What addicts do to us

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roadrunner
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What addicts do to us

Post by roadrunner » Wed Aug 12, 2015 9:16 am

The other day - my ABF was moving his stuff out of the house. He has a machine shop in cellar - it fell on the floor and oil from it was everywhere. I was emailing my friend in the program later in the day . When I mentioned what just happened and she noticed the metaphor in the whole thing. Here's how it went: He drops a heavy machine, almost kills himself with it, and leaves a puddle of oil to seep all over the garage floor - Then I am the one to use MY kitty litter to mop it up. I laughed so so hard - so good to see the humor in it. The week before in F2F meeting we were reading Serenity Connection about the Conga Line. Well - here we are.

PamB
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by PamB » Mon Aug 17, 2015 12:45 pm

lol....it's so true, the irony. I have watched shows on TV and just when I need it, something happens or something is said in the show that speaks extremely close to home. Must be that HP everyone keeps talking about. Thanks for sharing this story.

jayjay79
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by jayjay79 » Sun Jul 31, 2016 12:03 pm

My ABF hit me last month and kicked me twice in my pregnant stomach. I left him but its been so hard to stay away. I miss him. I love him. I just want it to be good. I know im kidding myself. He has begged me to support him and love him while he gets help but how do i know and trust that he is getting the help. How can i deny my own welfare and deny my kids stability.. ? My friends and family think im stupid for wanting anything furtherbto do with him. There is a AVO. Put in place with me as the protected person and i want to have it changed.. I want him in my life. While hes been gone ive dealt with it so far by writing letters to him and not sending them. Tonght after reading a bit about naranon family support.. I wrote another setting boundaries and releasing myself from the reaponsibility of his life. His addiction isnt mine. But he wants to see me. I told him i would. Im thinkinh of readinh this last letter to him .. Setting the boundaries.. By doing this though, i open the door to more abusive messages and calls.. Im scared im stuffing up but how can i walk away? I love him.

mollee
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by mollee » Fri Aug 26, 2016 11:42 pm

My husband is abusive to me mentally, has only been physical once. I want to get a divorce more than anything, however I can't right now. I have lost feelings for him, don't want anything to do with him sexually, and I'm angry every time I talk to him or am around him. Then why can't I just end the madness and walk away? I don't know. It's easier said than done. I think I'm weak in some ways letting him treat me the way he does. But like you, I can't let go. I guess we love them deep down.

I am proud of myself however, he went out of town this weekend, and I was supposed to go with, and I didn't want to be with him, so I stayed home. I have to say I'm enjoying the peace and quiet around here, and this was a well needed weekend away from him.

I hope you stay strong. Writing those letters is a great way to get your feelings out.

Good luck and God bless.

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Desperate
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by Desperate » Mon Aug 29, 2016 1:49 pm

I am in the same situation with my boyfriend. He uses constantly and rarely spends time with me. He locks himself up in my guest house while using meth and watching porn. He says he has no intention of stopping. I feel completely alone and have lost all desire to go anywhere or do anything. Most days I find it hard to even get out of bed. I am constantly depressed and cry almost daily. I am new to the program and pray I can find peace by sharing.

asnow96
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by asnow96 » Tue Aug 30, 2016 10:54 pm

Mollee,

I am in pretty much the same boat as you. My husband is addicted to cocaine and it has torn me to pieces mentally and emotionally. I had it set up for him to go to California for treatments where they paid for his flight and everything and he was supposed to be gone for 60 days. Well, I cried when he left and after a while I also felt that piece within and no sorrow, well he manipulated them saying he had a health issue and had them send him to emergency room and they ended up shipping him back home which he has been perfectly fine ever since. I to tell myself that I want to leave and I just simply can't because I know there is still some love there. He tells me he's not using anymore but the only reason that it's hard to believe is because I'm hearing the same stories again like a children's book. He tells me if I can't trust him that what are doing and I'm stressing him out because I trust him when he already knows why I don't. I'm scared that one day, I will wake up and absolutely have the guts to just leave while he's at work and not have a care in the world , although I feel I would be much happier and he would then realize that this wasn't a game and his tricks didn't work anymore.. I know his heart is with me but I can't accept the fact this its also somewhere else until I'm fed up then his mind and heart is all with me.


mollee wrote:My husband is abusive to me mentally, has only been physical once. I want to get a divorce more than anything, however I can't right now. I have lost feelings for him, don't want anything to do with him sexually, and I'm angry every time I talk to him or am around him. Then why can't I just end the madness and walk away? I don't know. It's easier said than done. I think I'm weak in some ways letting him treat me the way he does. But like you, I can't let go. I guess we love them deep down.

