I saw a lawyer

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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run5203
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I saw a lawyer

Post by run5203 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:49 am

From the brief time that I've been visiting this forum, the one thing that really stuck out to me is "nothing changes if nothing changes."

I have put up with too much abuse from my husband. I told him I can't remain in our marriage the way things are. If he wants me to stay in it, there will have to be some big changes. To start with, I won't stay in a marriage where he is talking to other women. If he doesn't get rid of them, I will walk. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. Nothing can happen until he takes that first step.

Unsurprisingly, he didn't care for that.

So I saw a lawyer, got the info I needed for divorce proceedings, and I told AH I went.

I said here are the options...

He responded by telling me he hates me for doing this and that I have ruined his life. He blocked every way of messaging him. His phone has been turned off (he's broke), but I can message him through Facebook or Instagram. He blocked all those avenues.

I am reeling in disbelief that some whore is so important to him that he's willing to give up 15 years of marriage and daily life with his only child (whom he professes to love). He has said over and over again that he is missing "all the little things" about her life, and that she's growing up so fast. But he can't give up messaging a bunch of whores in order to preserve that relationship?

I know addicts do all sorts of things that completely jeopardize their relationship with their children. I myself am an alcoholic, I admit it. If ANYTHING came between me and my child, and I was told I had to give up alcohol or I'd lose my daily relationship with her, I'd go so dry, so damned fast, my skin would shrivel up.

Claytonmomof2
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Re: I saw a lawyer

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 11:00 am

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Addiction is an awful disease and there's a reason it's called a family disease. The innocent by-standers are impacted beyond belief. It's sad. I feel sad for my children. I feel sad for your daughter.

I've been going to a meeting that incorporates those that are currently in treatment as well as their families. I go solo because it feeds my soul with direction, hope, guidance and love. I hope my AH will soon be there, but that's not up to me. But one guy there was talking with me and he went 10 months with no contact with his son while he was in active use. Now he's gone through the program and is in recovery. As difficult as that 10 months was, and as he continued to pursue addiction despite not seeing his child...now that he's in recovery he said he would never do anything to jeopardize not seeing his son again. He holds onto that.

It's perplexing what addicts will toss to the side to pursue addiction. The hard part about setting a boundary is enforcing it. It's not easy but in the end it'll be worth it. Keep coming back.

As for being an alcoholic.... there are many programs to support you with that if you choose.
Glad you're here!

Rachlovesdogs
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Re: I saw a lawyer

Post by Rachlovesdogs » Tue Feb 06, 2018 11:15 am

Tyfs

run5203
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Re: I saw a lawyer

Post by run5203 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 12:11 pm

I admit I also don't know why he's so upset over me presenting him with divorce as an option. Obviously I don't satisfy him socially, sexually, or emotionally, or he wouldn't be running off to party with this woman (or women). I cut him off completely from my finances, so it's not the money he's after. And he's been out of the house for six months now. I'm not threatening to stick it to him with the divorce. I told him if we divorce I just want a simple, drama-free agreement where I have primary custody of our daughter* and he can visit with her as he likes.

You'd think divorce would be a sane and perhaps even desirable thing for him.

*He knows perfectly well me having primary custody is the only way. If she stays with me, her life and routine will be kept intact.

lovingwife64
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Re: I saw a lawyer

Post by lovingwife64 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:01 pm

All I can do is share my experience with my Ex AH.

When I kept telling him I would not live the way we were living and that I would leave and that I would seek divorce he didn't believe me. I gave him so many chances to clean up. To just choose me just once over the drugs or other women. When I finally followed through with the divorce, he was pissed and it was all my fault. I was the one that tore our marriage apart. And still, not once did he ask me to withdraw the divorce. But it was all me. I have text after text, and email after email where he blames me for not sticking with him. He blames me for abandoning him. Yet every chance I gave him to do anything, even a small thing to show me he wanted the marriage he didn't do.

There is nothing you can do to make an addict see things clearly and reasonably. I had to accept that he wasn't thinking rationally. I had to accept that the only way our marriage would survive is if I choose live with an active addict. You could hand him the world on a silver platter and yet you would still be the bad person for divorcing him. At least, that's the way it was in my situation.

Hugs and hang in there,

Jo

run5203
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Re: I saw a lawyer

Post by run5203 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 10:42 am

AH unblocked me very shortly after blocking me. I sent a test message and he immediately replied.

I had a terrible day yesterday. I am dealing with my little daughter's emotional rollercoaster as well as my own, and we had a clash before school due to her not doing her homework, which ended up with both of us in hysterical sobs.

After I got her off to school finally, I vented a poisonous stream of texts to AH, telling him I hope his girl "friend" (he refuses to admit they are involved) dies a horrible death, etc. I mean, yeah, basically I acted like I was 12. But clearly I couldn't "adult" yesterday. I called in sick to work and drowned myself in about a silo of alcohol afterward. Yay, I'm just as screwed up as him.

He came over briefly to tell me he is probably getting a new job, and that he wants to work things out with me. I told him I don't know how to do that. I also asked him if he'd just go to the lawyer with me and sign a mediation agreement so I don't have to dig through all our tax returns, paystubs, etc. for a contested filing. He said "If that's what you want."

I really don't know how to make things work out. I might be having dinner with him tonight.

Just getting it out. No need to respond if you don't want to. I just had to tell someone about my day. THANK YOU for reading and following.

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DianeB
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Re: I saw a lawyer

Post by DianeB » Thu Feb 08, 2018 11:17 am

I am reeling in disbelief that some whore is so important to him that he's willing to give up 15 years of marriage and daily life with his only child (whom he professes to love).
It isn't a matter of love. It is a disease.

Addiction is defined as a chronic, relapsing brain disease that is characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use, despite harmful consequences. It is considered a brain disease because drugs change the brain; they change its structure and how it works.

Love isn't involved.

Perhaps AA/NA might help you and he both.

run5203
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Re: I saw a lawyer

Post by run5203 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:38 pm

"Perhaps AA/NA might help you and he both."

Yes, but to make what I hope is a rather black-humored joke, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I can go to AA certainly. Getting him to go to NA? Another story. I am sure I am not telling anyone anything they don't know, haha.

He did go to a court-ordered drug counseling sort of thing after getting arrested for possession; they also had him go to the 12 step of his choice . I am not sure if it helped him. I do know he didn't want to go. He took some sort of whatever that stuff is that causes you to have a clean drug test whenever he went to a meeting, and he forged his paperwork for AA attendance. I went to one AA meeting with him and told him I'd go again if he wanted. He said he liked the idea of going together, but then dropped it completely .

Sqbear42
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Re: I saw a lawyer

Post by Sqbear42 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:25 pm

My addict was expecting/used to me "talking" about what I would or would not do if he didn't stop using. So of course he got mad at me when I finally starting ACTING upon what I had been saying for so long.

I heard a saying in these forums "I know I'm doing something right for me when the addict gets mad"

My sponsor would say to me "keep moving forward with ACTION NOT WORDS."

Nicole

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Wisteria
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Re: I saw a lawyer

Post by Wisteria » Sat Feb 10, 2018 5:43 pm

I like to say
Can't hear your words over your actions. They speak louder.
I just filed the separation agreement on Friday.

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