Most expensive week of my life:(

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Celestial

Most expensive week of my life:(

Post by Celestial » Thu Apr 07, 2016 8:23 pm

Bought daughter a car (used) yesterday and this evening had my Income Taxes done.....want to jump off Jupiter Lighthouse :shock:

The IRS needs to give the middle class a break.....don't ya agree ;)

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endoftheroad
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Re: Most expensive week of my life:(

Post by endoftheroad » Fri Apr 08, 2016 4:49 pm

Yes, I found that with what I spent on my son's "recovery", rehab, counselors, psychologists, living needs, and life, I could buy a villa in France!

But I haven't done that in a couple of years! It was well worth the process of allowing him to take the responsibility. We were pretty much done parenting and we had done it ALL!

My husband and I often remark about how much money we have in our pockets now that he is on his own! We stopped the $$$ nonsense when he was 25, took back the car, cancelled the insurance, no more phone line on the bill!

He knows where recovery is when he wants it, how to get on Medi-Cal, where social assistance is and homeless shelters! I believe he is much more resourceful about his recovery than I am!

I would much rather pay my taxes these days than his bills!

Keep coming back!
This is the easier softer way.....

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Melissa
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Re: Most expensive week of my life:(

Post by Melissa » Sat Apr 09, 2016 1:17 pm

Once upon a time, our son had a car. A very nice car. We co-signed for the car and helped with insurance.

His journey into addiction began to progress.

Sparing you the gory details and horror stories, it was brought to our attention that it would be a VERY good plan to separate ourselves from any connection to that automobile. If our son were to be in an accident, where he was at fault, we could be held liable due to our co-ownership of the car.
We transferred the car to our son's name.

Being the enabler I was, I still "contributed" to the insurance premiums for awhile. Not a good idea.

As awful as it may sound to some people, my husband and I were thankful when our son totaled the car. He did not have serious injuries.
Why were we thankful?
Because our son's addiction made him unsafe to be behind the wheel of a car. We were afraid for the other people on the roads, that our son could involve in an accident and injure.

Our son never owned another car. We would not buy him one or contribute to the purchase.

I understand "expensive". I had to delay my retirement for several years. We were in a financial hole for years of MY enabling. My husband can tell you to the penny how much addiction cost us. Beyond the financial aspect, I can tell you how much addiction cost us emotionally; damaging family relations; and also most destroying a marriage.

When we know better we do better. But it can take a really long time to figure this out. (Speaking from personal experience of course).

(((hugs)))
Melissa
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DeanW
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Re: Most expensive week of my life:(

Post by DeanW » Sat Apr 09, 2016 4:00 pm

When I saw the title of this thread my mind immediately went to the TRUE cost of addiction. It can cost really more than I can allow my mind to wrap around. We have the financial costs that we'll all endure until we realize our financial help really isn't. But, more importantly, there's the cost of our physical health; our emotional health; our mental health and that of everyone we love, including the ALO, siblings, grandparents - and in cases in which our ALO has children - in my opinion, that's the cruelest cost of all.

Today, I'm feeling that desire to go pick my daughter up - take her out for a haircut and manicure, pedicure - some new clothes. I used to do that routinely. I would get this feeling if I could just shake her up a bit - show her life outside this bubble she is in - this unhealthy bubble. I no longer do that because one day of pampering does not fix addiction or in my daughter's case at this point - enmeshment, codependency. My daughter went without a car for 18 months. She just recently bought 2 cars, each one $1000 - and paid for her insurance for 6 months. This is without her husband employed. She paid for rides to work; she paid for rides to the store. She paid for some old guy to take my grandson to the endodontist a couple of times. I would drive the boys to school and pick them up - take the youngest to Scouts. That is as much as she would allow. Many times during that 18 months I wanted to give her a car I have sitting in my driveway not being used. It would have been easier for her and easier for me, as well. I couldn't do it. I fought against it every day. When I came close to doing it I would call my then sponsor or I would come on her and read. Bottom line. I have chosen to be out of the car business. No more.

This is not a criticism of you giving your daughter a car. But I felt it was TIME for me to make that line in the sand. I did and it was hard to do. I believe that in particular as parents of addicted / recovering adult children - we all face that time at some point. The moment we say - this is not working I have to try something different....for myself; for my other family members and yes, for my child who is struggling as well. It just doesn't seem like parental assistance goes far in really helping. God bless.

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BabaKnits
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Re: Most expensive week of my life:(

Post by BabaKnits » Tue Apr 12, 2016 2:03 pm

This weekend I bought my AS some small items totally about $30. Afterwards I questioned why I still do this? He is working some and should spend his own money on his needs. While I will not buy him large items, it really isn't about the $$ is it?? None of this really helps and is still a part of enabling. I am still on that journey to figure out how not to enable. Hope I get there.

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