A Roller Coaster Ride

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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A Roller Coaster Ride

Post by jp2018 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 12:59 pm

Hi Everyone,

I'm brand new to this group, and any group or online forum in general actually. I'm really just looking for kindred spirits I guess, as I do know I'm not alone but at this point just have had nobody to talk to. I've read a bit about how keeping everything inside can be detrimental, and I find that it's all catching up to me now and I'm suffering emotionally. I actually have an appointment on Thursday with my family doctor to get a referral to a counselor/psychiatrist of some sort. I need to dump it all on someone.

When I first met my fiance I had zero knowledge of the world of an addict. Absolutely no clue. We had an amazing courtship and fell in love quite quick. A year into our relationship he relapsed. It was triggered by his fathers cancer diagnosis. As I said, I had no idea about the world of hard drugs so I didn't know what warning signs to look for...and I know he knew this, and likely took advantage of my naivete. Hi relapse was hard, fast and intense. He overdosed several times on heroin and I was at a loss of what to do to help him. I of course didn't realize that it had to be his choice. We didn't live together at the time so I felt I still had a 'normal' life apart from him. After a few months of using he sought help and went into recovery. He's was clean for two years and now we are in the middle of another relapse. This time it's cocaine.

We had a great two years of life free of his addiction, bought a house, got engaged, adopted a second dog, started our own business, traveled. I trusted him explicitly. I had no idea he was in a relapse until my Spidey senses started picking up on the little clues left laying around. I then actively searched out evidence and I confronted him, he said he was done. Then he disappeared for over 24 hours. I was total basket case. He also struggles with depression, as tends to be quite normal in the disease of addiction. He was in a depression like I've never seen, so when he took off I instantly assumed he was out to do himself harm and end it all. He even said these words "I don't think I'm going to make it." I even called the cops because after a night of pacing and stressed, I assumed they'd be looking for a body. He'd never taken off on me before. He came home from that bender full of shame and guilt and managed to stay clean for almost two weeks. But he fell back down the hole. And I fell for all the lies and manipulation. Again. Why? Because I have hope? He tells me that he will quit when he's ready. He's been through every program available, so he knows that the loved on of an addict suffers. He has urged me to talk to someone, to share...but I don't want anyone to judge me, or judge him. He is an amazing person that I love very much, and from the outside we have this 'amazing life'. A beautiful house, two awesome dogs, our own successful business. But here I am, reaching out to a bunch of strangers...looking for help navigating this crazy roller coaster of ups and downs while he is crashed out on the coach, sound asleep after another night of using while I slept alone (well, not really, with two huskies spooning me lol).

I've read so many articles about how you have to leave someone you love that is an addict...to protect yourself. But how on earth do you do that when you love them so much? And when you know there is a good chance that tomorrow will be the day he chooses to stop using? I can't not get mad, I can't ignore those little signs of use around the house, I can't just be cool when he says he's 'going for a smoke' and in the garage for 20 minutes. But I don't want to leave. He says it might be good for me to take some time away from him....but I think that will make it worse for me! I won't be able to keep an eye on him, to know he's at least safe at home and not in some strangers house or on the street, to know he's getting regular healthy meals and making it to his doctors appointments.

Random thought; Does anyone else ever want to rip the dealer a new one? Here's the kicker...the dealer is a girl that used to go to NA meeting with him. The irony.

Has anyone made it to the end of my novel? Sorry for the long post...but I've been reading through many other posts and just needed to vent for myself. It does actually feel better....Thank you.

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Re: A Roller Coaster Ride

Post by hope1 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 1:49 pm

The three C's. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. The good news is you don't have to make a decision today about leaving or staying. Your partner is a grown man. It is not your job to make sure he eats healthy meals, goes to his doctors appointments, or gets home at night when he is supposed to. I absolutely wanted to track down every dealer, bad influence, etc in my daughters life when she was active and get rid of them all. NOT helpful or sane thinking on my behalf. Where there was 1 dealer," bad influence", there was 100 waiting in the wings and until she was ready to embrace sobriety and work a program of recovery there was nothing that i could do that was going to change that. Her obsession was alcohol and drugs, my obsession was her. It left me in worse shape mentally and physically then she was by the end. Finally i was given the gift of desperation and grasped onto Al/anon and Nar/anon. through working the steps and sharing with others that understand what it is like , I have been able to stay on my side of the street most of the time. I love my daughter dearly and support her in sobriety but there is nothing that i will do to support her in addiction.

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Re: A Roller Coaster Ride

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Feb 06, 2018 2:56 pm

Welcome to the Forum.

First, you're right, you are not alone. Everyone here knows what you're going through and understands the pain, anger, confusion, anxiety, etc.

Second, your fiancé is telling you exactly what is in his mind about his addiction:
He tells me that he will quit when he's ready.
Good thing is that he has been ready a few times in his life, just not now. Even though relapse is a very real possibility during recovery, an addict learns something each time they are in recovery.

One problem we have is that we never know if or when our addicts will ever be ready for recovery or if they will relapse while in recovery. It's hard, because we love them and don't want to just get up and leave. The other problem is that addiction is a life long disease that has no cure. It can only be managed by recovery.

Now that your eyes have been opened to the world of addiction, you have to ask yourself, (rhetorical questions), What kind of life do you deserve? You know what you're in for if you choose to love an addict. What kind of future do you want for yourself?

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: A Roller Coaster Ride

Post by Hope2018 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 5:37 pm

Welcome, I’m sorry your having to deal with this.

Ask yourself, will you feel this way about him after dealing with his addiction in 20 or 30 years? It get very tiring, adds so much stress on you and family.

We get one life too, trying to save my ALO for the past 25 years I feel like I gave up so much of my own life that I can’t get back.

