Heartbroken and hurting

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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Heartbroken and hurting

Post by nandn111213 » Fri Nov 21, 2014 12:53 pm

Some friends told me about this group, and if it was my friend I would advise them to seek the counsel of people who know what it's like to be going through something like this, and it isn't easy, but I'm trying to take my own advice. I live pretty far away and the closest actual meetings are five hours from here, so I'm grateful for this online forum. I've been reading people's stories and I'm saddened and very sorry to hear about what people have been/are going through.

Up until this point I have been naive about drugs and addiction. I didn't understand the severity of the problem, I didn't understand addiction. I'm lucky because I have never been around heroin or been around people using it, or really any drugs for that matter, especially heroin. I've never really even heard stories of people using it. But I'm coming to discover, to my horror, that it is much more prevalent than I ever imagined. I'm stunned by not only the sheer scope of it, but by the ripple effect as well.

My introduction to this ugly world was harsh and cruel. Last month my fiance died from a heroin overdose. I didn't even know he had a problem, I didn't know about the addiction. He was 35.

He and I met in high school, we became neighbors when my family moved to that town. We dated off and on for a few years back then, but I moved away to go to college and we lost contact with each other. He was my first love and I never truly stopped thinking of him and always wondered if we would ever see each other again. And then last November, after a decade of hearing nothing about him, we reconnected out of the blue and those feelings from so long ago were rekindled immediately. Imagine my surprise when he told me that all this time he had been thinking about me too! So here we were, both in our 30's, never married, no kids. The sparks flew and we knew, we just knew, that we were meant to be together.

But there was a problem - we were thousands of miles apart. He wanted to move to come be with me, but there was an even bigger problem - he had just gotten out of prison two weeks before and was on parole for the next 18 months and couldn't leave the state. Well yeah, that is a problem. After the tragic death of his mom, who he was very close with, apparently he got involved with some unsavory people and drugs. He got busted for selling and did a few years in prison for it, but I didn't think that was the worst thing in the world. We decided that the distance would be difficult, but we would make it through and he could move when his parole was over, and I would go visit him when I could, which was every few months.

Dealing with parole was nothing short of a nightmare. The system is broken and doesn't help anyone. All he wanted to do was get away from that place and start a new life, but he couldn't, he was trapped there, trapped in the place that led him into trouble to begin with. He talked so much about how he regretted the choices he had made and all he wanted to do was start fresh and actually do something with his life. He was constantly frustrated and stressed, but he was doing so good! He was living with his dad, which was the safest place for him to be while on parole. He got a good job and was working about 60 hours a week, he had just gotten a raise. He was passing all of his random ua's, going to his weekend alcohol and drug classes, and going to all of his parole meetings. He only had to make it until May and then it would be over.

Things were difficult for us at times, no long distance relationship is easy, but we were okay and enjoyed the time we got to spend together when I was there. We did so much fun stuff! We went to the symphony and the zoo and the aquarium and the renaissance fair and went to see my favorite comedian perform, among other things. We were making plans for the future. We wanted to get married, we got rings in August. We wanted a home and a family. He wanted a life and a future with me and I with him. We were happy.

But at the end of September things suddenly changed, he changed. He started pulling away from me and I didn't understand why. At the beginning of September I suffered a devastating blow to my career and have been extremely stressed and grumpy (still trying to figure out what I'm going to do on that front), and he was having a string of unlucky things happen and was even more stressed than usual, so I chalked his bad attitude up to stress and depression and figured he just needed some time to cool off. But not even two weeks later the unthinkable happened. His dad called me in the morning and said that he had woken up and found him dead. His poor dad :'( No parent should have to go through what he's going through.

It doesn't make sense! How can he have died from a heroin overdose?! He doesn't do drugs! He told me over and over and over that he was done with all that @%&*! He said that going to prison was his wake up call and he wanted nothing to do with it! He knew that if he got involved with it again he would lose everything, he knew that! How can this have happened?? It's not real, please tell me it's not real.

I've come to realize that his past drug usage was more extensive than I thought. I thought it was more of a I-tried-it-once type of thing and I didn't press him for details about it. But that was obviously not the case. I guess after his mom passed he got into it pretty heavily. I didn't know. He told me he was done with it and I believed him, the only thing that mattered was our future. It never once entered my mind that relapse was a possibility. But I didn't understand the pull that drug has, I didn't know how much he was struggling. I talked to him every single day and I didn't know. His dad saw him every single day and he didn't know. His best friend saw him a couple of times a week and he didn't know. The three people that talked to him the most had no idea what he was going through and we are in utter shock, disbelief and are heartbroken. He hid his demons very well.

Based on the timeline of events and his change in behavior I can pinpoint the day the relapse happened, and he died 33 days later. He had never OD'd before, he would have told me about something like that, but it only takes once. It happened so fast. He died less than 3 weeks before our official one year anniversary.

I need help :( I am so sad and so angry. I hurt all of the time. I can barely eat, I can barely sleep. There has been one day in the last 6 weeks that I haven't cried. I am exhausted and my heart is weary. I am trying to not dwell on the dreams that will now never come true, and I will always cherish the love and happiness we shared. But I'm sick of hearing that time will heal and I'll get through this. I don't want to get through this, I want to be with him! I want the future he promised me! I want the life we were supposed to share! I've loved him for 15 years and we finally got together, but he was stolen away before we even had the chance to truly be together. He never meant for this to happen, he never wanted to hurt anybody. But ultimately he did this to himself and I am angry at him for not seeking help because he didn't have to go through it alone. He had so much to live for and everything going for him and I wish he would have asked for help. It does no good to play the coulda/shoulda/woulda game, and it's hard to not think about what I could have said or done differently, but I know I couldn't save him from himself.

He's the love of my life and always will be. How do I begin to cope with this? How do I get to the point where I don't start crying as soon as I wake up? I know it hasn't been that long yet, and I know the hurt will eventually dull with time, but is there anything I can do to stop hurting all the time? I miss him so much. What do I do?

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Linda (lsv)
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Re: Heartbroken and hurting

Post by Linda (lsv) » Fri Nov 21, 2014 2:18 pm

I am so very sorry for your loss. Addiction stole my life...my sanity. The only thing that helped me regain some sense of sanity is this program. There are online meetings four nites a week; the schedule is in Announcements. I attended just about every online meeting for a very long time. I also read and shared on the forum. I began to understand the program. I began to understand that the only person I can control and change is me. This program is simple, not easy. It involves going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps. Slowly, I began to change. Please stay close during this difficult time. You are not alone.


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Re: Heartbroken and hurting

Post by warriorsurrendered » Fri Nov 21, 2014 3:14 pm

My heart aches for all those lost to addiction. There are no words to express my deepest sympathy, I can only say 'try your very best to keep breathing"

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Re: Heartbroken and hurting

Post by lbogie » Sat Nov 22, 2014 1:26 am

I'm so sorry your heart is breaking. Prayers to you and your beloved fiancé's Family. May you find Peace and comfort.
Keep coming back. So sorry :(

“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

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