No talking about it.

[Lyra]

Today I sat and talked with my ALO for a bit and realized when he pointed it out that pretty much everytime we interact, I talk about his addiction. Since he has gone back to active addiction, it has been very very hard for me not to think about that when we meet. Even if we are simply catching up or talking for a bit, I look at him and think about it. In part because physically he looks like he is on it-his face, skin, jittery motions, all reveal it to me, because I know how he is sober and clean and I know how he is when he is on it. Maybe someone else might not notice, but I do.

He said why cant we just have a nice conversation when I met you it was intriguing we used to talk about anthropology and your research and now all you talk about is this. And I thought to myself he's right I really am going insane. He was an active addict when I met him which I didnt know at the time and we had good conversations. He is an active addict now and even though we arent spending all our time together or living together or cooking together or sleeping together like we used to, I would like to be able to have a decent conversation. And instead even though Im working this program Im still going on about his addiction to him. Saying things that he has heard 1000 times already.

Whats the point? It wont change anything. At least we could have decent conversations until I leave and if we cant be together we can at least be cordial to one another. I miss the conversations and its me that is going on about drugs and recovery and addiction and how hard this is for me. Maybe if I didnt rehash it all the d-mn time I'd feel better. I think I really am half the problem right now. I do ok when Im by myself but then I see my ALO and all those stupid control urges just surge up and I have such a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I want to be able to let it go, I really do. And I have to for my own sanity and so I can have a real conversation again. Im getting better at not going on for hours about it to friends, but in the case of my ALO, hes the last one to get a reprieve and he doesnt deserve that, plus he has already heard every and anything I have to say.

Why cant I just shut up? Im going to try to do better. Let go, let god. I cant, god can, I think Ill let him. I gotta stop talking about this to people, but especially to my ALO. Its just hurting both of us. I want to get better d-mmit!

[carpediem]

I think I really am half the problem right now.

Obsession. Read about it in the SESH book.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. All the talking in the world never persuaded my addict to get sober for the love of me. It's an illness. That's just how it is. Until I got that I couldn't outsmart, out-talk or out-think an illness, I was miserable.

My sponsor used to say I should think of my addict as a food allergy. Let's say I really love peanuts, but they make me sick. So it was with my addict. I can't be in a relationship with someone in active addiction. I just can't. It triggers all of my codependency. I just have to live with that. And I can live with that.

[Cheryl]

Dear Lyra,

Addiction is a family disease, only it also extends to anyone who loves the addict. When my son was in active addiction, I doubt that I ever talked about anything other than addiction and drugs. It got to the point that my son would say, "I will have lunch with you as long as we don't talk about drugs." And then there was usually a lot of silence at the table. Ironically, he now will start to tell me things that he did in the past and I really don't want to hear about it today !!!!

In my opinion, your ALO has made a strong point with you. It was the same with my son, and I found that when I listened to him, really listened, he was giving me some of the answers that I was seeking for myself. I just had to listen.

Cheryl