Today I sat and talked with my ALO for a bit and realized when he pointed it out that pretty much everytime we interact, I talk about his addiction. Since he has gone back to active addiction, it has been very very hard for me not to think about that when we meet. Even if we are simply catching up or talking for a bit, I look at him and think about it. In part because physically he looks like he is on it-his face, skin, jittery motions, all reveal it to me, because I know how he is sober and clean and I know how he is when he is on it. Maybe someone else might not notice, but I do.
He said why cant we just have a nice conversation when I met you it was intriguing we used to talk about anthropology and your research and now all you talk about is this. And I thought to myself he's right I really am going insane. He was an active addict when I met him which I didnt know at the time and we had good conversations. He is an active addict now and even though we arent spending all our time together or living together or cooking together or sleeping together like we used to, I would like to be able to have a decent conversation. And instead even though Im working this program Im still going on about his addiction to him. Saying things that he has heard 1000 times already.
Whats the point? It wont change anything. At least we could have decent conversations until I leave and if we cant be together we can at least be cordial to one another. I miss the conversations and its me that is going on about drugs and recovery and addiction and how hard this is for me. Maybe if I didnt rehash it all the d-mn time I'd feel better. I think I really am half the problem right now. I do ok when Im by myself but then I see my ALO and all those stupid control urges just surge up and I have such a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I want to be able to let it go, I really do. And I have to for my own sanity and so I can have a real conversation again. Im getting better at not going on for hours about it to friends, but in the case of my ALO, hes the last one to get a reprieve and he doesnt deserve that, plus he has already heard every and anything I have to say.
Why cant I just shut up? Im going to try to do better. Let go, let god. I cant, god can, I think Ill let him. I gotta stop talking about this to people, but especially to my ALO. Its just hurting both of us. I want to get better d-mmit!