She too wanted to get help, she did many times. It’s very sad but very true you live on the edge with an addict if you allow yourself too.

Keep coming back for you!

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Re: A Roller Coaster Ride

Post by lovingwife64 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 5:46 pm

I loved (and still do love) my Ex AH more then anything. Before I left him I couldn't imagine not being with him.

But finding Nar-Anon and working MY program gave me the strength to see my life in a healthier, happier way. I couldn't love him clean. But he could destroy my world with his using. I had to choose. I choose me. It didn't mean I didn't love him. But my life was important too. Living with an active addict its all about them, and what they want. It took many months of nar-anon and reading my SESH book over and over to realize that I could not talk sense to an active addict. That he could not put his addiction aside to be there for me when I needed him to.

There is life after addiction. Last year this time when I had down days at work I would spend it cyber stalking his email, his facebook, his phone records, trying to piece together what he was doing, tracking him on his Iphone. I would be a complete mess by the time I got off work. Because no matter how much I knew he was using he would NEVER admit it to me.

Today was a slow day at work. I did some online shopping. I followed a group on FB that I enjoy and I actually found myself giggling and laughing. I planned my night of working out and dinner and meditation. I checked out my latest matches on Match and had some nice exchanges with some new people I met. I'm not stressed out, sad, crying, shaking. Wow what a difference a year can make.

Is my ex using? I don't know. Probably. But it doesn't affect my world anymore. I know this is not what a lot of you want to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear when I first started meetings. I fought hard against the fact I couldn't help him. But its true. The program works and the program knows. They can only help themselves.

My Ex AH kept telling me he would when he was ready. Well I gave him over a year after I moved out to be "ready." It was always one more weekend of using. I have no advice. All our stories are different.

My story is that going to f2f meetings, reading everything I could on addiction and how it affects the addict and the family, and following this forum helped me to see that my life was as important as his.

Today I am happy, healthy and living the life I want to live.

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Re: A Roller Coaster Ride

Post by jp2018 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:56 am

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for your responses. I realize that every story is different, but cobbling together pieces of everyone's story and reading lots is helping me deal with my own. I have to say, in the last few days I've had an easier time 'living in the moment'. I have started sleeping in bed again, instead of on the couch where I can 'keep an eye on him'. I have been taking the dogs for longer walks and worrying less about rushing home. I've actually had a couple of almost full nights sleep...though there is some kind of internal alarm that makes me jump out of bed in the middle of the night with my heart racing....and when that happens I haven't been able to fight the urge yet to get up and go see where he is, make sure he's ok.

I still have the urge to 'baby' him, but I think that's just human nature. I'm trying hard to live and let live. We don't have kids, and in my current situation am thankful as that would add a whole other element to it. I sympathize so much with the mothers and fathers of addicted children after reading stories though, I can see how it can be so much harder to go through that. In a strange way it makes me thankful that, as much as I love him, I know I could cut ties a lot easier than anyone trying to cut ties with a child.

I see now how important sharing is. How there is solidarity in community. Unfortunately I don't have access to meetings here in my community, I would have to drive 1.5 hours to get to one, so I'm extra thankful for this forum.

Thank you again for your responses, I appreciate each and every perspective.

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Re: A Roller Coaster Ride

Post by robynx125 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:25 pm

I empathize with you jp2018. My relationship is very similar to yours. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to keep an eye on them, thinking that they are more safe if they are using nearby so that in case something happens, you can be there to take care of it. It is hard to detach from that urge. I struggled with that for years. From my experience, I tried it both ways. I didn't let go for the longest time. Then I did, which was the hardest thing for me to do and I had to seek therapy for myself in order to gain enough strength to do that. And what I discovered was that she was going to use regardless of whether or not I was there. It took something life-threatening to happen to her when I wasn't there for her to realize that she had to get clean or she was going to die and therefore, lose me forever.

My partner is the sweetest, funniest and most loving ray of sunshine beneath her addiction and knowing that has kept me hanging on for dear life, with hopes that I will once again see that side of her. But what I am now learning is that despite the best parts of her, she will always be an addict. She can be clean for years and then suddenly she could have a moment of weakness and relapse, and then she will have to start all over. This reality is something I am currently struggling with when I consider my future with her. I know that I don't have to make any decisions at this moment, so I have been doing a lot of reading since she went to rehab ten days ago. What it all boils down to is that an addict has to choose recovery every single day for the rest of their life. It's almost like they have to be addicted to their recovery on the same level that they were addicted to drugs or alcohol. That is the only way out of their darkness.

Thank you for opening up about your story. I feel for you and I will be sending good vibes your way <3

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Re: A Roller Coaster Ride

Post by Shelly » Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:44 pm

I can identify with so many things you said. Your statement about being glad you don’t have children and acknowledging that it is more difficult to cut ties with a child resonated with me. My AS is almost 47, but he is still my child and I really feel I could deal with an ALO who is my spouse or sibling much easier than I can with my child. I am also very grateful that AS does not have children. I was married to AS’s father for 25 years and although I tried everything I could to make the marriage work, I finally gave up after 25 years and filed for divorce. I regret not ending the marriage much sooner. I know that we are learning we didn’t cause the addiction, but I certainly feel that all those years of my stress and unhappiness contributed to my son’s addiction. I remarried and just celebrated 25 years in a very happy marriage and I am grateful every day that I did not waste those years being unhappy in a situation that was never going to get better. So as one person advised, you have to ask yourself some hard questions. Life is complicated and NOTHING about addiction is easy. But I have learned a lot through joining this forum. Hoping that you will find peace and happiness.

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Re: A Roller Coaster Ride

Post by Ma1954 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 7:59 am

TYFS. I have gone to a psychologist just to talk and it really helped. I got good advice and the therapist was not involved with me so I felt free to talk about anything. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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