I am so lost and so torn....

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I am so lost and so torn....

Post by Nikkineedshelp » Wed Jul 05, 2017 10:12 pm

My significant other is tearing my life apart. Matter of fact, I really have no life anymore. I used to be the life of the party, and was always outgoing, now I am a hermit. He and I both came out of long marriages, met, fell in love, and married. Four years of being together, we survived his brief addiction to roxy's, only to fall into the hell of meth use. I now find out that meth was a struggle before I came into the picture, he just managed to stay clean for over a year.
He doesn't use 24/7, or sells/steels items to support his habit, but it is when he does use, that he can't control himself. He will go somewhere and watch porn non-stop, I mean hours!!! I will literally not hear from him for 24-hours. Meth actually paralyzes him from speaking. He does tell me that it effects him differently now, then what it used to, but he still gets high.
We decided to start a family, and it was around the time I got pregnant, that he started showing signs of use. I used to be a very strong woman and very independent, but this man has broken all of that down, and I can't figure out how I gave him that power.
He uses for a couple weeks, then binges, then crashes, then stays "sick" for a couples weeks, then cleans up for a week, then cycles starts again. I am 40 yrs old, with a 2 year old, my other children are grown and in college now. This is NOT what he and I dreamed of when we decided to try for another child and marry.
I just do not know what to do. When do I say enough is enough? Do I continue to be here and hope he seeks help? I have no one to confide everything with. I just need someone who understands.

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Re: I am so lost and so torn....

Post by KBev » Thu Jul 06, 2017 11:05 am

Nicki, addiction is really tough. You are not alone, the people on this forum have been through it as well and by sharing their stories are able to relate to others. Keep reading their stories and working on how it is best for you to handle tings. In my experience every addict is different and needs different approaches to helping them. While tough love might work for some it doesn't work for all. You know the person best and will learn what you need to do to love and care for yourself through the journey.

Hugs to you.

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Re: I am so lost and so torn....

Post by vscook » Thu Jul 06, 2017 2:14 pm

Welcome to the forum! Everyone here is dealing with the issues of having an addicted loved one. Check the Naranon website to see if there is a face to face meeting near you. You will meet people who understand your situation and provide support. There are online meetings here on Sunday, Monday and Wednesday evenings. And you can post on the forum 24/7. You are not alone- keep coming back.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: I am so lost and so torn....

Post by 4me » Thu Jul 06, 2017 2:18 pm

Welcome to the forum Nicki!
You are no longer alone in this, hugs.
Here we understand what you are going through.

I too was 40 with my one and only child, a three year old.
The addict in my life then was my husband's alcoholic
father. I barely got over that as best I could. When
my son became an addict at 15. In two months time he
went from clean to an addict on Opiods and a suicide
attempt. It was then I learned about our program. By
then he became a run-away doing Meth and life on the
streets of our city. My heart was broken, I isolated from
friends, I tried to push him into recovery, I blamed myself.
My life revolved around him, I let my health go, our
finances, Rehabs cost a lot they were our choices not his.
I almost lost our small business in my insanity. What help
Could we be without an income.

Then I came here.
I learned the 3C's.
I didn't Cause it,
I can't Control it,
I can't Cure it.

Only the addict can choose clean. All I can control is me
and no one else. The addict won't choose clean with me in
the way of his dignity. They have choices, we have choices.

I chose to work this 12 step program, the kind I wish my
addict would work. The best help I could give was to be a
living example of what might work for my addict. He noticed
our relationship improved a bit but at times we still had to have
a locked door. He became violent at times as his Meth addiction
advanced. I was doing a lot better. All of a sudden my son chose
to stop using. Still not on Meth a year later. Even in recovery he
struggles to lead a life society deems as normal. This all JFT, for
tomorrow he could use again. Addiction is a lifelong disease, it
can be arrested but never cured.

Try sharing in our main forum, you will be heard better there and
should get more replies. For now keep coming back there's tons to
learn. Work it for you my friend, you and your baby are worth it.



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Re: I am so lost and so torn....

Post by Nikkineedshelp » Thu Jul 06, 2017 10:34 pm

Thank you all so much for your replies. This is definitely new territory for me and I need the support. I lost me, I lost who I am, and I lost all my values. I have tried so long to control the situation and I now know that I cannot. It is time to reclaim my life and now knowing that I have somewhere to come makes things sound like it might be possible for me. Thank you all for sharing.

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Re: I am so lost and so torn....

Post by MustBeFit05 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 10:01 am

hang in there.

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Re: I am so lost and so torn....

Post by lovingwife64 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 12:54 pm

Oh gosh - minus the 2 year old - your life sounds like mine with my AH (now ex). His drug of choice was also meth. The same exact patterns you are experiencing were his. I also found out about all the porn. It was the same way. He would lock himself in his shed and watch porn or get on his phone and set up profiles in the meet and **ck websites. He started going through great lengths to hide all the porn from me.

He was also a "working" meth addict for a long time. He didn't go out and do it, he did it in our back yard. But I also figured out that I was the reason he wasn't stealing to do it as I made it easy for him to have the money to spend on drugs. I am also a very independent person and knew exactly what I wanted this third time around. He was everything I wanted and more. But I also found out that he had a history of use before me. He was just able to clean it up and keep it clean long enough to get married. Knowing that I would never marry him if I knew about it. I found myself spiraling in depression, anxiety and hopelessness as I saw all my dreams going down the drain.

There is a life after. Nar-Anon was my saving grace. It helped me to have clarity and to face what I needed to face. I am now divorced and living a life that I never expected to live at my age (52). I just had to be willing to give up what I thought my life was going to be and accept it was going to be something different, though that didn't mean it had to be bad.

I'm here if you want to reach out. Hugs.

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Re: I am so lost and so torn....

Post by MissingHim2016 » Sun Jan 14, 2018 10:37 pm

Welcome! I learned to say enough is enough when my loved one's life started negatively affecting my health and sanity. You are not alone here.

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Re: I am so lost and so torn....

Post by Serenity8 » Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:08 am

Hello Everyone, this is my second day on the forum and after 18 and a half years of dealing with my now Husband and his addiction to Cocaine I am somewhat ready to share my story. when I met him he hid the addiction from me. I never knew anyone personally on drugs so when he told me about it I thought I could handle it. I figured all I had to do was give him extra love and he would be okay. well after 18 years later and two daughter with him and two kids before him( now grown) I am now ready to admit that its not okay and my love is not the answer. We have been married for one year now and I feel like I wont be able to make it through another 18 in this life with him. I sometimes feel like he owe it to me to stay clean and sober and I am not leaving until I get what I deserve. A happy spiritual filled life. But then reality sets in and I realize his addiction/ recovery is not about me. Hes been clean this time for 3 months. the longest he has ever been clean was 6 months. And honestly the clean month are far worse then the using months. He too has an addiction to porn that he denies to realize is also a problem.He would spend hours watching movies and pictures and social media sites of women. Over the years he would rather be intimate with his thoughts and fantasies rather than me. Now in his recovery he tries to find every reason under the sun to pick an argument with me so that could be his excuse to use again. As he sometimes says "I am the reason he relapses" Im at the point where I just want OUT sometimes and I am tired of his addiction determining if its going to be a good day or a bad day and using so much energy to overcome his madness to find " my secret place" I am simply tired of struggling to find peace in a atmosphere of distress. I am on empty running on fumes! Im sorry for the agony we share. But I do know that it wont always be like this. " FAITH IS THE SUBSTANCE OF THINGS HOPED FOR, THE EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT SEEN!"

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