Helping a friend

This section is for friendship related discussion such as sports, recipes, jokes, birthday wishes, etc. We DO Recover.
Post Reply
nubbinstallone
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 12:25 am
option_firstname:

Helping a friend

Post by nubbinstallone » Tue Jul 14, 2015 3:58 pm

I have a very close friend whose addiction and mental state has gotten completely out of control. Several times we have witnessed her acting unacceptable towards her children. I don't want to go into too much detail but I decided that enough was enough and her friends and family needed to know what was going on so we can all get her help. I couldnt do it alone. One of those people decided to tell her every detail of our discussion and now she (the addict) has made me look like a liar and absolutely resents me. I know that's a normal outcome but I just wanted to know if anyone has been here before and how you handled it. I have lost my closest, longest friendship over this. Our children were the best of friends. Will she ever stop being angry and come to terms with the truth? Probably not, but I am at a total loss now.

Forgive1
Posts: 569
Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:08 pm
option_firstname:

Re: Helping a friend

Post by Forgive1 » Tue Jul 14, 2015 4:28 pm

I am sorry that your friend is suffering. I am sorry that you are suffering.
We are here. There are meetings.
I always find that reading about addiction, nar-anon and al-anon helps to center my thoughts.
I know it's hard to do, but when I keep the focus on myself it is easier for me.
Hang in there.
Heidi

nubbinstallone
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 12:25 am
option_firstname:

Re: Helping a friend

Post by nubbinstallone » Tue Jul 14, 2015 5:04 pm

Thank you Heidi. I have been to a few meetings out here but where I'm from, there are only Al-anon meetings and they seem to have a hard time relating to the pits of opiate addiction. Thank god for this forum or I'd lose my mind. I'm trying to find something to read that pertains to my situation but I'm unsure how to even word it.

User avatar
grateful
Posts: 2936
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2015 10:06 pm
option_firstname:

Re: Helping a friend

Post by grateful » Tue Jul 14, 2015 8:02 pm

An active addict in my experience can't be a good friend to themselves and therefore cannot be a good friend to others.

The time has already come and gone, but if you have witnessed the abuse or neglect of the children, this may be the time for a confidential call to Child Protective Services. They can step in and do what is necessary to protect the children and help your friend get back on the right road if she is willing. If not, the children will be safer than in her company. An addict not only can't be a good friend to themselves or others, they are not good parents to their children either because the disease runs them and not their minds, hearts or parenting skills.

None of us wants to call CPS and the children cannot stand up for themselves. It takes loving friends or family members to file the report to helpfully get them the help they need.
Seek beauty

nubbinstallone
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 12:25 am
option_firstname:

Re: Helping a friend

Post by nubbinstallone » Wed Jul 15, 2015 9:36 pm

It's so hard. I'm terrified of losing all of my friendships because of this persons ability to lie and manipulate. At this point, calling cps just scares me. She has turned everyone around to believing that I made everything up so now I'm alone in this. We had a plan, we had bottom lines and everyone was prepared for her manipulative behavior but that's all been sabotaged. I have no choice but to walk away and take care of me.

mommadoc
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:24 am
Location: Grenada, West Indies
option_firstname:

Re: Helping a friend

Post by mommadoc » Mon Jul 27, 2015 2:03 am

nubbinstallone wrote:It's so hard. I'm terrified of losing all of my friendships because of this persons ability to lie and manipulate. At this point, calling cps just scares me. She has turned everyone around to believing that I made everything up so now I'm alone in this. We had a plan, we had bottom lines and everyone was prepared for her manipulative behavior but that's all been sabotaged. I have no choice but to walk away and take care of me.
I'm am very sorry to read about your situation.

It seems like you have two dilemmas which are currently working against each other: your friendships vs. the safety of others (the children you mentioned earlier).

I have always believed that the term addict is synonymous with manipulator. In fact, I can look back at all of my encounters with addicts to this day and still marvel at their ability to manipulate and lie -- it's quite impressive. Unfortunately, it's not pretty (to say the very least). What you have described is the addict actively protecting their status quo, and your friendships have been the sacrificial lamb.

I'm a bit old-school (I only know how to give it to you straight), so here is it -- chances are your friendship had been on the rocks for a long time and seeing your friend abuse her children was likely the last straw. In order to garner support for yourself (not your friend) you needed to recruit as many people as possible to give you the courage to act on behalf of those children who have no one else to speak up for them.

So what if your friend is no longer talking to you? You know that person isn't your good friend, because the person you remember wouldn't do that. Nope, this is the addict your friend has turned into, the former is no longer present. Write the eulogy and move on, the sooner the better.

So what if someone spilled the beans about your plan? So what if everyone else turned against you? This isn't about you, it's about those kids! Who do they have now while you're busy lickling your wounds? Not to be mean, but seriously, who the heck do they have now that the addict has manipulated everyone else?

It's really quite simple, it's just ugly.

I'm so sorry you are going through this -- I really am. No one should be in your position, and it really sucks. Addicts, manipulators, liars, it's a horrible mess. But at the end of the day what are you really concerned about? What's more important, those kids or your friendships?

P.S. You can always make new friends, but children don't get to choose new parents.
F.E.A.R. = Frantic Efforts at Avoiding Responsibilities
We are only as sick as our secrets
Be part of the solution, not the problem
Let it begin with me
No one will be selfish for you

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest