He finally left me 1st

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mommyes
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He finally left me 1st

Post by mommyes » Wed Aug 31, 2016 3:10 am

After 21 years of being with my now ex-husband and 2 gorgeous kids who are also hurting and in pain left to get his own apartment to have peace and serenity from me, he is having sex with other women and heavy into porn. I tried to separate from him this final time with the intention that we could work it out somehow but he saw the opportunity to "be free" and boasts of living a single peaceful life w/o me or his kids who he just wants to visit on the weekends or call every night to be their friend. I am just so hurt and in shock that he could be sooo quick to replace me after I stood by his side with love, tough love, anger, pain, suffering, struggles. I NEED HELP!...I do feel like I stunted his growth as he accused me of, but I just wanted a family and a better way of life and I tried to show him this but his family hated me for this and always tried to get him away from me and blame me for all our marital problems.. My kids and I are safe in a new home in a new town and have plans to move from PA to Florida next year as the job opportunities are better for me there. I never thought I would ever truly be without my husband in my lifetime and would of tried to work it out but he wants out and is being mean and harsh to me . My emotions are soo conflicted and I will be taking my kids to Narateen and one for me too this week but as you see I cant sleep anymore, I feel a loss of something, I am scared to be without him, I am relieved to be without him, I don't want him back, I do want him back. Please help me, is there a sponsor for me?

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jeanette
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Re: He finally left me 1st

Post by jeanette » Wed Aug 31, 2016 8:33 am

Welcome to nar-anon.

I came to realize that I was mourning a relationship that no longer existed. It was hard to accept and it was a true mourning - anger, sadness, fear, frustration, self-doubt.

In nar-anon I came to acceptance, understanding and finally happiness - it took time, but I got there!
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love
Jeanette

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

mommyes
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Re: He finally left me 1st

Post by mommyes » Thu Sep 01, 2016 3:55 pm

Thank you Jeannette, That is where my fear and pain comes from, that the relationship was over a long time ago and yet still I wanted to work it out till he left me and said Enough.. he was the one who called it quits when we were the ones in pain..omg I feel rejected, ugly, cause he moved in with a hot sexy woman, the opposite of me and he seems to be having fun and enjoying his new life and freedom from us.

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grateful
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Re: He finally left me 1st

Post by grateful » Sat Sep 24, 2016 4:43 pm

One of our slogans is: Comparing is despairing. I had to employ that one when I was newly divorced. My x was dating. I was working multiple jobs and raising an 18 mo and a 3 yo alone. He had plenty of money. I seldom knew how I was going to keep a roof over our heads or food on the table. I hated hiring sitters and being away from my kids. The gals he dated were quality women although some dumped him along the way. He married one gal who saw him to be her "king." I said: "P, you have spoken with me on numerous occasions. Do I strike you as someone who would divorce a man just because I felt like it or wanted another kind of man?" Of course, she didn't want to hear the reason. She was 8 months pregnant when "the king" walked out on her after accusing her multiple times of cheating on him and blaming me for his drug use. She also divorced him. Ended up marrying somebody who treated her well and became my x's daughter's stepfather. My x died at age 51 of a heart attack (possibly do to the drugs he used right up to the day he died). He didn't live to see his daughter's children. He died a few months after he met our grandson who was only a few months old. He was in huge debt when he died. He'd cheated my son out of insurance money he received after a horrendous accident by promising him something he never came through on. There was no woman in his life by then - well - except me through my son and one telephone call my son made because he thought his Dad had the flu. He didn't. He was dying. His life was misery because my son was an abusive, active A who lived with my abusive, active AX. His life as he aged was no cakewalk. All his relationships failed.

I've spent the past 37 years happy to have moved past the ambivalence I felt about divorcing him and letting go of comparing his life to mine. I have no regrets when it comes to our parting ways. It was a pressure cooker of a toxic relationship for me. I wanted ordinary and peaceful. That is what I have now except for occasional blips in the road. My x wanted a divorce because he didn't want to be a husband or a father. He wanted to party. That's what he did. And at the end of his life, he had nothing really to show for it.

Interestingly, I went to his Memorial Service to be support for my children as did his second wife and one of the quality women who dumped him. We all sat together. We liked each other. We also looked at each other and grinned when his brother read the eulogy saying his brother never hurt anybody in his life. I guess none of us counted or his children? I lost nothing when I separated from him and later divorced him. I gained myself again though.

I know you are hurting now and maybe, like me, in a few months from now your thoughts and feelings will have changed about the circumstances of your life and you will see more what you have gained than lost? Either way - please keep coming back. We understand. We've been there in similar ways.
Seek beauty

MarieW
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Re: He finally left me 1st

Post by MarieW » Sat Sep 24, 2016 5:34 pm

Welcome to the Forum. I'm sorry you are going through this. I had been married for over 30 years when I separated from my husband three years ago. It took more than 5 years of living with him and being unhappy, plus about a year in this program, for me to get up the courage to make the change that was right for me. I wish I had found Nar-Anon 10 years ago! I was holding on to a fantasy that was getting in the way of me enjoying my real life.

We're here for you. Please find a meeting near you (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) and go. You will find so much support and acceptance there. And keep posting and reading here (though you may want to post in the Family Groups Recovery Forum instead of here. We tend to use this site for "lighter" topics. You'll get more comments and shares on the other site).

We also have on-line meetings several times a week. Read all the posts under Announcements for more info.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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