Simple Definition of Enabling

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Melissa
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Simple Definition of Enabling

Post by Melissa » Sat Jul 31, 2010 10:33 pm

As mentioned in a post on the Forum, here is the link to a good explantion of enabling--with examples---
www.livestrong.com/article/14675-enabling-personality
OUCH--it's right on target and reminds me of work I have to do on myself and it also reminds me of the reasons why Nar-Anon is an important part of my life.

Cheers! To our Recovery!

Melissa
Melissa
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loribinpa

Re: Simple Definition of Enabling

Post by loribinpa » Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:57 am

Wow thanks for sharing that - that is totally me and I need to learn to change - It is so good to know everybody seems to go thru this somepoint in there lives and I can learn to take steps to change my way of thinking

justfortoday

Re: Simple Definition of Enabling

Post by justfortoday » Wed Sep 29, 2010 11:23 am

Wow. That article sums up a lot of me in a nutshell although I don't think I'm a martyr who seeks others sympathy rather I've cut myself off from friends because I don't want to burden them any more. There isn't anything they can do. I've known for a long time that I have to make changes to help myself, but have been paralyzed over the fear of divorce and letting go of my AH and letting him hit his bottom. And I am certainly not a vengeful person that would "spend my life seeking revenge". What a bigger waste of energy THAT would be!! :)

My question is this: I'm thinking about forwarding this article to my AH. We've been separated for almost a month. I reached my bottom in June and it took to three months of buying into his manipulations to avoid moving out before I seriously put my foot down. He continually had "seen the light" and was now drug free (maybe he was for a few days) ... what I was doing was tearing this family apart and causing the children pain (that guilt was a tough one to get over) ... I was being selfish (yes, for once, I think I was), let's not talk about it and have a nice weekend ... etc. etc. I told him I REALLY couldn't live like this anymore and wanted him to be three months clean before we talked about a reconciliation. I've been using this time for a lot of self-reflection and trying to decide whether to pursue a divorce or not.

Back to my question (sorry my posts tend to ramble!): Do I bother sending this to him? I think it might help him understand me and how I'm feeling, what I've been through. I realize that I'm sick too and I need help. I need to work on me and my recovery. I deserve it and my children deserve it. My ultimate goal is to be a healthy mom raising my kids in a healthy environment. Do I use this article to help him see that I'm trying to get out of the way so his higher power can step in? That I'm trying to restore my own sanity? He seems not to understand one iota how his addiction has affected me. Would sending him the article be manipulative? Maybe I am also trying to make him feel bad for what he's done and the situation he's created and I let happen. Would sending this article to him be a waste of time and effort? Yikes -- help!

I realize no one can tell me what to do here, but I think if others share their thoughts and experiences, it will help clarify the situation for me.... thanks! My impulse was to send it to him, but I'm thinking after reading my own post and reflecting a little bit, that maybe I won't.

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Melissa
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Re: Simple Definition of Enabling

Post by Melissa » Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:14 am

Justfortoday--it sounds like you answered your own question on "to share or not to share".
IMHO, your husband has his program and you have yours.
If asked because he sees a difference in you, you might share some of your new perspectives., ala Step four.
However, I have pretty much kept my "new realities" to myself.
Somehow or another when I "share" with my ALO, or even with my spouse, it always leads to an unpleasant conversation that can take a turn to the
proverbial "blame game".
I'm learning to keep my mouth shut.
My recovery is my business.
I do better sharing my progress and stumbles here on the Forum, where I can receive unbiased feedback.
I'm happy you found the article helpful..it was an eye-opener for me.

Blessings to you...
Melissa
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georgiapeach

Re: Simple Definition of Enabling

Post by georgiapeach » Sat Oct 09, 2010 5:49 pm

wow i never realized that i have enabled my AH. my 2 biggest problems:

* Protect others from the consequences of their own actions
* Deflect the hand of fate and soften its blow for others

I have to work on this!

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Melissa
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Re: Simple Definition of Enabling

Post by Melissa » Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:40 pm

Bump up for a good article & information on enabling
www.livestrong.com/article/14675-enabling-personality
Melissa
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river rock

Re: Simple Definition of Enabling

Post by river rock » Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:43 pm

Thanks for this site Melissa, it has alot of good
info on it. Im like Peach with the two biggest
ones, saw myself, but I have been trying to work
on it since coming here, I have so much to work
on with myself, I may have a full time job!
Thanks, Riverrock

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Melissa
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Re: Simple Definition of Enabling

Post by Melissa » Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:20 am

bump
Melissa
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Matilda
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Re: Simple Definition of Enabling

Post by Matilda » Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:39 pm

Wow I needed to read that. I do and feel all those things listed in the article. Thank you for sharing that link.

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