Missing my son

[Texasnative]

I haven't posted in a while. I seem to get upset just posting and yet I do feel some comfort when others respond.

Today is my daughter's 30th birthday. I want so much to not be sad, but I find that my other child's birthday is bringing me additional grieving for my 25 year old son who died of an overdose 3 months ago. I know she is also grieving her brother's loss and will probably have a problem celebrating her own birthday without him in her life. This makes me sad for her too.

I was out of town for a bit and returning home on Sunday just hit me so hard again. We had always planned to take a trip together(when things got better), so I took some of his ashes with me and took him to some beautiful places. It was a bittersweet gesture at best.

I still expect to see him, talk to him, get voicemails, texts, something. But there is nothing. One of his good friends from high school send me a card Saturday. He has been clean and sober for five years. He spoke of his feelings of loss for Michael. He knows I wonder why some survive their addiction and others do not. I am proud for him and will tell him so when I write back to him. Although there is no hope for my son, his memory will live on with this wonderful young man and he offers hope for others with an ALO.

The pain is every bit as bad as it was the first day. Worse in some ways because initially I knew nothing else could harm my child. Now it is just so hard to accept he is TRULY gone.

[Linda (lsv)]

I am sorry for your pain and sadness. I do understand it though. I lost a child (a baby) many years ago and I know the pain and struggle it is to find joy with those who are still here. I just could not understand how the sun came up, people went on with their lives like nothing had changed. For me, my world had changed forever. And that still is the truth. The other truth is that my life went on inspite of me. Slowly, I rejoined the world of the living. I had much joy...and much more sadness...and more joy. It is just the nature of life in my experience. I feel your sadness and I feel your conflict about your daughter's birthday. You are not alone...I really do get it.

Love,
Linda

[Joann]

I wish I had the magic words to say to you, but you no there are none.
All I can give you is a great big ((((((HUG)))))))) and let you know
that you are not alone.

XO
Joann

[Melanie40]

Thank you for sharing...even when it is difficult and painful to do; I hope it can bring you some peace.

(((hugs)))

Melanie

[linda.f]

My heart goes out to you as a mother and the bond we share with our
children.
Please take care of you. Lean on us as much as you need to.
Feel our arms around you, surrounding you with our love and
support.

xo

[Findinghope]

I kept wanting to reply last night, but did not know what to say. I hope you can feel our arms around you. Hugs!

[kathyf]

I was just thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing. Thank you for posting and letting us know. Three months is such a short time yet it probably seems like an eternity. I hope you seek comfort wherever you can find it. We are here for you.

Love,
Kathy

[Mpackard63]

Texan, thank you for taking time to respond to me on Tuesday. I can only imagine what my post must have done to your heart yet you gave of yourself to help me.
I went back and read a lot of your journey...I see so much of my life in yours and my heart breaks for you.
I've held tight to the words that you said....that you had at times wondered why God didn't just go ahead and take him, I too have had those thoughts...they hurt me to utter and this is the first time that I've uttered them aloud, so to speak.
I am resolved to love my daughter, despite her addiction, and to try to learn to live with me without rejecting my daughter..tho it is sometimes so hard when she is a constant source of anguish.
I've been praying for you since Tuesday, that you find peace in whichever way that you may.
Thank you again,
Millie

[river rock]

Boy I really need to work my program HARD, cause
if I ever wanted to rescue or fix, it was reading
your post, maybe some codie coming out, maybe
because my son is also my addict and I have no way
of knowing what the future holds for him. My heart
literally breaks for you, the best I can do is say I am
soooo sorry, you are never alone here, and come as
often as you want. May time be your friend, and make
the pain lessen, bit by bit. You are in my prayers.
Love
River rock

[shaktipat]

Dear Texan,
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family during this most difficult grieving time. May the many sweet memories that you and your son collected be a source of love and strength for you now. Our children were and are beautiful even if their physical self is no longer with us.
When I confront the numerous issues with my AS and AD I just want to run away sometimes and sleep. It is all I can do to get back into my own recovery and trust in my HP and theirs.
Your son will always live in your heart.
My cyber arms are wrapping around you. ((HUGS))
Judith

[Forgive1]

Dear Texas,

I can almost imagine the despair of losing a son. Mine was so completely lost in addiction for so long. I thought he would not make it many times. Every day is a struggle for him.

I pray that the good memories you have of your son will sustain you in your sorrow. None of us knows how long we have with our loved ones, addict or not. So, I hope you and your daughter celebrate her birthday with joy, knowing that your son would want you both to be happy.

In my experience loss becomes less painful with each day.

((((HUGS))))
Heidi