What now?

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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What now?

Post by cat91 » Thu Apr 09, 2015 11:48 pm

I am new to this. I just found this website today. I am not really sure how I even got here.
MY boyfriend just passed away in January. We dated for years and were planning on marriage. I have never had so much fun with someone in my life or felt so safe with someone. He was a chef in NY. I met him in one of his restaurants he was dancing behind the counter like a loser and I was immediately interested. We fell in love quickly it was like something out of a movie. I know it sounds corny but it was. We would run around NY trying new restaurants, staying up fro two days dancing and drinking. I was twenty when we met so I of course thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened and that my lifestyle at the time was okay. Words cannot describe how loving he always was. He would not say anything negative about anyone every. He only wanted to dance and eat, which was fine with me. For the first two years it was perfect. We moved in together quickly and bought a dog almost immediately. We both worked constantly and on our days off we would turn off our phones and watch Xfiles all day until we couldn't keep our eyes open. We took turns cooking for each other and sometimes would lay in bed all day talking about absolutely nothing. Work started to get more stressful and I was finishing school. He was not doing very well and it was obvious. He didnt come home one day for 10 hours and the police called and told me he had been arrested. He came home over 24 hours later with heavy withdraws. My heart broke for him. We tried everything we could to help him. He tried so hard. He went to ibogaine treatment and came back a "super star". flash forward a month he is drinking and clearly doing other things. We fought and fought until I told him he needed to leave and go back to where he was from and get some help. I assumed he would go home get some help and then we would be back together. WE fought and fought then made up after he got clean. I was planning a surprise trip to see him. A week before I was supposed to leave I got a call from him brother that He has overdosed and had passed away. My heart is broken and will continue to break more and more daily. I wish i coudl have done more to help him. I wish I could hug him and tell him that It is going to be okay and that i love him more than anything.

I feel guilty about the last two months before he died. I distanced myself intentionally so that he would get better and we would start over somewhere else. We fought all the time the last couple months. He went home and so did I. We spoke on christmas and New years. We went on and on about how it will all be okay and that it is just something he needed to work with. I love him and miss him and I am sick of feeling guilty like I could have done something about it.
there are so many people I wish I could help.

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Re: What now?

Post by jeanette » Fri Apr 10, 2015 7:52 am

I am so sorry for your loss , cat. many of us here have also lost loved ones.

you didn't cause the addiction
you can't control the addiction
you can't cure the addiction

This is the truth that those of here have learned.
The truth is also that he loved you
His addiction was just strong
but it in no way means he didn't love you.

This program has taught me that I had to do things to protect myself
things my loved one didn't like at all

but coming here and healing is for me -
please keep coming back
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: What now?

Post by grateful » Tue Apr 14, 2015 10:32 pm

Welcome. How hard it is to lose a person we love and so unexpectedly. It puts us on a painful emotional roller coaster that we don't remember buying a ticket to ride. Thinking our thoughts, feeling our feelings, sharing with people who care, eating, sleeping and doing something just for us daily helps us cope better as we do what we need to do to work through the grief.

Using drugs is always risky behavior. It is playing with a loaded gun and hoping the next time the trigger is pulled, the chamber is empty - until it isn't anymore. Even if we can wrestle the loaded gun from the person who keeps pulling the trigger, unless they wake up to the fact they are in serious trouble, they'll just go out and find another loaded gun when we're not around.

You did what you could to help. You chose to take care of yourself and refused to enable his continued drug use and you loved him. Nothing you could do or say would have stopped him from using drugs. He had to make that decision for himself and didn't. We are totally powerless over our loved ones and their addiction. The best we really can do is take good care of ourselves, love them enough to give them to their HP, and get out of their way. You did that.

Keep coming back.
Seek beauty

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Re: What now?

Post by Lyndi » Thu Apr 16, 2015 7:02 pm

Dear cat91:
Reading your post got me to thinking that the nature of this disease, called addiction has so many faces like medusa in greek mythology, each one so gruesome. You are describing a heartache similar to what many of us feel who have lost our loved one, the regrets, guilt, broken heart and injured spirit. Our loved one's behavior while in active addiction was at times not tolerable, it hurt us and hurt them. We screamed, cried, seduced, bribed, whatever we could think of, but the disease was in control.
We haven't been given the gift of a peaceful ending, not even the ability to say goodbye except in our soulful prayers. We have been given life and love and it is those gifts that we must respect, as hard as it is.
my love to you and my profound sympathy,

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