Anger toward my brother

Coping with the loss of a loved one.
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linda.f
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Location: Miami, Florida
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by linda.f » Sat Oct 20, 2012 8:24 am

Amber,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.

We learn here addiction is a "Family Disease". When one is dealing
with an addicted loved one (ALO) the whole family becomes entangled
with this disease. We soon learn we all play a part in it, whether we
realize it or not.

This forum is full of SESH, sharing of experience,strength and hopes.
We have literature and meetings that help us deal with this family disease.
We are a wonderful support group that can give us the tools to cope and understand
this disease and will help us learn to live a better way, whether the addict
is using or not. Even when our ALO has passed on.

I understand the questioning and I understand how hard it is dealing with the
loss of your brother. I have learned we must deal with the consequences
of addiction in our own way. We cannot take on the "pain" of others.
It is thier's to deal with. We also learn acceptance and to shed the guilt.
Most importantly, we learn to put the focus on us so we can begin to learn
more healthy behaviors. As they say here, "Let it begin with me".

I hope you will find here what you need and embrace all this loving support.

We are here for you. We understand.

xo
Live-love-laugh

Linda.f

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PBH777
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by PBH777 » Sat Oct 20, 2012 2:36 pm

Welcome Amber,
I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain you have been through. I can understand your anger. I hope you will keep coming back and post on the family forum, also. There is much experience strength and hope shared here.
Love, njmom

kathyf
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by kathyf » Sat Oct 20, 2012 2:50 pm

Welcome! I understand your anger as I was full of anger myself when I arrived here. I was mad at my son, who is an addict, my ex-husband who is an alcoholic/addict; I was angry at everything addict.

By coming here I have learned new tools to deal with my emotions and have a better understanding of addiction as a family disease, affecting everyone who loves an addict. Learning a new way to operate in my life, amidst the denial and misunderstanding of others who have been impacted, has given me a new lease n life.

Many times I have heard the words "keep coming back, it works when you work it" and I find this to be true for me. There is a wealth of love, support and understanding on this forum and it helps me sort through the muck in my life.

Love,
Kathy

Forgive1
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by Forgive1 » Sat Oct 20, 2012 7:49 pm

Amber,

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I am glad that you found this wonderful forum family.
What you have gone through is what most of us, if not all of us, fear the most, our loved one dying from their addiction.

I have a wonderful, loving well educated, handsome, 26 year old son, that is also a heroin addict.
Just Thursday, on his way to meet me for lunch, he got into a terrible car accident while under the influence and ran from the scene of the accident. He is hurt, has no insurance and is afraid to turn himself in, most probably because, he will go into withdrawal.

It is excruciating for me to know that there is nothing I can do to stop his disease. I do believe it is a disease. I have two other adult children that are not addicts. No one knows why some people are afflicted and others in the same family are not.

I started coming on this forum in March. I am here nearly every day. I have learned a lot about addiction, but more about how I fit into the picture. I now know that I have to detach from my addict to live a sane life.

Thank God my son is still alive, I still have hope he will overcome his addiction and find his way back to his life. Just last Saturday he went to the funeral of a young woman he knew who overdosed on heroin. It was the second such death in the last four months.

I pray every day that all addicts and their families will be healed. You and your family are now in my prayers.

I hope that all of your great memories of your brother will sustain you in your dark moments. It must be difficult to be so far away. I am glad you have your wife and that new baby (Poppy?) on the way. I can just imagine the joy the baby will bring into your lives.

There is a saying here, " Keep coming back." I hope you do. I know you will gain much solace and wisdom.

Peace to you,
Heidi

WorkInProgress
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by WorkInProgress » Sun Oct 21, 2012 12:42 pm

It sounds as if you have a wonderful wife and child. You deserve to enjoy them.
Last edited by WorkInProgress on Sat Nov 10, 2012 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
I got hold of something that kept me from going under, and I'm not going to let go of it. . . Not for anyone. The Days of Wine and Roses

Findinghope
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by Findinghope » Wed Oct 24, 2012 3:05 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost a sibling 5 years ago. My sister did not OD, so while I can understand your pain, I know there is a level I cannot. But my heart goes out to you.
I have always heard that there are 7 stages of grieving. And I got so angry with her for leaving me, leaving her kids. Just dying in general.
This might sound loopy, and probably is, but then again, Everyone deals with grief differently. I dealt with my anger by yelling at my sister. I would just talk and yell out loud (at her) when I was by myself driving in the car. I went to her grave,and yelled at her. (Thank goodness no one was there to hear :roll: )
But I had to get it out somehow and for me it worked.
I hope you are able to find a way to deal with this. Hugs
You can't think your way into a new way of living . . . you have to live your way into a new way of thinking.

dtosh
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by dtosh » Thu Oct 25, 2012 12:57 pm

I am sorry for your loss. As a father who lost a daughter to an overdose, I know exactly what you are going through. In fact, I, along with my wife, run a meeting for those who lost someone to addiction and your anger, confusion, frustration, grief, guilt, etc. are all too familiar. It is just part of dealing with this and we all have those feelings to cope with in one form or another. The sadness of it all will never go away, but you will learn to cope with it and, hopefully, find a way to appreciate and enjoy life as you once did. You will also find your anger subsiding, eventually, but that takes time and an understanding on your part. As with any recovery, it takes work - and recovering from such a loss as this is no exception. Time may heal wounds, but wounds attended to with diligence heal much faster and much better than if left alone.