I am proud of myself however, he went out of town this weekend, and I was supposed to go with, and I didn't want to be with him, so I stayed home. I have to say I'm enjoying the peace and quiet around here, and this was a well needed weekend away from him.

I hope you stay strong. Writing those letters is a great way to get your feelings out.

Good luck and God bless.

mommyes
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by mommyes » Fri Sep 02, 2016 5:33 am

I too feel conflicted about what is my part/role in this addictive cycle/dance. He left me and I am going thru withdrawal pains for his presence, feeling grief and pain and hurt all thru my body.. I cry non stop. I feel like something profound has ended and it will never be the same again. I like the idea of writing letters to him and not delivering them. I know I said such hurtful things to him in anger over the years and I convinced myself that because his addiction drove me to be soo angry and that's why I said those mean things but I was in pain before from issues in my own life and I danced with my husband because he was also wounded just like me. I wanted out of the marriage many times and filed for divorce 2 days after being married but then I changed my mind and got pregnant and then my upbringing kicked in, you do not leave your marriage when kids are involved, stay and work it out no matter what-19 years later and here I am still wanting to work it out but my husband is the one saying NO MORE..I am embarrassed that he was the one to leave this abusive relationship even tho he was the addict and he blames me for all the abuse.

KytieKay
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by KytieKay » Fri Sep 09, 2016 6:55 pm

For the past two years I have been dealing with a drug addict. He had slipped into a habit of heroin and then restarting after over 20 years of being clean from Meth, he began again. His habit has caused him to lie to me, and take money from our account that we could not afford to loose. He was erratic in his behavior that I never knew what the day was going to bring because he was so up and down. Many days I would leave in the AM for work and he was in bed, only to come home to him in bed still. Not moving. He used to lie and say that it was because he had spasms, and couldn't cope with them, so he would just sleep. And he would go 2 or 3 days in bed. This was frustrating to me, because I couldn't imagine spending that much time in bed. My children (who are grown) and my friends, would all tell me that he was using, but each time I would ask my husband he would lie to me and tell me he would NEVER do that. I would believe his lie. This is my fault. I should have been better at catching his lie, and believing everyone else over him. This went on for 2 years. Watching him be sane to insane in no time at all. I got a job in NM which I moved on my own to, from OR. He would follow later. He had a hearing he had to be at, so I would set up our home ahead of him. He had moved down to NM a couple of months later. He was away from the people who would supply his wants, and had remained clean for 9 months. He finally after 6 months confessed that he had been using and was up to a "point" of heroin (chasing the dragon), daily (1 point is 0.1gm=100mg). :twisted: He was clean and away from it. Then this past May my daughter was graduating from nursing school. We had flown back to OR to witness her walk, but along the way, he had fallen into the same routine. He met up with the old friends, and got into using again. He created quite a ruckus. When confronting him with it, I was met with all sorts of names and accusations, and him telling me that IF I could not trust him than we had nothing. This was it for me. I could no longer do this any more, and I choose not to do it either. I am at peace with my decision. He is still living in my mother's house, while I am staying with my cousin. I am seeking to divorce. And he is seeking treatment. He needs to work on trying to make himself strong again, without booze or narcotics. I am not even going to consider staying with him at this point. I'm gone. I've watched him break not only my heart and my trust but also watched him break the hearts of our children for the last time.

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drov
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by drov » Fri Sep 09, 2016 7:29 pm

My addicted wife spent 4 days holed-up inside a room, inside our home. I became alarmed when I peeked and thought she wasn't breathing. She jumped up - called the cops and said I wouldn't let her sleep. My job offers amazing benefits. She could get any treatment available and it will cost nothing. She doesn't want it. It took me more than a year to understand that there is nothing I can do, say or impose - to change my addicted (crack and heroin) loved one's behavior.

I was at a Nar-anon meeting once and an older woman - 82 years old - told me: "You will come to a point when you know you've had enough."

For me - it was about one year. I no longer could let my wife's reckless behavior control my life. I am in the middle of a divorce and she told me she is sorry about how she has affected my day to day life. Did she change? Nope - she scored crack within hours of our "heart-to-heart" conversation. 17 years of marriage - beautiful home - no fighting - and the freedom for her to become anything she wanted to be. She wants the drugs.

My wife wants what she wants and nothing will stand in her way. She has to decide to change. I had to decide when to get on with the rest of my life without her further damaging my spirit and health.

711
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by 711 » Sat Sep 10, 2016 10:43 pm

This is my first time on this forum and thanks for sharing to each of you. I have checked our area to see if there are Nar Anon meetings to go to but none in Mass. I have a sister who has been using for most of her life and love her but she is not interested in getting clean and it breaks my heart. I have been sober/clean in another fellowship for a bunch of years..it saved my life. But I feel lost knowing that my sister is slowly dying. Her sons suffered the most. I just hope to learn more and have some sense of recovery because it's strange and insane loving someone who is caught in the gripes of addiction. Just ordered some literature from Nar Anon. Thank you.

