What to tell the kids and acquaintances?

[Lynette]

Hello,

I would have been divorced from an alcoholic/addict for 4 years now, but he died of an overdose in December. I loved him very much and always will, but he couldn't get control of the addiction and I had to separate myself from him. We have 9 year old twin girls. They know he had an illness to do with alcohol and I told them his death was related to that. (Made sure to tell them he loved them so much and it had nothing to do with any of us....etc). But how much do I tell them? They tell people they don't really know how their dad died and I know that bothers them. And what do we tell others who are not very close with us? I don't want to "hide" the fact that he was an alcoholic/addict because that is part of the problem with it (everyone is so ashamed and secretive and it creates a vicious cycle of shame and secrets...). But I also don't want my kids to be judged for their father dying of an overdose. Of course it is none of some people's business, but like I said, I hate the fact that we feel like we have to hide the reasons behind his death.

[Findinghope]

Oh wow, been struggling this morning with something close to this, but not the same issue. I had my nephew asking me questions about his moms death this morning. So I can relate to your post. I have had people ask me straight out what she died from. My sister was 34 when she passed. her death was not addiction related. I can understand peoples curiosity but I don't like talking about it ,because it brings up a lot of pain for me. With her sons it is different, I can understand their need to know, but her children were very young when she died so I try to keep it simple when we discuss it because of their ages.
Her youngest does not remember her at all. I thought about asking friends and family to write down some of their favorite memories of her. And then type them up for the boys to read. Still thinking about this....
My prayers for you,and your children. So sorry about the loss of your loved one.

[river rock]

I feel that I need to tell only who I want, what I
want, about anything in my life. I would use he passed away
about a year ago, and depending what people ask or how I feel,
I might add to it, he had addiction issues, he had some mental
health issues that caused bad health, or whatever else you may,
or may not want to say. As the girls grow older you can add to what
you want to tell them too, you dont have to do it all right now. The main
thing I have learned is do what I am comfortable with. You dont have to
keep it a secret, on the other hand , kids can be cruel to kids with what
they know. I always just look at the situation and do what I feel works for
me and mine. There are no rules that you have to do it differently. There
may come a day when the girls may need some counseling with their
dads death, and it will have to be addressed. Just move on your feelings.
Since I have started this program, I have learned so many things for me
to do differently, thats helps me. and most of the time I feel good about
the decisions.
Love River rock

[Melanie40]

I know that fear of kids being judged.
I know that feeling of not knowing what to say or who I can say it too.
I know that feeling on wanting to be honest but struggling to not break hearts with the truth that they wanted to hear.
I know the feelings of not wanting people to ask questions and not knowing what to say.

I found a safe place where I could share what I felt. What me struggles were. A place where I was not judged. A place where I got love and support to help me figure things out.

It is a slow gradual process. There was no quick fix like ripping off the band-aid and being done with the truth.
I started with meeting and it help me. I started reaching out to others in the rooms for their experience, strength, and hope. I started to get better. I begin to find ways to heal. To cope with my struggles and find my answers.
Then I started applying them with my kids. Then a narateen meeting opened. And there was now a place for them to do the same. They get a room full of peers who understand how they feel.

Look for a Nar-Anon meeting. It is the best thing I did for myself and my kids. If there is no narateen, ask the group to consider one. There is also, alanon and a lateen.

Keep coming back.

Melanie

[Sooki]

This is the absolute hardest part of our addicted love ones. We back away from so many of our dearest friends due to the shame of it all. We hide, we are no longer that funny out going spirit we once were. I too am haveing the hardest time with our grown girls. If they knew the truth of this, I fear they won't bring my Grandchildren here any longer. Honey, we are all in the same boat. I titled yesterday truth time with my friends, how strange it is that I could fess up to them, but not to our 2 grown Daughters.
My heart lives within yours. be easy on yourself today. Your words will come at the exact moment they are supposed to. I have to believe this as well.

Tonight's meeting is at 8:00 PM, I fear I may not make it as we have a trip to make at Home Depot this evening. Once in there, it's tough getting out. I will work at trying to be in our chat, I can't promise so please forgive me.

I Love you all so very much.
Sooki, Lucinda

[judyg]

I'm sorry for your loss. My ex-H died of an OD about 2 years after our divorce. We had been married 19 years. I understand the flurry of emotions. My children were older--the youngest was 16 at the time. I thought I was honest with them about the cause of their father's death, but when my youngest was in his first rehab a few years later he broken down in family group and told me how much it hurt him that he had to hear it from a friend of his that his dad died of an OD. I guess I tried to sugar coat it, the way I always did (do?). If I had to do it again, there would be full disclosure all the way through.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. Keep coming back.

Judy

[tarabame]

Be completely honest. If the kids are judged by the other kids, it might be a blessing in disguise to weed out the people who are going to become shallow, judgmental, unsympathetic humans in the future. Plus all of their parents - - the ones who no longer want their children to communicate with your daughters aren't worth the time of day anyways. After my dad OD'd in 91, my mom 'sugar coated' everything and sometimes told lies to 'protect' us but all it did was damage us in the long run, and caused some resentment issues too. There were cruel kids who passed judgment, and some parents wouldn't let their kids be friends with us anymore, but that's just insanely ridiculous.

[marthamay]

I haven't sugar coated anything with my kids. I have always told them the truth, for their own protection. When my AH nearly died from drugs, I made sure my kids were aware of everything going on and got support and talked through all of their questions and fears. Life isn't easy and they need to learn how to cope with it. I believe shielding them from the truth is harmful and prevents them from developing coping skills. There are always people who want to judge others for one reason or another, my kids have learned to deal with that.

In addition, addiction has a genetic component. There is a strong, long family history of addiction in my AH's family and since my children share those genes, they needed to know this. It also helps them to understand my boundaries of no alcohol/drug use in my home. They were all told from a young age that if they choose to tempt fate and use then they will no longer be allowed to live in my home. I got grief from some extended family members when my son turned 21 and didn't go out to the bar to have his first drink and celebrate. I was told that he's an adult, he can choose if he wants to drink or not. That is correct, it is totally his choice. But he knows the facts about addiction, and he also knows if he chooses to take a drink he is choosing to live elsewhere. My home, my rules, end of subject.

Take what you need and leave the rest.
Love to you.