The idea of addiction being a disease is an idea difficult for many to get their heads around, but the medical community and experts in the field are in agreement on this - for good reasons. However, it is not something that needs to be accepted in order to understand that addicts are enslaved to drugs and much of their behavior is dictated by the beast enslaving them. The ability to choose is lost (or nearly lost) very early on in addiction when one's own mind and body begin fighting against a personal desire, or will, to stop using drugs. Imagine having to fight your own brain for control - but that is what happens and it is the most difficult thing anyone could ever have to do. Unfortunately, some fail, and we who love them are left to deal with the sorrow and tears that their tortured life - and death - bring. You are not alone.
Thank you for listening.
Dave

Freedom123
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by Freedom123 » Fri Nov 02, 2012 10:01 pm

I'm so sorry to hear this, Amber. I just returned to the US after a few years abroad and 7 years away from the east coast. I lost my dad to heroin many years ago. I am losing my brother... he is an addict and in the prison system.. and they just 'accidentally' released him tonight. Whatever that means. So now I am worried again.. My mom is an addict but 'functional'.. if you will.. My mom is amazing and I love her but Im scared to death about her, too. She was taking some of my grandmother's meds from her.. I watched her just the other day. I feel like I could cry 24 hours a day 7 days a week, if I didnt stop myself. I used to take antidepressants but stopped because of the side effects. I think I really need to get back on them. Im so tired of being sad and worrying. I thought leaving PA would make it all better. Nope! If anything it made it worse. At least I can still see my grandparents, but they are so old. Im shaking and crying right now thinking about when they die. All I ever really do is worry. Life isn't fun anymore.. if it ever really was. Sorry, I guess I am supposed to be trying to make you feel better! I should appreciate what I have and see it in perspective but I just cant. Im single and really dont have any friends.. there are people I used to know that I could contact from my past but I just dont want to. I dont know. . I really like this forum and this group and I think you will find some serenity here. Again, I'm very sorry to hear about your brother. X

thisuserisdead
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by thisuserisdead » Tue Jan 01, 2013 10:10 pm

I would like to make a short comment on one thing you said. Your parents want you to keep his cause of death a secret. I have been in a similar position, as I lost my "Irish twin" eleven years ago. It still hurts every day. And just recently,I learned that my baby brother is also a heroin addict. I was very angry for a very long time. I realized that the shame I felt over my brother dying from an OD was adding more weight to my misery. Shame is such a heavy burden. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Also, if you deny the truth, you may be forced to create lies in its place. I am sorry for your loss and I hope that you are able to overcome your anger and deal with this tragic loss.

kimbercat
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by kimbercat » Tue Jan 15, 2013 8:26 am

Hi Amber. You sound so much like my own daughter that I just wanted to reach out to you. My son is the addict in our family, and although circumstances are a bit different from yours, I see the similarity in how much pain her brother's addiction and what it does to our family hurts my daughter, as your brother's has hurt you. We have not lost our son to death....yet....although I know it's a very real possibility, and I can only imagine how agonizing it is to those of you who have lost your loved ones. My daughter claims that she no longer feels anything except anger towards her brother, but I know that anger comes from pain that she just can't accept at this point. So she has completely detached from him, although they were never all that close, and just can't understand why we, as his parents, can't do the same. She's always been the "perfect one" of our two children....always did well in school, is responsible, caring, and always does "the right thing".....but I've made it a point NEVER to compare the two of them because they're just different people. That doesn't mean that I've ever accepted our son's drug use or any of his other flaws, but I also know that he'll never live up to her standards. I've tried very hard to praise her for everything she has accomplished in her life, and make it a point to tell her how proud of her I am and how much I love her, but I've also tried to explain to her that her brother doesn't WANT to be an addict, and that he's sick, and that although I hate what he's doing to us right now, I'll always love him and have hope that he'll find his way to getting better. I guess my point is that I'm so sorry your pain is causing you so much anger, and one of my greatest fears is that my son WILL end up losing his life to this horrible disease like your brother did before my daughter has a chance to find a way to deal with her pain other than through her anger with him. I'm afraid that would cause her tremendous guilt if she doesn't get the chance to make her peace with him, even if she doesn't think she wants that opportunity now. I know that anger is one of the stages of grief that many people go through before they can move on to acceptance, and I hope you can find your own way along that path. In the time frame between your posts, I see definite progression in that direction, and I hope that continues for you. I'm so sorry that your parents don't seem to be dealing with your brother's addiction and loss in a very "healthy" way, and that you're left feeling betrayed by them as well. It's reassuring to hear that your wife sounds very supportive to you, and I hope that brings you comfort along with the upcoming birth of your child. This forum also sounds like a very good place for you to come for some insight into your own feelings, and to realize what a wonderful daughter, sister, and person you are whether your parents are able to acknowledge it or not. Be proud of your accomplishments, and love yourself so that you can be a loving mother and wife in turn. As I'm learning on this journey, we can only "fix" ourselves, as much as we might want to try to "fix" those that we love, and I hope you can find that peace and happiness in yourself and the loving family that you're building on your own. If others you love are able to do the same for themselves, so much the better for all of you. I'm sure you're going to be a wonderful parent. Congratulations, and I wish you peace.

mananaja
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Re: Anger toward my brother

Post by mananaja » Fri Aug 14, 2015 11:39 pm

sharing of experience,strength and hopes.

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