A bit shaken up

[Debness]

I am trying to maintain my equilibrium, but I just got a call that I knew would come someday. It wasn't my RAS, but my older brother.

His girlfriend, whom I am quite sure is an alcoholic, kicked him out and he has nowhere to go. He started telling me he is sick, that maybe he has cancer in his bones. He no doubt has very little money because he is basically a moocher.

I don't want him here. I don't know if he is an alcoholic, I never really thought so, but he does display some of the behaviors. He doesn't know how to work hard, for one thing. He's 64 years old, for goodness sakes, and I don't think Social Security is going to help him much because he has never put much into it.

I just said wow, I'm sorry. He didn't ask directly if he could stay here - with his two wild dogs - and I didn't offer.

Not in my hula hoop? Family should help out family? My husband and I have been so generous in the past, until we started feeling used.

Gotta count my blessings and stop feeling like it's unfair that I heard this on what was - still is! - a wonderful day. But I think you guys will understand when I say I'm shaken up.

Thanks for listening. And thanks for being here.
Debbie

[Cheryl]

Dear Debbie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother .... of course, it's going to leave you shaken up .... but you have to take care of you, and that's okay.

Here's a BIG BIG HUG !!!!

With love,
Cheryl

[jjabc]

Dear Debbie,
I am so sorry to hear about your brother's troubles and health issues. I know how this can cause us anxiety.
Maybe he won't ask to come with you and maybe they will make up by morning.
You and your brother are in my thoughts.
Jay

[mcollins5]

So sorry to hear of your brother's illness & the problems he is experiencing. It's understandable that you would be shaken up.
You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
Mary

[Debness]

The thing is that my brother would totally destroy my hard-earned serenity if he were here, and I also don't know if the cancer thing is true or manipulation. I fear if I said he could stay here awhile it would be very hard to get him out.

He has VA healthcare, so if he is sick, he can get treatment and has been getting treatment at the VA hospital for years.

I called my older sister in another state and she said it is time for him to grow up. Ha, like that's going to happen when he's 64. The kind of sad thing is that when I called and her husband answered and said, do you want to talk to your sister, she thought it was our YOUNGER brother calling her. She was so happy it was me instead.

Our younger brother is schizophrenic and has been in various levels of care, mostly residential and often lockdown, for 40 years. I freely gave him money and lots of "things" for years until he for some reason gave his caregivers permission to talk to my sister and they told her we were making it impossible to deal with him because he had no motivation to behave well enough to hold a job at the facility.

He didn't need the money he could have earned because we (mostly me) gave him all he could ever need! I knew he was mentally ill and I felt sorry for him. But all that time I was actually enabling him, allowing him to behave poorly and mistreat those around him because they had very few tools to modify his behavior. He even paid people to walk down to the store or wherever to buy him pop because he had too darn much money. And yes, I missed that money.

Sound familiar" Oh yeah, that's what we enablers do for their addicts. Do things for them that they can do for themselves.

I don't want to sound cold toward my brother - either one of them, but it sure would be nice to have a brother that called me and didn't ask for money. Maybe even one that offered some support during hard times. Just dreaming, I guess.

Debbie

[Melissa]

Dearest Debbie---


I am sorry for your brother's health problems and relationship breakup. I can understand how this is causing you anxiety--none of us want to see our loved ones suffer.
Hopefully his gf will take him back--we never know what tomorrow will bring.

Your serenity and peace of mind have to be first.


(((hugs))) I hope tomorrow will be brighter.