Jennifer
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by Jennifer » Sun Sep 11, 2016 9:05 am

Yes, I feel your pain. It is so hard to watch them slowly die. It is like a cancer with no cure. I was so proud of the one I worry over, and then last week he used for the first time in a year and a half. I haven't heard from him since, which is breaking my heart into a million pieces. I want to know he is OK, but....I'm sure he isn't. Anger put him back into the hands of it...to cope with anger. Why didn't he just call instead and talk it out? I'll never know...it feels like I'll never hear from him again and may not.

rcp434
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by rcp434 » Sun Sep 11, 2016 10:37 am

My 27 year old daughter has been addicted (first to prescription opioids, then heroin) for almost 10 years now. She is currently court-ordered (through drug court) to a 6 month residential rehab for women with children (her one year old baby is with her at rehab, her two older daughters are in the custody of her mother, their grandmother). The father of her baby is also an addict and has refused treatment several times. He claims he is "clean" but still drinks and drives, smokes pot, and does heroin. My daughter "isn't sure" if she'll go back to him after her discharge. So far her "plan" is to come back and live with me at my house. If not there, then probably back with him. Both "options" scare the hell out of me because both are HUGE "triggers" for her to fall back into the same behavior she has struggled to overcome at rehab, where she has been clean since May 2016. I just started attending a local Nar-anon meeting last week hoping that will help some. I am torn apart from the inside out, I don't laugh or smile anymore, I am completely alienated from my brothers and sister, all of whom have "normal" non-addicted, productive adult children. I just feel like dying. I feel completely alone. I'm afraid it will NEVER end and I just can't live that way.

Jennifer
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by Jennifer » Sun Sep 11, 2016 3:08 pm

rcp 434
I feel your pain. The one I worry over has gone back to "trigger" territory...which is why he used again. I struggle with whether to send him another message to see if he responds or just not contact him at all. He didn't respond to the last two positive messages. I keep waiting for him to respond....don't think he will, which makes me so sad.

Shiclaycda
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by Shiclaycda » Mon Sep 12, 2016 8:41 pm

This is hard for me. This is also my first time on this forum. I have been living with my daughters addiction by myself since I learned about it. I didn't know there was a place like this for those of us that think we are alone with a loved ones addiction. My support has been myself and my God. My family and friends are understanding but they haven't experienced it first hand. They don't know the depths of the pain I experience. My daughter is on a road to recovery for now. I am praying that she has the strength to rise above her need for the drugs and stay clean. I just don't want to see her in the pain she creates for herself when she uses.

compassrose
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Re: What addicts do to us

Post by compassrose » Thu Sep 15, 2016 10:12 am

first time on this forum and so thankful to find it! What addicts do to us. Well my dh, is an addict. opiates. started with an injury and has never stopped truly, tried once two weeks, of him in the bed withdrawling. It didn't last. Our bills are paid so he claims he is a "functioning addict". Hah, his addiction has made me feel less human. I don't feel as if i am desirable. since this nightmare started he has not touched me in five years. yeah five years! thought it was me, so i've lost weight, started dressing better, you know falling into the it must be me trap. nope. He nods by 6 pm when he's home, eyes rolling, mumbling incoherantly. physically abusive he is not however, emotionally abusive yes. I tip toe around the house when he is not on his choice of drugs because he literally makes life a living hell. everything bothers him. how I cook, how I close the curtains, critical of everything and it pisses me off. he complains or voices things bothering him but if I say a word about my day, he reverts it back to him and states "i don't have a clue". It's all about him. all the time. Well last night during my ah ha moment when i overheard him making a plan to meet up with a drug dealer, I have decided to no longer be a part of this. When he is high I will remove myself from wherever he is. When he is high I will not particpate in conversation with the blithering mumbling, eyerolling nodding addict. When he is having a rough day from work, I have gotten to the point where I just go into another room. I have basically started to detach not because I want to but because if I don't I am going to lose myself completely. What his addiction has done to me is made me realize I have myself. I have a higher power. I have the opportunity to make this, I wouldn't be here except for the fact that my elderly father lives with me, but y'all can best believe that if and when he leaves I will be shortly out the door. I'm praying to God, that he gives me the strength to just plow through these coming days, and he is all I have cause nothing I can say, or do, will fix this. What my addict has done to me? is made me realize it is indeed out of my hands, and I most defin cannot do this alone!!!! this forum gives me hope, I am not as alone as I thought and is some sick twisted way, it's a relief, thank you all you give me hope.

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