives he hadn't seen since he was a toddler, to pay his final respects to his dad at his memorial. He flew out a boy and he returned a man. A man who stood up at his fathers memorial and looked everyone straight in the eye and spoke what was on his heart. It was a message of redemption, forgiveness, guilt and a hope that his dad was finally at peace. You see, he feared that his dad's addiction was contagious. That he, too, would fall into the pit of addiction that led towards mental illness..it was so hard to figure out which came first..the mental illness or the addiction? It doesn't really matter, it's a fairly common thing with addicts. What my son found was family members who were just like him, normal people, with normal struggles and not suffering from addiction or alcoholism. And at that moment, he found redemption for himself, could leave his guilt behind, remember the man his father had been before addiction took him away and know that he had a future ahead of him that didn't include his fathers legacy. Death won this time with the addict, but with that death, a boy became a man and shook off the dismal future he thought faced him, and found hope and a future. It's entirely fitting that I come to this forum today, a decade later, and share his death with others who know what it's like to have a loved one that's an addict. Was it a happy ending for the addict? No, it was not. But this isn't an addicts forum, this is for family and friends of loved ones who are addicts. I am here to tell you today, that I survived and eventually thrived. That my children, while scarred by their fathers/step fathers addiction, have hope and a future and a strong sense of what boundaries are. That each action comes with a consequence, each person you allow into your life can either add to it or subtract from it. To chose wisely. There is hope for a brighter future for all of us. God bless each and everyone on this forum that helped me. I hope I was able to help someone on here by posting this today. This post is for you.

Phyllis
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Re: Jails, Institutions ,Death. Death won this time

Post by Phyllis » Tue Mar 29, 2016 9:19 am

Wow. This is an amazing post! Thank you so much for your share. Although I feel heartbroken your x did not take the opportunity to live his life on life's terms and be happy, joyous and free as a result, this brings much hope to those of us still in the mindset of hoping WE can change the addict. That somehow our actions will produce the result we all crave for our ALO's. No matter what we do we will not change the addict. I'm so glad I popped on this morning and read this. You are a true blessing & gift to many more than your children. Peace.

Calikathie
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Re: Jails, Institutions ,Death. Death won this time

Post by Calikathie » Tue Mar 29, 2016 10:32 am

Thank you for sharing.

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Melissa
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Re: Jails, Institutions ,Death. Death won this time

Post by Melissa » Fri Apr 01, 2016 2:19 pm

Dearest DreamyK,

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your former addict husband. You have my deepest sympathies and understanding that few others can know.
Thank you for sharing your story of love and compassion. I wish your son continued healing and a life of grace and understanding. He sounds like a fine young man--raised by a wise and loving mother.

(We lost our son on January 29, 2016 due to a drug overdose.)

Blessings to you and your family.

(((hugs)))
Melissa
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On the path to discover the peace of God, which transends all understanding.

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Lauraleeg
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Re: Jails, Institutions ,Death. Death won this time

Post by Lauraleeg » Sat Apr 02, 2016 5:23 pm

Powerful post,thank you
Dwell in Possibility.

DeanW
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Re: Jails, Institutions ,Death. Death won this time

Post by DeanW » Sun Apr 03, 2016 7:26 pm

Thank you for sharing this. Your son sounds like an amazing young man. TYFS - God bless...

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