its a living hell

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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Lyndi
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its a living hell

Post by Lyndi » Wed Mar 25, 2015 9:44 am

It's been 12 weeks since my beloved Robert Kyle left his mortal life at age 23 and with so much hope for months before he died. He succumbed again when physical exhaustion and no decompression time due to excessive working hours cut into his meetings that he connected to. the cravings and pscyhological submission to futility, and I think pure habitual self soothing behaviors are near impossible to ride through when one is exhausted and living in an environment that isn't 150% designed for recovery. He was and his spirit continues to live on as a beautiful soul, from the moment he was born, his soul just emanated a peace and wisdom. he loved strongly and knew he was much loved. It does take more than love to raise a child. We all thought including himself that he was going to make it, he had faced with such courage the lonesome and grueling battles to change and grow. Grow he did, and what an amazing man he became in such a short time once he embraced the 12 steps and the will to live accepting life on life's terms. He dedicated himself to helping others when he wasn't working and it was just beautiful to watch.
It is slowly coming to me that nothing I think, do , feel or say will bring him back. the regrets, hind sight revelations, guilt, at times do over power me. While those thoughts can become toxic if I allow them to dominate, they are there and I sense that I must give them their due or they will rule me. The program, my groups, and other sources give me helpful tools however it is really the personal outreach from others that is saving me from total bleakness. It is Rob's love and the amazing love for him that has brought people to me and I am deeply grateful. I am learning and growing through accepting their tears and embraces and sharing mine with them.
All that matters to me now is happiness and kindness for people, life is short, I have many behaviors towards others that I am much more aware of that have alienated me from others. i think i never felt safe being close, I never felt confident that I mattered. I know now what power love is and I sense it is the same energy that connects us with the universe and the interconnectedness that we share with all living beings and nature.
I am so full of mourning, of tears, of heartache but I put it in a place for awhile each day to find some enjoyment and productivity with others and on behalf of myself. sometimes I'm good for a few hours, for 8 hours or 2. but it keeps me going and helps give me that ability to do what I must to get through a day. sometimes there are really good times that nourish my soul.
it helps to share it, I do find that most people do not understand that this part of the loss is the hardest so far, for we are slowly coming to a reckoning of the finality. many people and surprisingly some of my closest friends do not want to share it with me and have actually distanced themselves. I know it is their needs and not a reflection of their feelings for me. they just don't have it to share nor do they want to use what energy they have to think about Rob's passing with me. But they are thinking of him and talking to him.
I called my son, Kyle, by his middle name. the immediate family all call him Kyle. but he called himself Robert when he went to first grade (his father is Rob and encouraged him to do so) and he later became Rob in teen years.
It is a parent's challenge to keep their child alive , when they are living to do what it takes to keep them safe, nourish and guide them. If they pass before we do, I am now finding it equally a challenge to keep him alive in memory for the world, that he walked this earth, that he breathed the air with us, that he wore his shoes and traversed the world's paths. that he connected with people, that he was funny, daring, interesting and talented. Because he left so young, he hadn't established a life's work or works, but he had started and he had accomplished much even in addiction and to much extent, it was through addressing addiction that he was finding himself.
I know now that it takes more than addressing just the addiction, the utmost attention must be given to the whole person, the talents, the soul, the connectedness with others for it is what it takes to move through the poison and toxicicty generated by the roads that led to and sustained the addiction. And it must be done on the individual level.
If anyone whose loved one is still breathing should read this, reach out, google, find other strategies and thoughts on treatment than what is being promoted by the traditional treatment providers.
I think I can get out of bed soon, thank you nar anon.com for giving us your wonderful forums. thank you all for sharing your stories, feelings and loved ones with me, you give me strength and comfort knowing we are one, knowing we share a powerful love and knowing we choose to acknowledge the beauty of love.
Lynne

river rock

Re: its a living hell

Post by river rock » Wed Mar 25, 2015 11:38 am

I too have an addict named Rob, jft he is
Clean, its been a rough road of recovery
For him, but it is his. I pray I am never in your
Shoes. People don't know how to deal with death.
They don't know whether to talk about it or not
For fear of upsetting you, or reminding
You of him, as if you would forget, its an uncom
For table subject for some. My sister lost a 6 year
Old, and that's how I know some about it.I can
Tell you time helps. You will never
Get over him,nor would you want to. You can bring
Him up to people and find the ones who you can
Talk to about him.we are always here.I am so sorry
For your loss.
Love River rock

BeeBee
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Re: its a living hell

Post by BeeBee » Wed Mar 25, 2015 1:25 pm

Dear Lyndi -

It will be 2 years for my son soon. I can't believe it. I have a lot of good days strung together and I get so scared sometimes when I have bad days because I know how bad they are and I am afraid I won't ever get out...

