I haven't posted in a while. I seem to get upset just posting and yet I do feel some comfort when others respond.
Today is my daughter's 30th birthday. I want so much to not be sad, but I find that my other child's birthday is bringing me additional grieving for my 25 year old son who died of an overdose 3 months ago. I know she is also grieving her brother's loss and will probably have a problem celebrating her own birthday without him in her life. This makes me sad for her too.
I was out of town for a bit and returning home on Sunday just hit me so hard again. We had always planned to take a trip together(when things got better), so I took some of his ashes with me and took him to some beautiful places. It was a bittersweet gesture at best.
I still expect to see him, talk to him, get voicemails, texts, something. But there is nothing. One of his good friends from high school send me a card Saturday. He has been clean and sober for five years. He spoke of his feelings of loss for Michael. He knows I wonder why some survive their addiction and others do not. I am proud for him and will tell him so when I write back to him. Although there is no hope for my son, his memory will live on with this wonderful young man and he offers hope for others with an ALO.
The pain is every bit as bad as it was the first day. Worse in some ways because initially I knew nothing else could harm my child. Now it is just so hard to accept he is TRULY gone.