Hold your good memories close as they will sustain you through these dark times. I found it helpful to put together a memorial video complete with pictures/songs/quotes and posted it on youtube for family and friends. I also made Memorial albums for all of his military buddies that came to stay with us for his Memorial. It was reaaally hard, but very cathartic.

We also spent a lot of time with his friends the first year. Had them over at different times for dinner and would swap stories, good memories and love.

I have not finished all the albums. Could only get through 3 of them. I have about 8 more to go.

Take it easy on yourself and always find time to do something special for you. From your son. He would want that for you.

Hugs to you Lynne.

xoxoxo

Lyndi
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Re: its a living hell

Post by Lyndi » Fri Mar 27, 2015 6:57 am

thank you both for caring to read and reply. It means so much that you want to connect. I feel very alone in this even though I know there are many who have lost a child. thank you for understanding I don't know what it takes to get to the 1 year mark yet, but I know I will. thanks for helping to be a light to follow

BeeBee
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Re: its a living hell

Post by BeeBee » Fri Mar 27, 2015 2:14 pm

Lyndi,

I know what you mean about feeling alone. I do too sometimes. Yes I completely get it. This is what helps me get through the bad days... one or two good days... so then I do more good stuff so that I can string more good days together.... so it is moment by moment, day by day. Pretty soon the year mark will have come and gone... hopefully fill your life up with so much good stuff it crowds out the bad....

Kind of like a diet... eat as much healthy crap so there is no room for junk food and bad stuff....

Cram your life full of so much good stuff Lynnn.... no room for bad stuff.

hugs... xoxoxo

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grateful
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Re: its a living hell

Post by grateful » Wed Apr 01, 2015 9:50 pm

Although my son is still existing, I lost him many years ago in multiple ways. I understand the grief that is so deep, it is difficult to find words to express it. I also know the courage and strength it takes to get up out of bed, face the day, and press on trusting in your HP even though an axe has cut a deep wound in your heart that won't heal quickly and probably not completely. Perhaps we honor the lives of our loved ones more when we do get up and try again to live life on life's terms - even though initially that living on may be slow and painful? Thank you for sharing your memories of your son as he lived with us. I would think he is very proud of his Mother who is obviously very proud of her son? It is good that you are being gentle with yourself and reaching out to others to be there with and for you. May you be surrounded by the comfort and love of friends and family members and aware of your HP's nearness to you as you do the hard work of grieving through to the degree that you can this sorrowful and unexpected loss in your life. May the special times you shared with Robert Kyle give you some measure of peace and the knowledge that you carry him with you in your heart and in your mind help bathe the wounds in your heart with some healing balm. :)
Seek beauty

Lyndi
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Re: its a living hell

Post by Lyndi » Sun Apr 05, 2015 9:09 pm

thank you for your beautiful thoughts and expression.

Goldenrain
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Re: its a living hell

Post by Goldenrain » Fri Jun 05, 2015 1:41 pm

Dear Lyndi,
I have tears running down my face, I am so moved by your grief and your strength, and your tender tribute to your beloved son, my God he was so loved! My son, a heroin addict among other things, began drug addiction at 14. Ten years later and again in rehab - this time through Salvation Army ARC's long term program because he was homeless, we pray for his healing and recovery. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to dwell on whether he makes it, whether he lives or dies, I'm powerless. Addiction is a land-mine. The addict may step on the land-mine and it may disable them, it may kill them, but everyone around them gets hit with the shrapnel. You and your son are in my prayers this moment, for your continued healing and peace, for him ~ another special angel in heaven.
Thank you for such a courageous and touching share.
Goldenrain
~ I ka lani malama ho iki mai la ka 'nani' ~
(In the heaven's brightness beauty is revealed)

Gone Tomorrow
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Re: its a living hell

Post by Gone Tomorrow » Tue Jun 09, 2015 9:32 pm

Tears for you tonight, and prayers for strength,

Gone Tomorrow
"The first hundred years are the hardest"- my grandmother

Evalyn
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Re: its a living hell

Post by Evalyn » Wed Oct 07, 2015 3:57 pm

Thank you everyone for sharing how you are staying strong. I was reading these and crying when my 17yo AS called to ask me to pick him up from a residential treatment center. He will not be ready to leave for some time yet, and then it will be for a group home. Your stories give me the strength to say the right things to him, that he needs to work with the staff and take things day at a time - work on getting his HS diploma and realize he has more work to do in recovery. We are brand new to Nar-Anon but it is making things clearer already, just for today. Peace to you - please know you are helping so many others who are lost and need to find our way.
~~

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